Shades of Sunshine

My name is Heather.   This post is going to be true and honesty and real and have to (too much information) .... So stop reading of you don't want to hear about it.   My name is Heather and I have an eating disorder.   I am a binge eater,  I am Bipolar,  have generalized anxiety disorder,  obsessive compulsive disorder and chronic daily migraines.  Hubby and I were eating Tortilla chips and salsa this afternoon and before long I had consumed most of a bag by myself.   Hubby casually asked if I had saved him anything but the crumbs.   Wow I really did that....... Yep that's me.   I have been eating donuts like crazy lately (every morning) and over eating.   I have lost about 80 pounds but the rate I am going I am gonna gain it all back.   We are trying to conceive and are staying fertility treatments and the wait for testing is gonna kill me.   I am supposed to start my perio...

So I am doing really well at the moment.  I feel great, my self worth and self esteem is going up, I feel confident and am really happy at the moment.  I have been exercising every day since Friday.  I have been walking 2-3 miles per day.  It is really liberating and I feel great.  It helps my anxiety and helps me feel better about myself.  I am even walking in my leggings and going on busy roads, normally I choose roads that are less traveled so no one will stare at me and judge me....yeah I'm messed up to say the least.  I usually am very self conscious, I HATE my legs and still feel 'fat', even though I have lost 76# and 63".  I met with my psychiatrist last Friday.  Not sure how I like how the visit went.  I told her about my increased anxiety and she doesn't want to put me on anything for the anxiety just gave me some Klonopin for when the anxiety happens.  She wants me to work with my therapist on the Cognitive Behavior Ther...

This whole positive thinking and being nice to myself is NOT going to be easy.  Made a couple of stupid mistakes at work today and boy was I ever incredibly hard on myself.  I immediately started telling myself "you are such and idiot, you are so stupid, I can't believe you did that, what a moron you are".  I came home and bawled about it.  Why can't I just realize I am a human being and human beings make mistakes?  It doesn't mean I am stupid, or an idiot or a moron, just that I am human and mistakes happen.  Still processing it in my mind, I have OCD about things and can't let it go, so going over and over in my head and having anxiety about it.  Took an anxiety pill (Clonazepam) to try and settle my nerves.  My therapist wants me to tell myself to shut up when these thoughts occur, but that did not happen today I literally beat myself up for a good portion of the day.  One was a mistake about meds for a boarding dog and the other was a s...

Today I called our insurance to get help finding a therapist to go talk to.  I had to answer some pretty difficult questions, "Are you suicidal?  Are you having thoughts of harming yourself or others"  Yes, I am having bad thoughts, but I have no intentions of acting on them.  Hubby and I were talking last night and it hit me just how much I hurt him this weekend, and how much I damaged our relationship yet again, in case you haven't realized this by now, I'm really good at that.  He is a saint for putting up with all my crap.  It's not like I intentionally want to hurt him or say things to hurt him intentionally, I'm bipolar sometimes I have no control over it.  But we are going to move forward, I am getting help, and we are going to work on strengthening our relationship.  My husband is the most forgiving person I have ever met and I truly love him for that.   We have been married for almost 10 years and boy have we had our ups and downs,...

My name is Heather and I am Bipolar.  Normally I would say I "HAVE" Bipolar, but I have been letting it define me lately so I am Bipolar at the moment.  Last night I had an ugly case of rage that I directed at my dog because she didn't want to go in her kennel for bed time.  I got ugly with her and my husband.  Not going to go into details just that my anger was not called for or justified.  I don't know what came over me, it was not a situation that warranted the kind of rage that came over me.  My husband was holding our foster kitten and was being cute with him and was trying to get me to kiss the kitten.  I was trying to get the fur kids to go to bed,  I told her "Ruby time for bed" she jumped off the couch and laid down on a blanket on the ground, I flew into a rage directed at Ruby because she didn't go directly to her kennel.  It was totally unwarranted and I am deeply sorry for what I said/did.  So needless to say things have b...

