Shades of Sunshine

Today was a busy day at work I groomed 8 dogs. I groomed one that was 17 years old.....and cranky as all get out.  And I got a 'perfect' job from ms picky pants, she finally brought in a picture showing me how she wanted her dogs groomed, she is very particular about their heads, I think I've done her dogs now 5 times and she hasn't been happy with them until today.....the previous groomer said she was never happy and she's been grooming her dogs for 30 years so that made me feel better.   It is going to be a busy week at work, which is awesome seeing as how we need the money big time and I am paid on commission, so the more I groom the better my paycheck. I am pulling out of the depression I've been in the past few days.  Hubby and I seem to be doing better with our relationship....at least today I feel that way, I'm really trying to make an effort to help him feel loved, touched and cared for.  We have decided we are moving, we have a couple possibilit...

Alot of my anxiety/issues come from not having a very good Self Esteem, I look in the mirror and all I see is the fat and ugly me.  I wish it were different but it isn't.  I am glad to say I have lost 8# this past week, I have really been watching what I eat and trying not to gorge on too many bad foods.  It's been hard but definitely worth it.  Going to keep it up, as I know part of my self esteem is tied to my being so overweight, I am probably 70# over weight.  I hide my weight very well as I don't look like most people who are my weight. This weekend has been tough I have felt very depressed, and got in a disagreement with  my husband who is feeling a little left out lately.  I am very selfish, there I said it, it's not on purpose but I think part of it is my depression, and Bipolarism, that and the fact that I guess I really am all about me, and selfish.  I really do want to work on my relationship with my husband, he means the world to m...

Today was a slow day at work, had a cancellation and then the other 2 didn't show up....they were scheduled at 9:30, I tried calling them a couple of times they finally called at 1:30 and wanted me to groom their 2 dogs....needless to say they were rescheduled for next week.  Some people can be inconsiderate.  Would you show up 4 hours late to a Dr's appointment and expect to be seen?  Highly Doubtful. I am making progress, in my mental health as well as my physical.  I have lost 5# this week, I basically have 200 calories for breakfast and 200 calories for lunch with 100 calories snacks 3x a day and a healthy dinner.  It hasn't been as hard as I anticipated which is good.  I think I finally have the mindset that I need to lose the weight, the will power.  Yesterday was a hard day as I always turn to food for grieving, stress, anxiety, pretty much anything that doesn't go my way.

I am sorry but this is a sad post today......my 4 year old Golden Retriever Shellie passed away last night, we think she had a stroke.  She was acting weird last night she was very confused and disoriented and foaming at the mouth.  She didn't eat her dinner right off hand, which is NOT like her, she usually has it gone in a second. So I was going to take her down to see Grandpa (AKA VET) today, but when I came downstairs she was dead in her crate.  I had sort of a love/hate relationship with her, she was a super hyper, energetic girl and could be obnoxious at times, she was sweetheart though she thrived on attention and loved getting loves and hugs.  I will miss you Shell Bells, Beaners, Beanie Baby,  Shellie Bellie, Bells.....those were some of my nicknames for my sweet girl. Today has been a hard day, as could be expected. Work was slow, and I just wasn't in the mood to be there at all, just wanted to wallow in self pity I guess.  I cried a lot tod...

<------ So very true and applicable to my situation. I could have easily took the attitude of one of my hospital mates, she had given up the will to live, she didn't want to change, didn't want the help, just wanted to stay in her pity party for everyone to give her pity and feel bad for her.  I chose differently, I wanted/want to live, I want my life to be different, I want to feel good, I want to learn how to love myself (I am slowly working on that) for who I am.  I have so many people rooting for me, how can I not press on? I finally found a diet that works for me, I am using Noom (android program), and trying to eat Breakfasts and Lunches that are only 200 calories then a 'good' dinner.  I am down 2.2# since Tuesday, so that's a good thing, especially with all the buttered movie theater popcorn I ate yesterday (one of my big time weaknesses)....but I was quite proud of us, all 3 (sisters) of us ordered off the 'lighter fare' menu, we are all on d...

