Shades of Sunshine

My name is Heather.   This post is going to be true and honesty and real and have to (too much information) .... So stop reading of you don't want to hear about it.   My name is Heather and I have an eating disorder.   I am a binge eater,  I am Bipolar,  have generalized anxiety disorder,  obsessive compulsive disorder and chronic daily migraines.  Hubby and I were eating Tortilla chips and salsa this afternoon and before long I had consumed most of a bag by myself.   Hubby casually asked if I had saved him anything but the crumbs.   Wow I really did that....... Yep that's me.   I have been eating donuts like crazy lately (every morning) and over eating.   I have lost about 80 pounds but the rate I am going I am gonna gain it all back.   We are trying to conceive and are staying fertility treatments and the wait for testing is gonna kill me.   I am supposed to start my perio...

This whole positive thinking and being nice to myself is NOT going to be easy.  Made a couple of stupid mistakes at work today and boy was I ever incredibly hard on myself.  I immediately started telling myself "you are such and idiot, you are so stupid, I can't believe you did that, what a moron you are".  I came home and bawled about it.  Why can't I just realize I am a human being and human beings make mistakes?  It doesn't mean I am stupid, or an idiot or a moron, just that I am human and mistakes happen.  Still processing it in my mind, I have OCD about things and can't let it go, so going over and over in my head and having anxiety about it.  Took an anxiety pill (Clonazepam) to try and settle my nerves.  My therapist wants me to tell myself to shut up when these thoughts occur, but that did not happen today I literally beat myself up for a good portion of the day.  One was a mistake about meds for a boarding dog and the other was a s...

<<<<<< This is my current 'motivational' picture, and my current short term goal (September 25th my 37th birthday).  I was a size 10 and 165# in this picture, my husband was able to life me without breaking his back (he is amazingly strong).  I have a couple of my 'skinny' pictures above my computer so I see them constantly, that's what keeps me going.  I am SO close to my BMI goal (179.5) to get into the 'overweight' class instead of the 'obese' class, as well as so close to being 1/2 way (47.3# loss) to my goal weight!  I have been stalled for the past 3-4 weeks going up and down right around 183, well I have had enough so I decided to go back to what I know works for my body.  The Lean For Life diet.  I follow the book that they have.  I have done it before (in 2004/2005) so I know I can do it again.  I have a new determination right now which feels awesome. I have had a few 'lax' weeks and I know that's wh...

I am in a depressed state at the moment.  I feel good but at the same time have this cloud of depression hanging over my head.  I am in a funk, I don't clean the house even though it is my 'job' now before you say anything about my husband should help, the hours of my job are basically part time, I'm home a good majority of the time therefore it's my responsibility to keep the dishes done, the house clean etc.  If my husband didn't work full time hours we would share the responsibility of the house. However, lately I just can't do it, I can't keep a clean house.  I wish I could but it's just beyond me at the moment.  Maybe my meds need tweaked a little bit or maybe I'm not on the right meds for my disease.  I spend my days off either watching tv, sleeping in or goofing on the computer, as well as the time I am home, some days I am home from work by 1pm.....my hubby gets home about 7:30 now, so that is plenty of time for me to clean up the hou...

I really have felt lately that God has taught me how to fly with my disease.  Everyone always tells me that I am doing so well and they can't believe how quickly I bounced back from my suicide attempt.  Well I made the choice as I was in the hospital that I wanted  things to change, that I wanted  to get better, and that I wanted  to get the help that I needed.  I guess that was the lowest of low points in my life, and I am so grateful that God caught me and has led me to the counselor and people that I needed to see to get help.  Our insurance company was instrumental in getting me the help that I needed, and I am forever grateful for them. Today was a high anxiety day at work, I groomed 3 dogs for chronic complainers, no matter what their dogs never are like they want them.  They are extremely picky, the dogs hair cuts could be perfect and they will find something to complain about, however they rarely complain to me they complain to my boss...