Hello there, I met with my counselor today, we went over my 'letter' (she had me write a letter to someone explaining their effects on me, not going to give the letter to the person though).  Any how then we were talking about how I'm doing.  I told her that I have been depressed about the car accident, even though it wasn't my fault I still felt guilt and shame for it because we had to scrimp and not pay bills so we could get me a cheapie car (we paid $850 for it).  It really made things hard on us this month.  Then I feel depressed about my job, I am not even making minimum wage (on commission), so that's making things difficult to pay bills etc.  My counselor said it wasn't depression just life's events.  I don't agree with that I have had suicide ideations and been mega down in the dumps.  I think that qualifies as depression.  I told her that I thought I needed an increase in my anti-depressant or a different one.  Again she disagreed ...

I am in a depressed state at the moment.  I feel good but at the same time have this cloud of depression hanging over my head.  I am in a funk, I don't clean the house even though it is my 'job' now before you say anything about my husband should help, the hours of my job are basically part time, I'm home a good majority of the time therefore it's my responsibility to keep the dishes done, the house clean etc.  If my husband didn't work full time hours we would share the responsibility of the house. However, lately I just can't do it, I can't keep a clean house.  I wish I could but it's just beyond me at the moment.  Maybe my meds need tweaked a little bit or maybe I'm not on the right meds for my disease.  I spend my days off either watching tv, sleeping in or goofing on the computer, as well as the time I am home, some days I am home from work by 1pm.....my hubby gets home about 7:30 now, so that is plenty of time for me to clean up the hou...

I believe honesty is the best policy.  I feel that I need a different antidepressant, as I am having suicidal ideation (no worries about me acting on it I won't do that to myself again).  I feel pretty stable mood wise, like not angry or anything and feel happy but having thoughts about taking pills (again no worries about me acting on it).  I am going to call my pdoc tomorrow and see if we can't get something else for my antidepressant.  I don't think the wellbutrin is working any more.  I guess that is part of being bipolar is working with my psychiatrist to find the right balance of meds.  I think we have found the right balance of the mood stabilizer but the anti-depressant I think we need a different one. I had my 2nd sleep apnea study last night, again with the wires out the wazoo, they put this gel type stuff in your hair that is nearly impossible to get out.  You have to use extremely hot water to get it out and even then it doesn't all come ...

Wow, 3 posts in a week :-)  Today is my day off, I have had to force myself to get off the couch/computer and do dishes and put laundry away.  I slept in until about 10am, which felt good.  It was much needed, yesterday physical therapy kicked my butt.  Usually it's been my lower back that's hurting, now it's my upper back and boy does it hurt.  I found out my xray results finally, I have scoliosis of my neck (pretty sure I have it in my back too as I was told I did in Jr High when they had the nurse come and check us out).  I don't think it causes me any pain at the moment other than my residual car accident pain. My car is still running good, not bad for $850.00. My hubby added some fluids to it, like antifreeze/coolant and windshield wiper fluid, which is kind of a funny story, the day I totaled my car he went to walmart and picked up antifreeze and windshield wiper fluid for my car :-)  Gotta love his thoughtfulness.  I am on several bip...

So I had an eye opening experience today.  My bishop (clergy) called both my husband and I into his office today, I thought for sure that it was to give us a calling (job in the church).  Boy was I wrong.  The bishop noticed that I was sad recently and wanted to know what he could do to help me.  My husband after he met with the bishop (we met individually) asked me if I had been taking my pills as for the last month I have been down, depressed and negative.  I have not missed one dose of medications that I can promise.  I am about out of my 3 month supply and will need more soon.  I guess that since my hubby and my bishop have noticed that I must seem sad.  I am a very shy withdrawn person and keep to myself in public places, I have met a few people in the congregation but I am not one to go up and talk to people.  In fact this week the Relief Society (women's group) had an activity and I didn't go because I didn't want to go by myself. ...