“You are the only person who thinks in your mind! You are the power and authority in your world.” ― Louise L. Hay I have the power to choose how my day is going to go, I can let something ruin it or learn from it.  This morning first thing my golden retriever spazzy that she is knocked off the remnants of a rotisserie chicken off the kitchen table, needless to say it had been there for a few too many days and the juice was rotten....ewww gross!  It spilled all over the floor and all down my pants.  I could have let this ruin my day but instead I chose to clean it up and change my pants so I didn't smell like rotten chicken.  Lesson I learned from it?  Throw garbage away instead of leaving it on the kitchen table.   Today was a good day, got all my grooms done, and then went and saw Alex Cross with my 2 sisters, then Jen took us all out to eat at Chili's.  Overall a great day.  I haven't felt depressed in over a week, it feels great ...

I tend to think that I have to give it all and everything has to be perfect.  I am starting to realize that it doesn't have to be perfect, I just have to be better.  Such as I was disappointed with how little I got done yesterday on the house.....Rob was completely fine with it and said that he was proud of me for at least getting something done, he said he doesn't expect me to spend 8 hours on the house on my days off.  That made me realize that little by little I am making progress, I am doing better.  It is just a matter of making myself believe I am doing better.  I did better today at work.  I am a dog groomer and I had a dog today who is a bit of a pill, she bites, so her owners give her tranquilizers prior to grooming.  Well they just took the edge off she still bit me, and was flipping out, normally when this happens I get upset and the adrenaline gets flowing and I get super anxious, start shaking etc.....well today I didn't get that way, ...

Isn't that the truth?  I have a messy, dirty house....there I said it.  So oftentimes instead of cleaning I'd rather be doing anything else, like snuggling on the couch with Rob, messing on the computer etc.  It's part of my Bipolarism, and the fact that I take after my mother in that regard, I HATE to clean, always have.  Take for instance today....it's my day off from work, and I do have appointments (got my stitches out of my foot) and I have an appointment with my counselor, so instead of using the time in between appointments here I sit messing on the computer.....gotta kick myself in the A$$ and go get busy.  I'll write more later, gonna be productive for a change.  :-) One thing that my counselor wants me to do is to keep track of my moods, my ups, my depression and anxiety.  I found a really cool app for my phone/tablet called EMoods, it is awesome, you can put your moods in each day and you can email a generated report that will show you h...

 In case you haven't realized I am big on quotes, sayings, pictures etc.  I don't know why but I just love them.  I feel like right now I have a pretty good life.  Yes we have money issues and things are squeaky tight, but I try not to let that get me down.  Last night we went out on a double date, yes a real bonified date :-), with a coworker of Rob's and his wife, it was really good we went to Bombay House which is an Indian restaurant, it was really cool because in our gluten free search we have found a lot of awesome Indian recipes that are gluten free, the menu had gluten free things on them, and not just one or two we are talking a lot.  We had a great time.  Yes I was a little anxious but I am always that way with new people I don't really know that well.  I had a very enjoyable time.  I don't have a lot of friends except through the internet so going out and having a good time was a lot of fun.  In fact I can count my true frien...

This weeks IMLAA is to work on your most important relationship, that is my relationship with my husband which I seriously damaged pulling my bipolar stunts (for those who don't know the whole story I opened up some credit cards in his name, then hid them from him and didn't pay them so that damaged his credit), I would venture to say because of all my bipolar crap we were headed for divorce, I hate even thinking that because we are truly sole mates, it angers me to no end that I let Bipolar win, that I did that to him.  I love my husband with all my heart.  I am so so sorry for everything I have put him through in the past 2 years.  We are actually going on a date tonight with a coworker of Robs and his wife.....we rarely go out to eat, so this should be fun. I have to say the ole apple trick is working!  I have had an apple first thing for 2 days in a row, and I didn't get drowsy on my way to work.....woot woot!  I am going on a diet for reals this time......

I have started a 'secret' support group on Facebook.  If you want to join message me at cprcheetah3@gmail.com with your FB name and I will add you to the group.  I wanted a place to go daily to vent, share successes, failures etc without judgement from the mainframe of people. I have discovered that in order to add you to the group we must first become friends, if you are not comfortable with this I completely understand.  If you are then send me a message and I will friend you then add you to the group. I am thinking of starting a forum as well so those who want more anonymity can have it.  I will work on it tonight when I get home from work. Here is a forum:   waiting4sunshine.forumotion.com

I had a friend ask me today how I can remain positive with everything that I have been through/been going through.  I told her that it does me no good to have a negative attitude about things, God has blessed me in my life so very much, I feel like I don't deserve a lot of it, but if he's willing to trust me with it I am willing to accept it.  I have been through a lot in my life, but those are lessons that I had to go through, things that 'polish' my edges so to speak and make me who I am today.  I wouldn't wish what I have been through, and Bipolar on my worst enemy, however I am grateful that I am finally getting the  help I need so that I can heal from all the emotional scars in my life, so that I can move forward and have a wonderful life with my husband.  Yes somedays it is a major task/effort to remain positive and not let the negative take over, but it's a choice I have made.  I want to change, I want to feel better, I don't like feeling so down a...

