Shades of Sunshine

So I am doing really well at the moment.  I feel great, my self worth and self esteem is going up, I feel confident and am really happy at the moment.  I have been exercising every day since Friday.  I have been walking 2-3 miles per day.  It is really liberating and I feel great.  It helps my anxiety and helps me feel better about myself.  I am even walking in my leggings and going on busy roads, normally I choose roads that are less traveled so no one will stare at me and judge me....yeah I'm messed up to say the least.  I usually am very self conscious, I HATE my legs and still feel 'fat', even though I have lost 76# and 63".  I met with my psychiatrist last Friday.  Not sure how I like how the visit went.  I told her about my increased anxiety and she doesn't want to put me on anything for the anxiety just gave me some Klonopin for when the anxiety happens.  She wants me to work with my therapist on the Cognitive Behavior Ther...

As the year ends I have been reflecting upon the past year and what I have done and what I have been through.  I have decided that I must accept my past, accept my mistakes and look forward to the future.  I chose to attempt suicide in order to escape the pain that I was feeling, the pain of not being able to accept my short comings, and not being able to accept my bipolar condition and what it caused me to do and not do.  My poor husband put up with so much, it's no wonder he didn't leave me.  I truly have a gem of a husband.  He is so truly amazing it is hard to believe that he is mine forever.  He has put up with so much, yet has stuck by my side and continues to do so.  I wouldn't be any where near where I am in my recovery if it wasn't for him.  He has made sure I have all the tools necessary to heal, to move on and to take care of myself.  I love him to pieces and am forever grateful. Also as we look to the new year, I want to get b...

Today I met with my counselor, she did something I thought was very interesting.  She got some playing cards out and had me identify several positive attributes that I have so I could learn how to 'own' them.  Just as this is a winning hand in poker, I can help my confidence levels by 'owning' my traits or characteristics.  I had a hard time defining attributes that I have as I'm just not a confident person.  Here's what we came up with that are my strongest attributes when I am stressed, what she did was write each attribute on the playing card so I can remember my own winning hand Ace:  Dependable (I do what I say I am going to do) King: Resourceful (if I don't know the answer I research it until I do) Queen:  Stick to it (generally I see things through the end) Jack: Compassion (I have strong compassion for both people and animals) 10: Knowledgeable (I know a lot about animals and other subjects) Then I had to go through and 'own' each on ...

Today I met with my counselor.  We talked about the impending move and how I can use Cognitive Behavior Therapy to make it less stressful.  Talked about how anxiety tapping has helped me and talked about how I tend to internalize things instead of talking about them.  I do tend to do that, I make everything 'my fault' or negative self talking that I love to do so much.  Such as with this move, I keep telling myself we'll never get things done (2 weeks) as the house is a mess because I haven't cleaned it yet, instead of focusing on the awesomeness that we have already gotten accomplished.  We have been working in the basement and pretty much have one side of it done packed and garbage separated.....yes the other side is a lot bigger with all the stacks of everything but we have made loads of progress.  Today I emptied out a couple of tubs, packed up the closet and am working on the kitchen.  Things are going well and there is no need for me to feel an...

I have always been a doubter of myself, doubter of my skills, doubter that I can keep a clean house etc etc etc, this list could go on and on.....but I have/am learning how to love myself for who I am and how to not doubt myself or my abilities.  Slowly but surely I am seeing that I can work on getting my house clean, and that I am a good groomer (comments from clients really helps too).  My counselor and I are working on techniques to boost my confidence levels as well. Rob and I had a quickie date night tonight.....we went to 5 Guys Burgers & Fries....so yummy, then we went to Maverick gas station and had some soft serve and icecream.  That was so nice and an unexpected surprise.  We are slowly climbing out of the money pit we fell into.  Which feels awesome.  Came home and are just snuggling and watching some old Dr Who (Well the newer Dr's) episodes.  It's one of my favorite shows.  Rob mentioned that he's had some movie tickets in his...

I am always trying to prove myself, but this quote struck a note in me....instead of trying to prove myself why not work on IMPROVING myself?  I am using the FLY Lady's methods of getting my house over CHAOS (Can't have anyone over syndrome), lots of work to be done, but am taking things slow and in baby steps.  So far so good and it's been over a week.  Just implementing one new 'routine' each day as part of the baby steps and it's helping. Today was a very stressful, high anxiety day for me at work, had 4 dogs who were really naughty, naughty dogs just drain me.  By naughty I mean they were wanting to lay down, they were pulling their legs away, trying to bite etc. It's exhausting when I have dogs who are so naughty.  I had to take an anxiety pill.  I don't know why but my anxiety lately is way up.  Gotta start remembering my 'tapping' and breathing exercises for my anxiety.  I have the tools I just have to use them.

One of the hardest things for me is to accept and love myself for who I am.  I look in the mirror and see a fat blob.  Rob is really trying to get me to see past that, and has me telling myself I am beautiful almost every day.  I think it's helping, because even though I didn't put the whole repertoire of makeup on this morning I feel pretty.  Still fat but I feel pretty.  I am really trying I hate feeling like I do about myself.  I know I am a good person (my counselor wants me to eliminate the words Good/Bad from my vocabulary.  It's harder than I thought it would be. Today is my day off and I am actually dressed and working on the house.  Taking little breaks here and there.  I'm doing what is called 'crisis' cleaning according to Fly Lady.  The gist of it is you spend 15 minutes in 3 different rooms, then take a 15 minute break, and repeat the process.  I am amazed at how much I can accomplish in 15 minutes in each room....