I was at walmart this morning when the gravity of what I did nearly 7 months ago hit me like a train wreck.  I started crying and just felt depressed about it.  Why was I so stupid?  What was I thinking?  It really hit me hard.  I can't believe I did that.  But at the same time, wow, what an eye opener it has proven to be.  It helped me seek the help that I was avoiding.  It was a mistake that will shape my life forever.  I am grateful that I was able to use it as a learning experience and that I was able to get the help that I so desperately needed.  I hated feeling the way I did about myself and just in general.  I was miserable and very unhappy. I snapped at my husband more often than not and put him through a living hell.  I am so sorry for that, it was not my intention to hurt him in any way, shape or form.  IT is hard to not let my past define me, but I am trying on a daily basis to learn from it and to press forwa...

The only difference between stumbling blocks and  stepping stones is the way in which we use them. (Unknown) Today was an okay day, again with the anxiety over getting my car registered, wasn't sure I'd get out of work in time to get it inspected as well as get up to the DMV to get it licensed.  Luckily I was able to do both, so that is one less thing to be anxious about today.  :-)  I did have anxiety driving in the snow though.  It's supposed to be a doozy of a storm.  Joyous.  I hate the snow, I live in the wrong state for someone who dislikes snow.  Oh well.  Right now I am warm and cozy in my comfy clothes, slipper socks and all, and warm in my house. I really like the quote above, as that is true, we can use stumbling blocks as stepping stones and get above the stumbling blocks.  It is our choice how we want to react to situations. I really needed to hear this as I am having the stumbling block ...

Love this quote. Needed badly right now. It seems like my depression is getting somewhat better.  My counselor told me I am too tense that I needed to loosen up.  So she suggested that I dance around the house to music every day to see how it worked.  She said some people have 'movement' therapy that helps them.  So I didn't dance around my house, I danced to the radio at work, surprisingly enough it put me in a better mood and relaxed me.  Woot Woot (can you tell I like saying those words?)  Anyhow I am glad to be a little happier today.  I get to go do a shot clinic with my dad at the local shelter, should be fun. Back from the shelter, only got scratched up by a hyper pug, it was actually fun to see some puppies and help out. I am on high anxiety.....mostly about driving my car with expired tags.....and the fear of getting pulled over.  As my counselor would say just because it happened once doesn't mean it will happen again....but the an...

Today was not a good day, first off I didn't want to get out of bed, then I put off doing something I told my hubby I would do, went to go see my counselor and got pulled over on the way there for having expired plates.....joy for me, now I have to take time off work to go appear in court, oh the joyful fun of it.    Then I went and saw my counselor and cried for the first time in a while.  I have just felt so depressed lately, not severe depression, but just have no energy, takes a lot to get me to do something (other than sitting on the couch playing with computer and watching TV).  I have felt like crying for a while, and just can't.....guess being emotionless is one of the lovely side effects of the meds I am on, I don't like it one bit.  My counselor thinks I am too tense, she wants me to work on dancing around the house for a few songs each day.....okey dokey, guess that will help ease the tension. We made huge progress in a room in the basement yester...

As the year ends I have been reflecting upon the past year and what I have done and what I have been through.  I have decided that I must accept my past, accept my mistakes and look forward to the future.  I chose to attempt suicide in order to escape the pain that I was feeling, the pain of not being able to accept my short comings, and not being able to accept my bipolar condition and what it caused me to do and not do.  My poor husband put up with so much, it's no wonder he didn't leave me.  I truly have a gem of a husband.  He is so truly amazing it is hard to believe that he is mine forever.  He has put up with so much, yet has stuck by my side and continues to do so.  I wouldn't be any where near where I am in my recovery if it wasn't for him.  He has made sure I have all the tools necessary to heal, to move on and to take care of myself.  I love him to pieces and am forever grateful. Also as we look to the new year, I want to get b...