Joy in the moments The most consistently miserable people are those who can’t be happy unless everything always goes their way. The most consistently happy and fulfilled people are those who decide to enjoy and make the best of whatever comes their way. It’s great to expect the best for yourself, because your expectations drive your reality. Yet life will deliver many unexpected twists, turns and disappointments on the way to fulfilling those expectations. Making yourself miserable about those disappointments and misfortunes won’t achieve anything positive. Stop and think how much more effective you would be if you could simply accept those disappointments and then move on past them. Expect the best, and make the most of the rest. That’s the quickest way to get where you’re going while finding plenty of joy in the precious moments along the way. Ralph Marston One of my toughest things is feeling good about my accomplishments no matter how little.  Yesterday...

So today I had 2 cats to groom, the owners told me that EVERY time one of them is groomed she is cut by the clippers (wound), and last time she was groomed somewhere they sliced her leg open bad enough she needed stitches......so that had me super anxious today at work.  But my dad came down and helped me (Cats are really tough to shave by yourself) and we came through the groom crystal clear no wounds :-)  The owner was very happy and even gave me a $30 tip!  Woot Woot!  She said they must like me because she was told repeatedly what a brat the boy was, he didn't give me any trouble.  So see my anxiety was for nothing. Rob (my husband) and I continue to work on our relationship, and are getting good use of our endorphins ;-)  Yeah I know TMI, but that is definitely one part of our relationship that definitely needs more work.  We are working on things.  Had a 'chinese' food date night tonight, and it was really good, and we had a great time j...

Today was a busy day at work I groomed 8 dogs. I groomed one that was 17 years old.....and cranky as all get out.  And I got a 'perfect' job from ms picky pants, she finally brought in a picture showing me how she wanted her dogs groomed, she is very particular about their heads, I think I've done her dogs now 5 times and she hasn't been happy with them until today.....the previous groomer said she was never happy and she's been grooming her dogs for 30 years so that made me feel better.   It is going to be a busy week at work, which is awesome seeing as how we need the money big time and I am paid on commission, so the more I groom the better my paycheck. I am pulling out of the depression I've been in the past few days.  Hubby and I seem to be doing better with our relationship....at least today I feel that way, I'm really trying to make an effort to help him feel loved, touched and cared for.  We have decided we are moving, we have a couple possibilit...

Today was a slow day at work, had a cancellation and then the other 2 didn't show up....they were scheduled at 9:30, I tried calling them a couple of times they finally called at 1:30 and wanted me to groom their 2 dogs....needless to say they were rescheduled for next week.  Some people can be inconsiderate.  Would you show up 4 hours late to a Dr's appointment and expect to be seen?  Highly Doubtful. I am making progress, in my mental health as well as my physical.  I have lost 5# this week, I basically have 200 calories for breakfast and 200 calories for lunch with 100 calories snacks 3x a day and a healthy dinner.  It hasn't been as hard as I anticipated which is good.  I think I finally have the mindset that I need to lose the weight, the will power.  Yesterday was a hard day as I always turn to food for grieving, stress, anxiety, pretty much anything that doesn't go my way.

I hate being broke.  I ran out of my Neuroreplete and L-Methionine last Thursday and boy can I tell a difference, I don't have as much energy, am a little bit depressed and really irritable today.  I've had to bite my tongue several times as I don't want to snap at Rob, but holy cow......who'da thunk that supplements made that much of a difference?  We're not sure if we will be able to afford the Neuroreplete on Thursday (when Rob gets paid) as it's $75 a month......but if it keeps me sane I'd say it's worth it. But we have bills to pay as well so we shall see.  Hopefully we can at least afford the L-Methionine as it helps with Dopamine levels.  Am also feeling a little anxious today.  I wonder how much of my mood has to do with the stormy, windy weather we are having today. Today I went back to work after my surgery.  It was a good day had 7 total dogs a couple were just bath dogs so easy peasy.  Jen, my sister came down and bathed for me so ...

   Today was a tough day at work, I cut a dog who was being very naughty, he jerked his leg back right as I was clipping the elbow part, the wound had to be glued shut :-(  It stressed me out and made me super anxious. But I decided I wasn't going to let it ruin my day and put me in a bad mood (which something like that normally would).  I am feeling very grateful today however.  Grateful for my husband, my new phone (which is totally awesome and so much faster), grateful for my family, grateful for my beautiful sweet furkids, grateful for friends who offer advice when I need it :-)  I started on an increased dose of my mood stabilizer last night, I am feeling very balanced today, no mega ups, no mega downs just balanced which is good.  It will take more time to get into my system full strength but I'm glad that I didn't have any depression today.  (Knocking on wood). The pictures above are of 2 of my precious furbabies, Cedes on the left snoo...

