Confessions of a jumbled mind

My name is Heather.   This post is going to be true and honesty and real and have to (too much information) .... So stop reading of you don't want to hear about it.   My name is Heather and I have an eating disorder.   I am a binge eater,  I am Bipolar,  have generalized anxiety disorder,  obsessive compulsive disorder and chronic daily migraines.  Hubby and I were eating Tortilla chips and salsa this afternoon and before long I had consumed most of a bag by myself.   Hubby casually asked if I had saved him anything but the crumbs.   Wow I really did that....... Yep that's me.   I have been eating donuts like crazy lately (every morning) and over eating.   I have lost about 80 pounds but the rate I am going I am gonna gain it all back.   We are trying to conceive and are staying fertility treatments and the wait for testing is gonna kill me.   I am supposed to start my period today and I always start mid morning...... Now not here yet.   Body playing an evil trick on me.   I was nauseated mid morning for no reason.   Have been having intense hunger and cravings,   cramping and random pains in my right side.   Not to mention some discharge,  Which can all be signs of pregnancy and is making me crazy...... But can also be signs of a (aunt flow) aka period.   I am also an emotional water so when I get anxious or stressed I eat...... Need to put that too better use and exercise instead.   I have been depressed lately and according to a test my psychiatrist bag me take on Tuesday is pretty severe.   I don't feel super depressed but the signs are there.   So let me break it down how each of my issues are going.  Update Sunday......still waiting for AF to arrive......making me CRAZY!

1) Weight loss,  fitness,  binge eating.    So I have lost about 80# and over 83 inches in my body in the past 18 months, and I could be at my goal.....but I am not.   I have been stuck the past 3 or 4 months.  Losing during the week then eating more or things I shouldn't on the weekend and gain 5 to 10# then lost it during the week etc..... Vicious cycle.   I get up at 4:50 every morning and jog for 30 minutes before work.   On days off and on the weekend I try to jog for an hour.   I have had enough.   I have got to get healthier for a healthy pregnancy when it happens.   As of Monday I will try to post a blog everyday with accountability of how my eating was and how Things are going in my life.   When I had my suicide attempt a few years back writing daily in my blog was very therapeutic for me.   Let's hope it has the same effect.  For those not familiar with my weight loss journey you can follow me on Facebook and Instagram.   I eat gluten free, sugar free,  lower carb and count calories and track everything I eat using the app Lose it!  I also have a Fit Bit Flex which keeps track of how many steps I take in a day and how many calories burned.  I aim for 10,000 steps each day and most days I achieve that.  I had surgery in august for my bladder leakage issues because I couldn't do jumping jacks, sneeze, cough, lift heavy things without leakage.  It's probably 99% better and I haven't done my '100 calorie' burn exercise that I loved doing maybe only once or twice since the Dr approved me doing it.  It's basically 40 jumping jacks, 30 crunches 20 squats and 10 pushups, it's quite the intense workout, but I just haven't felt like doing it.  I would love to do the jogging before work and then come home from work and get maybe 1-2 sets of the 100 calorie burn in while dinners cooking or while hubby is working on his 3D printer or such, it doesn't take long and will give me that extra calorie burn.  

2)  Bipolar,  depression,  anxiety,  obsessive compulsive disorder...... I have been bipolar for 20 years now.   I have been somewhat stable for a while but the mood stabilizer I am on at therapeutic levels makes me to drowsy in the mornings and I have an extremely hard time driving to work and staying awake. So I am not on a therapeutic dose.    Then the antidepressant I have been on is known to increase anxiety so we have reduced the dosage to 1/2 of the normal dose........ Enter depression for past few weeks.   I manage at work really well.   I am highly functional at work not so much at home...... My house is messy,  I have dishes piled up on my counters and stove,  my floors need vacuumed and swept and mopped.... And picked up..... You get the point.  I used to spend hours finding weight loss and exercise motivational pins and quotes and haven't done that for a while.  It was something that motivated me and something I thoroughly enjoyed....again enter depression.    I have a room full of scrap book stuff I haven't used in years and jewelry kit I haven't made anything out of for quite some time.  It's time to pull out of this funk.   We started me on Lamictal this past week but have to work up slowly to a therapeutic dose.   I just have to make it that long.  About a month   So a couple things I am going to do.   I have used Flylady in the past but always give up after a week or so.  I am going to try it again and stick with it. That will help me get the house under control again.  She does this thing called crisis cleaning where you take 15 minutes and work on a room, then work on another room for 15 minutes.  I think I am going to do this, work on maybe one room each night.  I have a whole task list on the tablet of things I 'should' do each night after work, and each day or every few days I go mark them as complete even though I didn't complete them......that stops now, I will complete the items on my task list.     I am going to start using some stress and relaxation apps with guided mediations and such to help unwind after a long day at work.    Anxiety wise things are somewhat better with the supplements I am taking.   Still get it but it's not as severe as it was and I can hide it while I am at work most of the time.  I have OCD so if I make a mistake or do something that makes me anxious my brain holds on to it for the entire day and then I have anxiety for the entire day.  I have exercises that my therapist (I see regularly) has given me as well as some that I have found online that I use that help me get through it.  The picture above is my night time pills minus my 3 fish oil capsules, the majority are supplements, you can see exactly what I am on by clicking on this link here: http://waiting4sunshine.blogspot.com/p/my-meds.html  As far as staying on medication while pregnant.  I have discussed it with my husband and my psychiatrist and we are going to stay on meds while pregnant.  I am a very ugly, mean bipolar when I am off medication and my husband does not deserve to have to deal with that.  So I will be staying on medications while I am pregnant (when that happens).  My husband is the best support a person could ask for, he is always there for me and is always willing to give up what he is doing and snuggle on the couch with me when I am having a down day and I love him for that.  

3)  Fertility/Pregnancy  So we have started seeking help in this department after trying (off and on but not too seriously) for the past 10 years and then we having issues with not ovulating for several months we decided it was time to seek out the help of a fertility specialist.  We have excellent insurance coverage that covers Artificial Insemination and In Vitro pretty much 100%.  So we have had some testing done, and I have been researching on the Anti-Mullerian Results and found there are actually things that can be done to improve egg quality and possibly improve the numbers.  Here are some links to read if you are interested:

http://natural-fertility-info.com/amh-ovarian-reserve-continued-follicle-production.html

http://natural-fertility-info.com/increase-egg-health
http://naturalmedicinejournal.com/journal/2012-06/assessing-egg-quantity-anti-mullerian-hormone-0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSk1ycZakDg

So I have decided that I am going to discuss taking DHEA with my RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) when I see her next.  But I am already taking high dose Fish Oil, Vitamin D, and I just added CoQ10 to my list of ever growing supplements.  Sometimes I feel like a walking pharmacy, but each and every supplement has a purpose and a reason for me taking it.  So as far as the fertility goes, we are waiting results on the genetic test to see if Rob and I are carriers for certain diseases, and then I have my Cycle day 3 and Cycle day 7 to 12 tests to go and Rob has to go give a semen test then we will have a follow up and see what the game plan is.  So that's where stuff sits at the moment.

So my game plan is to get back on track with the diet, take more control over my anxiety/bipolar, and learn more about the infertility issues.  I will try to post a blog each day if not every other day to keep myself better on track.