Letting Go of the Past

So I am doing really well at the moment.  I feel great, my self worth and self esteem is going up, I feel confident and am really happy at the moment.  I have been exercising every day since Friday.  I have been walking 2-3 miles per day.  It is really liberating and I feel great.  It helps my anxiety and helps me feel better about myself.  I am even walking in my leggings and going on busy roads, normally I choose roads that are less traveled so no one will stare at me and judge me....yeah I'm messed up to say the least.  I usually am very self conscious, I HATE my legs and still feel 'fat', even though I have lost 76# and 63".  I met with my psychiatrist last Friday.  Not sure how I like how the visit went.  I told her about my increased anxiety and she doesn't want to put me on anything for the anxiety just gave me some Klonopin for when the anxiety happens.  She wants me to work with my therapist on the Cognitive Behavior Therapy.  At first I was all excited, but after talking to my therapist today, I think that I really need medication for my anxiety.  It's been going on too long and it is due to an imbalance in my brain and CBT may help but it's not going to stop it completely.  So I may be looking for a new Psychiatrist......yay for me...not too thrilled about that one.  I really like the one I have been seeing and I do not like change nor dealing with new people so it's going to be tough.

Today the therapist and I went on a field trip.  We walked down one of the busiest streets in the city while snapping our fingers and moving our arms up and down.  I HATE having people stare at me and it makes me super anxious.  So yeah....it was a fun anxiety filled event.  I prefer to stay in the shadows, I am not a 'look' at me type of a gal.  So we did that until my anxiety started lowering, then we went into a grocery store and we talked while he walked around clapping his hands.  People stared at us, rolled their eyes, tried not to make eye contact etc.....it was an experience.  We talked about a couple of people who were at the grocery store and how one had their head down and probably had bad self esteem, another was trying to draw attention to herself with the outfit she was wearing as to boost her self esteem by having people look at her.  Which is a 'bold' step I am going to take with my workout clothes when I am a little bit braver (I have hot pink and bright blue leggings I can wear)......not quite ready there.  Then we went into a bank just to get a sucker....again not something I normally do.  We did ask them if they had $2 bills.....then thanked them for their time and each took a sucker. 

We talked about how he thinks that I am the salt of the earth and that I am a phenomenal person, and a good person.  I am starting to believe that, I am starting to believe that I am pretty, that I am a worthy person.  I am starting to see in myself that which my husband sees, a beautiful, wonderful person.  He also told me that I am not crazy, that I am just misunderstood.  The last therapist I saw did nothing to help my self worth and self esteem, nothing like he has done in just 9 visits.  He wants me to create 'experiences' like the ones we had today in the next week.  Again out of my comfort zone, but it will help.  So I am sort of excited but scared to death to do this.  When I go shopping on Friday, I usually hit about 5 or 6 different stores (yeah we're sort of weird like that lol), so that will give me ample opportunities to draw attention to myself and have LOADS of anxiety.    He basically told me that all Klonopin is is a tranquilizer it does nothing to help the imbalance in my brain, which makes sense as I have heard that it really can knock some people out. 

Weight loss is going okay, I blew it this weekend and had a carb overload and gained 5#....EEEKKK, so I am back into the 150's, but I will get back out.  My goal for april is to get to 145# something that has eluded me, that and to exercise every day.  I love what it is doing for my Bipolar and my attitude and depression.  I can't tell you how much I look forward to my walk.  Yesterday at work it was all I could think about, so many hours until I get to go for my walk.  My wonderful hubby even though he didn't feel good even cooked dinner so I could go on my walk.  We have a thing that whomever is home first gets to cook dinner, and it happens most of the time, but he really didn't feel good last night so I must say thank you to him for doing that for me, I REALLY appreciated it and I really enjoyed my walk.