Today I choose to be spectacular and in an awesomely happy mood.  That is my 'mantra' for the day.  It was a good day, dealt with a couple of old senile dogs (they hate having anything done) even got bit by one, but not enough to break the skin.  But I didn't let it put me in a bad mood.  I can choose to let things like that throw my day off or I can let them roll of my shoulder.  Today I chose the upper road and am grateful I did.   I am feeling pretty good, have some anxiety, but I think part of the reason I'm having increased anxiety is because of not having the Neuroreplete......it still may have to wait 2 weeks or depending on how much I get paid.  I am keeping it under control though with L-Theanine and Klonipin.   I asked on Facebook today for an alternative to Caffeine for my morning wake up, and several people suggested and Apple, I will give that a try.  We bought some nummy "Jazz" apples which are a combo between Braeburn and...

One of the supplements my Dr has me on for anxiety is L-Theanine.  I have been reading up on it today as I am super anxious, already took a Klonopin, so I took 2 of my L-Theanines. http://www.biosynergy.com/l-theanine-natural-anti-anxiety/     Reading this it looks like it has mood enhancing effects as well.  I don't know exactly why I am anxious, I tend to get super anxious driving sometimes.  I tend to have to have finger foods/snacks when I drive and the more anxious I get the faster I stuff things into my mouth.  I believe part of the anxiety while driving stems from the Diesel pushing me off the road PTSD incident.  Other things running through my mind are finding somewhere else to live, getting my house clean so we can move, starting to go through and eliminate junk, finding time to spend with Rob while getting a clean house.....lots of things going through my head.....as well as am I doing a good enough job grooming?  Just random thoughts ...

I hate being broke.  I ran out of my Neuroreplete and L-Methionine last Thursday and boy can I tell a difference, I don't have as much energy, am a little bit depressed and really irritable today.  I've had to bite my tongue several times as I don't want to snap at Rob, but holy cow......who'da thunk that supplements made that much of a difference?  We're not sure if we will be able to afford the Neuroreplete on Thursday (when Rob gets paid) as it's $75 a month......but if it keeps me sane I'd say it's worth it. But we have bills to pay as well so we shall see.  Hopefully we can at least afford the L-Methionine as it helps with Dopamine levels.  Am also feeling a little anxious today.  I wonder how much of my mood has to do with the stormy, windy weather we are having today. Today I went back to work after my surgery.  It was a good day had 7 total dogs a couple were just bath dogs so easy peasy.  Jen, my sister came down and bathed for me so ...

This is a continuation of yesterdays post so to speak.  I have huge insecurities which in turn cause me to have huge anxiety.  I guess part of it stems from my PTSD and issues from that.  I really do need to work on my negative self talk, and work on feeling better about myself.  I know part of it is my weight and feeling ugly because of it.  As soon as the Dr gives me the go-ahead I am going to start exercising again.  The Zyprexa I am on increases my appetite and makes me crave carbohydrates, so I will try to eat healthier snacks like lunch meats, cheese etc.  Problem is of course $$$$.  I got my confirmation for the bankruptcy which relieves some of my anxiety.  I have been fretting about it so much.  Now we just have to pay so much a month for the next 5 years.  It really was the best option for me as I owed 11,000 on a car that's worth $4000.  Darn interest. I went to the Dr today and he said my toe looks great. ...

In my search for cool quotes etc I came across this, and I totally love it.  I have a really hard time believing in myself, really hard accepting myself for who I am.  In partial hospitalization they told us to say positive affirmations in the mirror.  I really should follow their advice and start saying positive things to myself in the mirror.  Here are some things that I do Believe about myself: I am compassionate I am great with animals I am good at scrap booking I enjoy spending time with my husband I am a good groomer I enjoy making jewelry Things that I need to work on (things that people tell me) I am a Beautiful Child of God I am sexy (or so my husband tells me) I am pretty I have amazing curves I am smart So it looks like I have some 'affirmations' that I need to work on.  I will take it one day at a time and start telling myself that I am a beautiful powerful woman.  I've got to stop the negative self talk.