So one of the helpful things my husband has been having me do is say "I'm Beautiful" often.  The first time he had me say it he literally had me scream it.  I felt like Josie in Never Been Kissed when she screams "I'm not Josie Grossie any more".  It was empowering and felt great to say.  Maybe if I keep saying it every day I will start to believe. So Rob and I have been talking about moving to somewhere cheaper for a few months now.  My sister Lara just got a job in Texas so she will be moving there and her house will be vacant, she has offered to let us live there.  It will be about $300 a month cheaper than what we are paying now.  The disadvantages is that a lot of Rob's aunts/uncles live in Bountiful, it's more of a commute for Rob, the house needs a lot of work before we would be able to move in.  It does have a brand new roof on the house and garage, and a new awning on the deck.  So we will be praying for guidance as to where we s...

Alot of my anxiety/issues come from not having a very good Self Esteem, I look in the mirror and all I see is the fat and ugly me.  I wish it were different but it isn't.  I am glad to say I have lost 8# this past week, I have really been watching what I eat and trying not to gorge on too many bad foods.  It's been hard but definitely worth it.  Going to keep it up, as I know part of my self esteem is tied to my being so overweight, I am probably 70# over weight.  I hide my weight very well as I don't look like most people who are my weight. This weekend has been tough I have felt very depressed, and got in a disagreement with  my husband who is feeling a little left out lately.  I am very selfish, there I said it, it's not on purpose but I think part of it is my depression, and Bipolarism, that and the fact that I guess I really am all about me, and selfish.  I really do want to work on my relationship with my husband, he means the world to m...

<------ So very true and applicable to my situation. I could have easily took the attitude of one of my hospital mates, she had given up the will to live, she didn't want to change, didn't want the help, just wanted to stay in her pity party for everyone to give her pity and feel bad for her.  I chose differently, I wanted/want to live, I want my life to be different, I want to feel good, I want to learn how to love myself (I am slowly working on that) for who I am.  I have so many people rooting for me, how can I not press on? I finally found a diet that works for me, I am using Noom (android program), and trying to eat Breakfasts and Lunches that are only 200 calories then a 'good' dinner.  I am down 2.2# since Tuesday, so that's a good thing, especially with all the buttered movie theater popcorn I ate yesterday (one of my big time weaknesses)....but I was quite proud of us, all 3 (sisters) of us ordered off the 'lighter fare' menu, we are all on d...

In my search for cool quotes etc I came across this, and I totally love it.  I have a really hard time believing in myself, really hard accepting myself for who I am.  In partial hospitalization they told us to say positive affirmations in the mirror.  I really should follow their advice and start saying positive things to myself in the mirror.  Here are some things that I do Believe about myself: I am compassionate I am great with animals I am good at scrap booking I enjoy spending time with my husband I am a good groomer I enjoy making jewelry Things that I need to work on (things that people tell me) I am a Beautiful Child of God I am sexy (or so my husband tells me) I am pretty I have amazing curves I am smart So it looks like I have some 'affirmations' that I need to work on.  I will take it one day at a time and start telling myself that I am a beautiful powerful woman.  I've got to stop the negative self talk.

It has been 8 weeks since I overdosed.  8 Weeks since that dreadful day that gave me a huge wake up call, got me back on medications and seeing counselors (which is something I hadn't done before).  How am I feeling you might ask?  I am having way more good days than bad days, don't get me wrong I still have my down moments, but they are not as severe and not as frequent as they were.  I am seeing a counselor who is really helping me a lot with all my issues.  Slowly but surely, I see her every 2 weeks and see my psychiatrist every month for medicine visits. Here are a few 'update' questions so you know how I am doing How do I feel about myself?  I still have low self esteem, but I don't 'hate' myself as much as I did. Depression?  I have my ups and downs, but am pleased to say I have more good days than bad days. Suicidal Thoughts?  I have not had any since I started this whole mess Mania?   Have felt a little manic, but am pleased to...

<--------- VERY TRUE!   I have developed the habit to take my pills faithfully twice a day without fail.  It's ingrained in my brain, eat breakfast = pills, eat dinner = pills, go to bed = pills.  It's like 2nd nature to me.  I need to make it a habit to exercise......then maybe I can be happier with my body.  I am having surgery the day after tomorrow so won't be able to do any walking etc for 2 weeks approximately.....so maybe I will just have to do upper body workouts. Communication is NOT one of my strong points, I guess I really need to work on it, had I communicated with Rob about my surgery instead of just scheduling it, I would be having it next week when he gets paid so we could have a little more money to pay the co-pays etc.  Lesson learned, talk things over with Rob before I just jump on in. Sorry I didn't post this last night, I seriously went to bed at 7:30ish, I was so beat from my day of grooming.  I had 8 dogs, 5 of which wer...

It's not secret that I have a very poor self esteem.  I have little to no confidence in my abilities, and I have self image issues.  It is something that my counselor and I are/will be working on.  I am really trying to have more confidence.  I am really feeling confident about my grooming skills as I haven't had any legitimate complaints and I've now bee grooming for almost 3 months full time. I have PTSD because of several instances that have happened in my life (go read my 'about me page' and my Autobiography to find out more).  I just recently discovered I had PTSD, as I have a physical reaction when I see someone who caused me a lot of grief growing up for very long.  I am working on it, I do love this person, but the past did happen and it's something I really need to get through with the help of my counselor. Sometimes I think I'm so messed up I need a service dog to help keep me 'sane' so to speak.  I often wonder if it would help me wi...