Shades of Sunshine

Today is my 35th Birthday.  Do I feel older?  Do I feel different?  Not in the least, it was just another day in my book.  Spent literally the day crying and having a pity party for myself.  Why you might ask? Because I am bipolar and that's what I do when I am feeling depressed, really I have no idea, only thing I can think of is the fertility bug....another year older, no kids to show for it, it makes me feel like a failure.  Like I don't deserve to have kids because I am an awful person.....trust me we (my therapist) and I are working on my self esteem and my confidence.  It just sucks!  I did have over 50 people post on my facebook page (if ever you don't feel loved visit your facebook page on your birthday).  That made my day.  For once I would love to have a birthday where something didn't go wrong, and it was a special day all the way around.  Gotta love my hubby he called me in the afternoon and oh BTW, Happy Birthday :-P...

"Life is always balanced. For every breakdown, there’ll always be a breakthrough. You just have to keep the faith." Today has been a rough day.  I had 8 grooms, 3 belong to some little old ladies, who every time I groom them they find something wrong with them.....when in fact there really isn't anything wrong they are just picky.  They want a 'straight' line defined yet blended...um okay....you can have one or the other....Then a client got upset because we wouldn't squeeze their dog in today.....I had 8 that is about my limit for quality grooms.  Then my boss had to leave early so he asked me to feed the bird....well that didn't go so well, she took a chunk out of my thumb (you know that REALLY sensitive area between thumb and first finger).  It was pretty deep, luckily my dad came down to check it to see if I needed stitches, he glued it.  But it's a pretty nasty bite, it hasn't stopped bleeding....not gushing or anything.  Then I was suppos...

Believe in yourself, in your vision for your future and in your ability to take a small step each day toward achieving your vision. - Jonathan Lockwood Huie I have an unhealthy relationship with food.  I tend to eat bigger portions than I should.  8 years ago I lost over 60# doing the lean for life diet, and I want to do that again.  I want my husband to join me on this journey, we both need to for our health.  So eating healthier it is for me :).  I am an emotional eater.  I get upset I stuff my face with food, I am nervous/anxious I pick in whatever I can find.  I weighed in at 222.0# today, yes it is TOM so I have water weight, but I am so disgusted with myself today, that I gave up, I lost almost 20# while Rob was out of town in March/April.....and when he got back, I gave up essentially.  I want to have children almost more than anything in the world, I don't see that happening in my current weight.  We have been trying for 7 &...

I am reading a book "Too Soon Old Too Late Smart" by Gordon Livingston MD in one chapter he is talking about how he has people wanting to get medications.  Here is what he tells them:   The good news is that we have effective treatments for the symptoms of depression; the bad news is that medication will not make you happy.  Happiness is not simply the absence of despair.  It is an affirmative state in which our lives have both meaning and pleasure.   He goes on to say that Medication is seldom enough.  He says we are always talking about what we want, what we need, what we intend.  He goes on to say that These are dreams and wishes and are of little value in changing our mood.  Here is the profound part, we are not what we think or what we say, or how we feel.   We are what we do .  The 3 components of happiness are something to do, something to love, and something to look forward to.  Think about it if we have useful work, sustain...

You are an unfinished work in progress. One of the good things about life’s challenges: You get to find out that you’re capable of being far more than you ever thought possible. Karen Salmansahn As you can tell, I love quotes, motivational things etc.  I love this, as I have been through a lot of challenges in my life.  As I heard once that your challenges whittle you into the person you are, how you handle them is also a big part of it.  My husband was in a car accident today in his work parking lot.  He has been struggling with his depression and he handled it really well, I am proud of him.   He didn't get upset, or maime the guy (LOL j/k), he handled it very smoothly.  Way to go babe.          The grooming fairy (my sister) visited me again....this time she brought me super cute bows for the dogs hair.  I put some in the last dog I groomed today and her owner absolutely loved her.  She gave me a good tip t...

Just have to vent a little.....took Shellie my golden retriever up with me to get the mail. Neighbors out front having a pow wow with a bunch of toddlers/little kids who the instant I go outside swarm Shellie....well of course she knocked one down so mom gets mad at me, and I tell her "You need to teach your kids not to run up to strange dogs, she could be aggressive". Then on my way back another swarm (same crowd) come up to her and I tell them, "she doesn't need petted she's too excited right now". Man people teach your kids some dog safety....good thing her only issues is being too exciteable and knocking them down. What if she could have bit them in the face? Here are some quotes/poems that I found that I really love. "You know you have the potential to become what you wanted to become, that happens only when you begin to focus your mind, heart and soul to be at your best." This is such an awesome quote.  It applies so much.  It hit h...

I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUTURE MAY HOLD, BUT I KNOW WHO HOLDS THE FUTURE .   ~ Rev. Ralph Abernathy This quote came in my e-mail from FLYLady today.  I love it.  all it takes is that first step.  Whether it be the first step of getting help/counseling, the first step to a cleaner house etc. "To take the first step in faith, you don't have to see the whole staircase: just take the first step." Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.      Today I met with my counselor for the first time.  I was a little nervous, but I am so happy my insurance company found her for me.  She is going to be awesome.  She does the CBT (Cognitive Behavrior Therapy) You can learn more about it here:  http://www.nacbt.org/whatiscbt.htm   Which is something that I have been researching and have wanted to do.....like several months ago, but my procrastinating butt......didn't do anything about it.  She gave me some handouts, and I even hav...