It has been 8 weeks since I overdosed.  8 Weeks since that dreadful day that gave me a huge wake up call, got me back on medications and seeing counselors (which is something I hadn't done before).  How am I feeling you might ask?  I am having way more good days than bad days, don't get me wrong I still have my down moments, but they are not as severe and not as frequent as they were.  I am seeing a counselor who is really helping me a lot with all my issues.  Slowly but surely, I see her every 2 weeks and see my psychiatrist every month for medicine visits. Here are a few 'update' questions so you know how I am doing How do I feel about myself?  I still have low self esteem, but I don't 'hate' myself as much as I did. Depression?  I have my ups and downs, but am pleased to say I have more good days than bad days. Suicidal Thoughts?  I have not had any since I started this whole mess Mania?   Have felt a little manic, but am pleased to...

So just chillaxin with my babe and my furkids today, taking it easy as I recouperate from surgery on my toe.  I am definitely feeling it today.....pain med (Percocet) is making me super nauseas, but I have Phenergen to counteract the nausea.  I have just been resting and keeping my foot propped up today.  I slept in until about 11:30.  Rob is taking excellent care of my and the furkids.   I am thankful today for my sweet husband, for his job which allowed him to work from home today so he could be with me after surgery.  Grateful for my parents who came to the hospital yesterday, grateful for my sisters who have both called to check on me. I am grateful to be alive. I have decided to join a 'weekly' challenge.  It's called "It's My Life After All" aka IMLAA I found it on   -  http://adventuresinyayaland.blogspot.co.uk/p/imlaa.html  blog, and she has weekly goals that they focus on that helps them get better.  This is week...

  Today I have a bone spur removed on my left pinky toe....again (had the exact same surgery last november), and surgery, pre-op etc went so smoothly I'm still having a hard time believing it.  I was minimally anxious for it today, last time I was completely wigging, crying and the likes.  Went in the operating room fine, and when I came back out, I was calm/collected, no panic/anxiety/ hyperventilating attacks.  I know that I was so much better this time because of the meds I am on, they have totally helped me have a 'balanced' life.  I love it!  I did not get sick/nauseas from the anesthesia.  I'm trying to convince Rob to buy me a "Bear Hug" system for christmas.....the bed warmer they hook up to your hospital gown. Oh and my dream was just that a dream about all the changes I have been making....as someone reared her ugly head.  I am not being emotional about it at all, yes there is that little bit of grief I am feeling but I'm not foc...

For many the term 'mental health' has a certain stigma or hush hush aspect to it.  I always tell my husband that I am crazy 'certifiably'.  Does that make me any less of a person?  Absolutely not.  To me it is just one of those cards that life decided to hand down to me.....well for me it runs in my family so life.....and my parents....  My name is Heather I am 35 years old, and have been Bipolar since I was 17, well probably longer than that, but that's when I was diagnosed.  It has been a bumpy road to where I am at at this present time.  Lots of ups, tons of downs and 1 suicide attempt (August 2012) to pull my head out of where-ever and for me to realize the seriousness of my situation/disease if I didn't get it taken care of.   I had quit taking my pills a 3 months supply lasted me 2 years.   So my husband called my insurance company and they referred me to a place where I could get Outpatient/Partial hospitalization to help me.  I...

<--------- VERY TRUE!   I have developed the habit to take my pills faithfully twice a day without fail.  It's ingrained in my brain, eat breakfast = pills, eat dinner = pills, go to bed = pills.  It's like 2nd nature to me.  I need to make it a habit to exercise......then maybe I can be happier with my body.  I am having surgery the day after tomorrow so won't be able to do any walking etc for 2 weeks approximately.....so maybe I will just have to do upper body workouts. Communication is NOT one of my strong points, I guess I really need to work on it, had I communicated with Rob about my surgery instead of just scheduling it, I would be having it next week when he gets paid so we could have a little more money to pay the co-pays etc.  Lesson learned, talk things over with Rob before I just jump on in. Sorry I didn't post this last night, I seriously went to bed at 7:30ish, I was so beat from my day of grooming.  I had 8 dogs, 5 of which wer...

