Shades of Sunshine

As the year ends I have been reflecting upon the past year and what I have done and what I have been through.  I have decided that I must accept my past, accept my mistakes and look forward to the future.  I chose to attempt suicide in order to escape the pain that I was feeling, the pain of not being able to accept my short comings, and not being able to accept my bipolar condition and what it caused me to do and not do.  My poor husband put up with so much, it's no wonder he didn't leave me.  I truly have a gem of a husband.  He is so truly amazing it is hard to believe that he is mine forever.  He has put up with so much, yet has stuck by my side and continues to do so.  I wouldn't be any where near where I am in my recovery if it wasn't for him.  He has made sure I have all the tools necessary to heal, to move on and to take care of myself.  I love him to pieces and am forever grateful. Also as we look to the new year, I want to get b...

Today we ripped off   a blogger named  Sally Swift   from the blog Stories From A Life.  She does not state where she found the meme .  But, it was probably stolen there as well. So, of course, that will be as far as we go. Tracing back our theft's thieves might take some time.  Take the time to comment on other player's posts. It's a great way to make new friends!  Link back to us at  Sunday Stealing!    Sunday Stealing: The Triple Threat Meme Three names you go by, other than your given name :  Heath, Sweetheart, Princess Three screen names you've had : cprcheetah, crazycatlady, cprcheetahtoo Three things you like about yourself :  My smile, my curves, my empathy Three things you don't like about yourself : My weight, my bipolar depression, my skin   Three parts of your heritage : Swedish, English (not sure really)   Three things you are wearing right now :  Sweatshirt, sweatpants and ...

Yesterday I was 'off', not sure why but was super anxious and my hubby said it was like I was stoned in evening I just wasn't myself.  I don't know what my deal was I was just not myself, I felt like crying but couldn't.  I have noticed that I am not as emotional as I was when I wasn't on pills, which is a good thing I guess....just seems like I have a hard time crying even when it's 'worth' crying over. Things in the house are moving along, we have the front room pretty much set up, we need to do some cleaning of the fireplace but we are making progress.  It feels good to have a 'home' that we can call our own, and weird in a way.  We painted the front/sitting/living room a brownish/beige it looks awesome.  Slowly but surely we are getting things in order.  It feels like we will never get our boxes all unpacked, but we will....one day I am sure of it. I got a nice surprise today my paycheck was a lot more than I had anticipated which i...

It’s time for Q . Not James Bond’s famous gadget maker, but the letter of the alphabet: it’s inspiring this week’s set of random questions. 1. Q is for QUACK: What’s the worst medical advice you ever received?   I would wake up with my arm numb, my DR told me to wear a wrist brace at night and it wouldn't happen...lo and behold it still happened. 2. Q is for QUEEN: What do you think you’d most enjoy about living the life of royalty?   Being able to have enough money to do the things I would like to do. 3. Q is for QUICK: What household chores are you lease likely to procrastinate about doing?   Laundry 4. Q is for QUIET: Where do you go when you feel like you need quiet time alone with no distractions?   Usually my bedroom 5. Q is for QUIT: What would you most like to quit doing in 2013?  Being addicted to Diet Coke 6. Q is for QUIZ: What subject in school did you most dread a pop quiz in?   Science

More Saturday 9.......easy and fun way to get to know me better. Saturday 9: Same Old Lang Syne 1) This week's song is the tale of an accidental holiday encounter between former lovers. ( Hear it here .) They sit in her car and spend hours catching up, then she gives him a chaste kiss and they never see one another again. Is there a past love who still has a special spot in your heart, despite the years or the miles since your relationship?  The only past love who has a special place in my heart is my husband whom I am still currently married to.  He is the most amazing man in the world.  He treats me like a Princess even when I am not behaving princess worthy.  He is amazing. 2) This week's song includes a play on the traditional Scottish song, "Auld Lang Syne." Have you ever visited Scotland? I have never visited Scotland. 3) Mother Winters has long told Sam that if she has a glass of water for every glass of champagne she drinks on New Year...

