Met with my therapist today. I am so grateful for my husbands job and his wonderful insurance. They are covering 10 visits 100% with no copays. It is such a blessing to us that they are doing this. It was an interesting experience today. He asked me if I always did what was expected of me, if I ever went outside the 'norm' and did something spontaneous or anything like that. I told him no I pretty much stick to how things are supposed to go as I fear what others may think of me. As I told him that I double and triple check credit cards at work since my big screw up a few weeks back. He told me that is not facing it that is running away and letting it rule my life and causing me anxiety. Which is true, it does cause me anxiety. So we went on a field trip today and he took a mirror outside and dropped it and said he was just going to leave it there and let it be someone elses problem and someone else could clean it up (I'm pretty sure he will go back later and clean it up), but that put my anxiety through the roof, I am a rule following, straight and narrow type of a gal lol. Then we came in and we talked some more, he grabbed a very thick book and handed it to me and told me that his mom had given him this book and it was important to him and he wanted me to start ripping the pages out and throwing them on the floor.......yeah anxiety through the roof. I told him a couple of times that I didn't think I could do that. He kept pressing me telling me to do it so eventually I consented and I started ripping pages out of the book, he told me I couldn't stop until my anxiety was at a 5.....it took about 100 pages to get there. Then we went back outside with a piece of the mirror, he handed it to me and told me to drop it. I sat there for a minute but dropped it. It was as hard as I thought it would be. We came back inside and he brought in an intern to clean up the pages on the floor, again sent my anxiety through the roof. Then he told me to start ripping pages out of the book again so I did. It was liberating in a way.
We talked a lot about mistakes and how it's a normal part of life and I don't need to keep bringing them up, they are in the past and I need to move on and get over them. I try but I think it's part of my OCD, that I just can't let stuff go. I am not a perfectionist by any means so I don't get why I get so caught up on my failures and mistakes. It makes no sense to me.....ah the joys of a Bipolar, anxious, OCD mind. I guess in a way what others think of me is really important because I don't have a very good self esteem (something I am working on), and so when I make mistakes I feel like they are judging me (again irrational thinking) or think less of me because I messed up. So what if I make a mistake, that is what we are here on this earth for to be tested and tried and to make mistakes. The important thing is that I learn from my mistakes and try not to repeat them, not let them rule my life. So that is my goal is to let go and quit harping on my mistakes, I'm only human right?
As far as my health and wellness goes. Tomorrow marks 1 year that I have been on my weight loss journey. I really haven't been as committed to my weight loss recently as I could be. I have been maintaining between 150-155# but haven't been able to get below that. So I have decided I am rededicating myself to my health and wellness and losing these last 25# and getting my body more toned up and making my legs sexier for myself and my hubby (he loves my legs just would like to see them a little more toned). So starting tomorrow I am going to exercise every day whether or not I have a migraine. Exercise is supposed to be good for anxiety/depression/and bipolar so maybe that will get me feeling happier and functioning somewhat better.
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