I have been extremely irritable today.....I had 3 dogs today 2 golden retrievers and OMG they were naughty.  One was what I call a pancake dog (flattens and puts ALL their weight onto the floor, table, tub etc) and she was a big girl probably 80#.....so that was fun, couldn't get her to get up on the electric table at all....I had to put her front legs up then try to get her back legs up......then the male was about 40-50# overweight and didn't like standing up and had a very bad undercoat (dead hair) so I had to keep brushing to get it out before I could shave (a good reason NOT to shave a double coated breed such as a golden).....I don't know if the dogs fed off my anxiety/grumpiness or if their behavior made me grumpy but boy was I ever irritated today.  I took my 'bach's remedies' and one of my anxiety pills.  I don't like being irritable.  Rob says I've been really irritable lately. I met with my Psychiatrist....and we increased my mood pill (Zy...

No I don't have voices in my head other than thoughts or feelings on occasion....so no I don't hear people or things that aren't there so to speak.  Rob and I were talking about it as on his way home he usually takes the frontage road from the last exit to our house as it's always mega backed up on the freeway.  Anyways today he had a 'bad' feeling about the frontage road, and while he was driving on the freeway saw the wind blow a metal piece from a Billboard onto the frontage road....right when he would have passed it, so it's a good thing he listened to that feeling.  Then we got to talking how you should follow feelings, and Rob said "except the ones that tell you to take a bunch of pills"  I don't know how I got so lucky, I didn't even pass out from it.  I agree, don't list to the bad voices/feelings.  In a weird way I am grateful that I had the 'shock' and wakeup call, otherwise I wouldn't be where I am today.  Rob sai...

You are an unfinished work in progress. One of the good things about life’s challenges: You get to find out that you’re capable of being far more than you ever thought possible. Karen Salmansahn As you can tell, I love quotes, motivational things etc.  I love this, as I have been through a lot of challenges in my life.  As I heard once that your challenges whittle you into the person you are, how you handle them is also a big part of it.  My husband was in a car accident today in his work parking lot.  He has been struggling with his depression and he handled it really well, I am proud of him.   He didn't get upset, or maime the guy (LOL j/k), he handled it very smoothly.  Way to go babe.          The grooming fairy (my sister) visited me again....this time she brought me super cute bows for the dogs hair.  I put some in the last dog I groomed today and her owner absolutely loved her.  She gave me a good tip t...

 Today we had a thunderstorm, and there was a small rainbow.  It got me to thinking that my 'storm' was my event a few weeks ago, and now the storm is clearing and things are looking bright (rainbow).  As you can tell I LOVE analogies.  I am doing extremely well.  I did have a bit of anxiety, but not an attack while we were driving in the rain (stems from being ran off the road in a rain storm 15+ years ago by a semi truck), but I did my breathing exercises and was fine.  Things are really looking up, I feel great and am getting more accomplished both at home and at work, and feeling generally great.  I heard some news from the previous place I worked (the vet) and it really sounds like things are going to hell in a handbasket (pardon my language), but it's the truth. I am glad that I got out when I did, from the sounds of it, they aren't going to be in business much longer.    I love my new job as a Pet Groomer, today I got to do a 'comb'...

So today was my first day back at work, and boy was it a busy day.  Thanks to Jen (my sister) for coming in and helping me.  We groomed 7 Shih Tzu's, Bathed and Tidy on 1, and 1 show shih tzu bath/brushout....then I fed and changed pads on the shop dogs.  I am very proud of myself as I killed a HUGE (50cent piece sized) wolf spider today.....crushed it with a dog food bowl lol!  A Magical Fairy delivered some awesome stuff for me at work today......A Groomers Helper (have been wanting one forever), which is basically a 'safety' tether that keeps dogs from walking/wandering all over the table, and saved me from getting bit today when I was trimming nails....woot woot!  Then Jen got a free pair stainless steel comb blades for the cordless clippers, she already had some so she gave them to me....AWESOME!  The cordless clippers can get in legs and such much easier, so it's going to make grooming that much easier.  So today went very well, no panicking be...