What a year this has been, with me going postal on my bipolar and not taking my meds, and then attempting suicide in August, it has been one adventure after another.  In a strange way I am grateful for my suicide attempt as it has gotten me on the path to recovery with my bipolar.  Instead of avoiding taking my pills as much as I can, I now have missed very few doses in the last 4 months which is really good.  I have regular visits with my counselor and psychiatrist to learn new methods and new coping skills on how to deal with being the bipolar girl I am. Without my experience in August that would have never happened.  It was the scary wake up call that I needed.  I am grateful for my family and especially for my husband who has been by my side through it all, he has been there through the dark and hard times, and is there through the happy and bright times.  He truly is a gem.  I love him so much and wouldn't be where I am today without him.

Here I said I would be better about writing every day and I've missed 4 days. I will just catch up.  Christmas Eve we had my parents and my sister over for dinner, we had quite the feast, we had a smoked turkey that was way delicious, potato salad, shrimp/pasta salad, cheesy potatoes, cucumbers in vinegar (one of my favorite things), spinach dip, 4 different kinds of cheese balls and clam chowder.  It was really good and a lot of food.  Then we watched Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, which is my husband and I's tradition.  It was great.  Christmas we went to my parent house for Finn & Hatti, which is basically fish and sausage.  It is always the best :-)  Then we opened presents.  Then we came home and spent some time together, then my mom, dad and sister Jen went and saw Les Miserables.  It was epic, it was so good!  Jen and I want to go see it again next week :-P  I am doing good mood wise, sometimes I feel like I am emotionle...

Today was a hard day for me, about 10am my hubby called me and was in a panic, DeeJay apparently fell out of his arms didn't land on her feet and injured herself, she was screaming and so he wanted my dad (who is a Veterinarian) to come down and take a look at her. Well DeeJay isn't the best of patients so she had to go home with grandpa so he could sedate her to see if it was broken.  He didn't find any fractures but a bad sprain.  She wasn't walking on it for quite a while, so that had me worried.  But I was stuck at work all this time while my sweet baby was injured and my poor hubby was frantic about it, he feels so bad, like it is his fault, when it really isn't DeeJay just happened to be squirming and she fell, accidents happen.  I am pleased to say that she is now walking on her leg, and is able to get on and off our bed in our bedroom.  I also had him check her urine as she's been drinking a lot lately, she has a bladder infection, joyous.....remember ...

Can you spot the kitty?  For whatever reason I am feeling very 'clingy' today.  I am sitting here waiting for my honey to come home from work, and I looked over under the tree and saw my beautiful little Cedes just snoozing away. She has been very snuggly today .  I didn't have to go into work today except to feed the dogs, which doesn't take that long, so I went and got my christmas shopping done for my sweetheart.  I never know what to get him, well he always tells me he wants a helicopter about 1 week before christmas......if you want it for christmas you better let me know a little further ahead than that.  He loves the remote controlled helicopters. I went and saw my psychiatrist, I am concerned about my Zyprexa as it is making me crave carbohydrates like crazy, it's like if I don't get them I'll starve.  Also am having a massive acne outbreak which could be stress, but usually my outbreaks aren't this bad and last this long, even using medicate...

With the shooting in CT my mind has been on my beliefs a lot lately.  For those who don't know, I am LDS aka Mormon ( www.mormon.org ).  We have a belief in the afterlife, that there is life after death, that our savior Jesus Christ was born, and died and resurrected so that we can have life eternal.  We believe that if for some reason you lose a child in this life, that you will be given the opportunity to raise that child in the hereafter.  That is what is comforting me amidst this devastating event.  Knowing that those who lost precious children will be given the chance to raise them up in the hereafter.  I can't even imagine what the parents have/are feeling during this event.  I'm not a parent (other than to furkids) but I can't even imagine what they are experiencing, the tragedy.  I have read several accounts of forgiveness and sympathy for the shooter and his family, how incredibly brave.  Recently I have been becoming more active in ...

As I am on the road to recovery, this is something that I have to remember, it is a daily process, it isn't something that is going to happen overnight.      Every day I am using coping tools, and learning to let go of things that when I was "Bipolar Bitchy Heather" I would have not let them go.  I am using Cognitive Behavior Therapy to try and 're-train' my thought processes to more positive helpful ones instead of the negativity I am prone too. My animals make for great therapy.  Right now DeeJay my old lady kitty sitting in my lap.    They seem to know when I need extra loves, or just need to hear them purr, or get crazy Zoey (my chihuahua) kisses. On a positive note,  I have been doing a lot better anxiety wise since we have 'finalized' our move, and dealt with our previous landlord.  I haven't been near as anxious as I was, which is a good thing.