What a year this has been, with me going postal on my bipolar and not taking my meds, and then attempting suicide in August, it has been one adventure after another.  In a strange way I am grateful for my suicide attempt as it has gotten me on the path to recovery with my bipolar.  Instead of avoiding taking my pills as much as I can, I now have missed very few doses in the last 4 months which is really good.  I have regular visits with my counselor and psychiatrist to learn new methods and new coping skills on how to deal with being the bipolar girl I am. Without my experience in August that would have never happened.  It was the scary wake up call that I needed.  I am grateful for my family and especially for my husband who has been by my side through it all, he has been there through the dark and hard times, and is there through the happy and bright times.  He truly is a gem.  I love him so much and wouldn't be where I am today without him.

Going through stuff as we pack/move and I just found a journal entry from 1992 where I talked about suicide.  I was mad because my brothers got away with murder and I was always in trouble for things that they did, like teasing me etc What a petty reason to think of suicide....so glad that I never acted on it back then.   I was not officially diagnosed with bipolar until the year 1996.  But WOW what a wake up call.  Kind of sad as I was only in Jr High at the time I wrote it.  Makes me realize that I have had issues longer than I remember. We are moving and packing and going through lots of junk, we have thrown away a lot of stuff (am embarrassed to say 4 truck-fulls so far....just one layer deep but wow we just have accumulated and saved stuff that we aren't going to do anything with or haven't used in 4 years.  I am super excited that we will have garbage cans right outside our front door, so we won't have to let the garbage stack up.  And no the...

<----- This was a quote that we discussed in length during my partial hospitalization.  How you respond to certain situations is key.  For example, yesterday I got bit at work by 2 different dogs, one I worked with and was able to finish, the other one was so aggressive/mean/onery that there was no way that I could safely finish the dog.  I called his owners and informed them that he was having an extremely bad day and wasn't going to let me finish.  Now the owner could have gotten upset as she'd brought her dog to me 2x before and I had been able to finish him, however she was super nice about it, offered to pay me for at least his bath and rebooked in a few weeks to see if he would be having a better day.  Some dogs when they get super old just get super onery about the whole grooming process.  There have been a couple that I've had to tell them that there is no way that I can finish their dog safely and suggested that they take their dogs to a place...

The past few days my anxiety has been a little high, not sure why, I can't pinpoint it exactly but it has been.  Today we are making pizza for dinner, so I make the crust all up and get it cooking, then Rob was like "Did you cook the hamburger".....WHOOPS, so instead of letting it just go....I get upset at my stupid self for not making it happen.  It even moved me to tears :-(  DARN Anxiety. I love my sweetheart to pieces, he is so supportive, immediately told me "Don't" when I started beating myself up over a simple mistake.  I just love my baby so much.  He truly completes me and is there for me no matter what. Riding a bit of a roller coaster today....ready to cry for stupid reasons.  Good thing Rob is feeling awful lovey dovey today, he keeps hugging me and holding me and making it all better. As for my thought of the day, I have been saying Rob and I have been talking about moving for a while now, and it just feels like everything is fallin...

Today was a busy day at work I groomed 8 dogs. I groomed one that was 17 years old.....and cranky as all get out.  And I got a 'perfect' job from ms picky pants, she finally brought in a picture showing me how she wanted her dogs groomed, she is very particular about their heads, I think I've done her dogs now 5 times and she hasn't been happy with them until today.....the previous groomer said she was never happy and she's been grooming her dogs for 30 years so that made me feel better.   It is going to be a busy week at work, which is awesome seeing as how we need the money big time and I am paid on commission, so the more I groom the better my paycheck. I am pulling out of the depression I've been in the past few days.  Hubby and I seem to be doing better with our relationship....at least today I feel that way, I'm really trying to make an effort to help him feel loved, touched and cared for.  We have decided we are moving, we have a couple possibilit...