Today I met with my counselor.  It was a very emotional visit.  We talked about my issues with not being able to have a baby after trying for 7 years.  It makes me feel like I am a bad person who doesn't deserve to have children.  My counselor wants me to eliminate the word bad from my vocabulary as it is a judgement word.  We haven't seen a specialist yet, I keep hinting and bringing it up, but we have yet to have enough money for any fertility treatments.  My counselor suggested that we start putting a little away each paycheck for it.   Infertility hurts, it hurts so badly each month, and I have had a couple of dreams lately that I am pregnant.  My counselor interpreted it in a book by saying it could mean the 'newness' in my life (my journey to better emotional/mental health), or it could mean that I am literally pregnant.  Here is a little bit of what I found about it:  To dream that you are pregnant symbolizes an aspect ...

 I love this quote.  Every day we have a 'do-over' we can change the things we can and accept the things we can't change.  Today was a good day, I spent it with my husband watching tv/movies and cuddling on the couch.  These times I spend with Rob are so precious to me, I know sometimes he feels neglected, but I really am trying.  I don't know what is going on but chicken is making me super nauseous.  I couldn't finish my dinner last night nor my lunch this afternoon.  Weird. I had a weird dream last night, I dreamt that I was at the hospital prepping for my surgery and they came and told me they couldn't do surgery because my pregnancy test was positive (apparently they test every female prior to surgery).  It was so real feeling.....totally weird.  I hate this time as every month when I get something it's like someone stabbed my heart a billion times, it breaks my heart each month when something comes around.  I want children so bad...

   Today was a tough day at work, I cut a dog who was being very naughty, he jerked his leg back right as I was clipping the elbow part, the wound had to be glued shut :-(  It stressed me out and made me super anxious. But I decided I wasn't going to let it ruin my day and put me in a bad mood (which something like that normally would).  I am feeling very grateful today however.  Grateful for my husband, my new phone (which is totally awesome and so much faster), grateful for my family, grateful for my beautiful sweet furkids, grateful for friends who offer advice when I need it :-)  I started on an increased dose of my mood stabilizer last night, I am feeling very balanced today, no mega ups, no mega downs just balanced which is good.  It will take more time to get into my system full strength but I'm glad that I didn't have any depression today.  (Knocking on wood). The pictures above are of 2 of my precious furbabies, Cedes on the left snoo...

I have been extremely irritable today.....I had 3 dogs today 2 golden retrievers and OMG they were naughty.  One was what I call a pancake dog (flattens and puts ALL their weight onto the floor, table, tub etc) and she was a big girl probably 80#.....so that was fun, couldn't get her to get up on the electric table at all....I had to put her front legs up then try to get her back legs up......then the male was about 40-50# overweight and didn't like standing up and had a very bad undercoat (dead hair) so I had to keep brushing to get it out before I could shave (a good reason NOT to shave a double coated breed such as a golden).....I don't know if the dogs fed off my anxiety/grumpiness or if their behavior made me grumpy but boy was I ever irritated today.  I took my 'bach's remedies' and one of my anxiety pills.  I don't like being irritable.  Rob says I've been really irritable lately. I met with my Psychiatrist....and we increased my mood pill (Zy...

It's not secret that I have a very poor self esteem.  I have little to no confidence in my abilities, and I have self image issues.  It is something that my counselor and I are/will be working on.  I am really trying to have more confidence.  I am really feeling confident about my grooming skills as I haven't had any legitimate complaints and I've now bee grooming for almost 3 months full time. I have PTSD because of several instances that have happened in my life (go read my 'about me page' and my Autobiography to find out more).  I just recently discovered I had PTSD, as I have a physical reaction when I see someone who caused me a lot of grief growing up for very long.  I am working on it, I do love this person, but the past did happen and it's something I really need to get through with the help of my counselor. Sometimes I think I'm so messed up I need a service dog to help keep me 'sane' so to speak.  I often wonder if it would help me wi...

Do you ever feel like you need a help button?  Like you are drowning or suffocating or just so overwhelmed with the tasks at hand?  That is how I felt/feel about my house, everything is/was so overwhelming that I couldn't even begin to start on it cause I didn't know where or would try and not see any progress at all.  My help button, was my AWESOME amazing, incredible CARING sister Lara being in tune with my needs.  She knew that my house was a sore spot between Rob and I and she wanted/offered to help.   Well today we ate probably 1/2 to 3/4's of the elephant called my house.  My sister Lara, and my mom and dad came up and spent the day here helping me clean.  It was awesome and I appreciated it so much.  We got my office, scrapbook room, and upstairs bathroom clean, (well just have to do some tidying up) but starting in the office/scrapbook room you couldn't even see the floor, you couldn't even walk/get into the scrapbook room as it was stac...