Sometimes I really worry about the thoughts that cross my mind, they can be really twisted.  Glad that I choose not to act on them.  The past few days have been really busy at work which tires me out.  I groomed 9 dogs yesterday and 7 dogs today.  Then tomorrow I only have 3 dogs, at least now I'm not wasting so much gas when I just have a couple of dogs as my work is only 7 minutes away instead of 40 minutes away. Today when I got home my dad was here putting in a 'new' used dishwasher for us.  I love my dad he is such an amazing man.  I see so many qualities that my dad has in my husband.  I'm glad I have such handy men in my life who can do things like install dishwashers, Rob fixed the christmas tree yesterday, we have this cute little kitty who thought the lights were yummy to munch on last year so she knocked out a couple of reams of lights, good thing she's so darn cute, we always say her cuteness makes up for her naughtiness.  She gets...

Today I met with my counselor, she did something I thought was very interesting.  She got some playing cards out and had me identify several positive attributes that I have so I could learn how to 'own' them.  Just as this is a winning hand in poker, I can help my confidence levels by 'owning' my traits or characteristics.  I had a hard time defining attributes that I have as I'm just not a confident person.  Here's what we came up with that are my strongest attributes when I am stressed, what she did was write each attribute on the playing card so I can remember my own winning hand Ace:  Dependable (I do what I say I am going to do) King: Resourceful (if I don't know the answer I research it until I do) Queen:  Stick to it (generally I see things through the end) Jack: Compassion (I have strong compassion for both people and animals) 10: Knowledgeable (I know a lot about animals and other subjects) Then I had to go through and 'own' each on ...

Sorry I have been MIA lately.  Just a lot going on with the move, previous landlord etc.  Things have been stressful to say the least but we came up with an arrangement that made him happy.  He is claiming by law we had to give him 30 days notice, well that wasn't in the contract and we gave him at least 2 weeks notice.  So just the whole drama of that has had me on edge.  I am so exhausted emotionally, and physically, took a 3 hour nap today and could probably sleep longer. We did go to church today, which feels pretty good,   As we haven't been super active in our church for the past 4 years, feels great to get a 'fresh start'.  Tomorrow I have a day off....my last day off was spent packing and cleaning at our previous house, excited to have a day for me, and a day to work on unpacking, can't wait to find everything again. One thing that I have been doing really good at is staying on top of the dishes, they are washed every night, if not then f...

Me thinks my seroquel helps more than just sleep......have been out of it, (waiting for mail order pharmacy) for about a week and have been feeling down in the dumps and just blah the past few days.  Today I broke down because I left all our lids to all crockpots, pots, pans etc at our old house and the landlord wont let us back in to get them.....GRRRRRR.  Seriously started in on the negative self talk "How could you be so stupid, I can't believe you did such a dumb thing, etc etc etc".  Man I really need to focus on my Cognitive Behavior Therapy exercises, and work on not being so negative towards my self.  It was a simple honest to God mistake, we stored them in the drawer under the stove.  My hubby was very nice about it, taking it in stride and not getting upset.  He was like so we'll just buy new lids and/or new crockpots etc.   So yeah, feeling super emotional, maybe just everything from the past week is catching up to me, but I really think t...

I know I have used this picture before but it is very fitting for how this weekend goes.  We got the movers on saturday and it took them 9 hours to move us....which IMO is ridiculous.  My dad and I made 2 trips with his Dodge truck full to the brim in 5 hours.....and that includes the travel time twice from our old house (40 minutes).  Then we found out that they didn't grab all our stuff, if it didn't have a lid or wasn't closed they left it there.  They didn't even grab our tents......GRRRRRR  We paid an arm and a leg for the movers so that made us a little upset.  Oh well, life goes on right? Then in our new house my hubby has been awesomely fixing things up and we have a stove that works (before it would only be on hot or off), a fridge that works (hasn't worked for 2 years) and all that was wrong with it was the coils in the back of the freezer were completely iced up.  Most of the drains are draining better, however our basement has flooded 3...