Shades of Sunshine

So I am doing really well at the moment.  I feel great, my self worth and self esteem is going up, I feel confident and am really happy at the moment.  I have been exercising every day since Friday.  I have been walking 2-3 miles per day.  It is really liberating and I feel great.  It helps my anxiety and helps me feel better about myself.  I am even walking in my leggings and going on busy roads, normally I choose roads that are less traveled so no one will stare at me and judge me....yeah I'm messed up to say the least.  I usually am very self conscious, I HATE my legs and still feel 'fat', even though I have lost 76# and 63".  I met with my psychiatrist last Friday.  Not sure how I like how the visit went.  I told her about my increased anxiety and she doesn't want to put me on anything for the anxiety just gave me some Klonopin for when the anxiety happens.  She wants me to work with my therapist on the Cognitive Behavior Ther...

This whole positive thinking and being nice to myself is NOT going to be easy.  Made a couple of stupid mistakes at work today and boy was I ever incredibly hard on myself.  I immediately started telling myself "you are such and idiot, you are so stupid, I can't believe you did that, what a moron you are".  I came home and bawled about it.  Why can't I just realize I am a human being and human beings make mistakes?  It doesn't mean I am stupid, or an idiot or a moron, just that I am human and mistakes happen.  Still processing it in my mind, I have OCD about things and can't let it go, so going over and over in my head and having anxiety about it.  Took an anxiety pill (Clonazepam) to try and settle my nerves.  My therapist wants me to tell myself to shut up when these thoughts occur, but that did not happen today I literally beat myself up for a good portion of the day.  One was a mistake about meds for a boarding dog and the other was a s...

What a year this has been, with me going postal on my bipolar and not taking my meds, and then attempting suicide in August, it has been one adventure after another.  In a strange way I am grateful for my suicide attempt as it has gotten me on the path to recovery with my bipolar.  Instead of avoiding taking my pills as much as I can, I now have missed very few doses in the last 4 months which is really good.  I have regular visits with my counselor and psychiatrist to learn new methods and new coping skills on how to deal with being the bipolar girl I am. Without my experience in August that would have never happened.  It was the scary wake up call that I needed.  I am grateful for my family and especially for my husband who has been by my side through it all, he has been there through the dark and hard times, and is there through the happy and bright times.  He truly is a gem.  I love him so much and wouldn't be where I am today without him.

Today I met with my counselor.  We talked about the impending move and how I can use Cognitive Behavior Therapy to make it less stressful.  Talked about how anxiety tapping has helped me and talked about how I tend to internalize things instead of talking about them.  I do tend to do that, I make everything 'my fault' or negative self talking that I love to do so much.  Such as with this move, I keep telling myself we'll never get things done (2 weeks) as the house is a mess because I haven't cleaned it yet, instead of focusing on the awesomeness that we have already gotten accomplished.  We have been working in the basement and pretty much have one side of it done packed and garbage separated.....yes the other side is a lot bigger with all the stacks of everything but we have made loads of progress.  Today I emptied out a couple of tubs, packed up the closet and am working on the kitchen.  Things are going well and there is no need for me to feel an...

Today has been an awesome day. I went to church with my sister for the first time in a long long long time.  It felt good to be there.  We are moving to her house so this will be my ward/congregation that we will go to.  I felt very welcome and very 'at ease' in her ward/congregation.  Church is normally 3 hours but I only stayed for one, but I am going to go to the whole thing next week.  Then I came home and we worked on packing up the basement some more, and the cook books in the kitchen.  We need tons more boxes if we are going to move :-)  So that's my task for tomorrow to find boxes.  Hopefully the local grocery stores will have some. I am quite proud of us we have been throwing a lot of junk away, stuff that we haven't used in the 4 years we have lived here.  It feels good to downsize, but still have quite a bit to go.  Things are going well.  Rob has a 4 day weekend this week so he will be able to do some packing.  ...

Had an incredible visit with my counselor today.  I love how she just knows exactly what I need to hear.  We talked about my anxiety and she actually made me think of something that makes me anxious and got me all the way up to about an 8 being anxious about it, then talked about the EFT Tap method.  It is really cool.  Here is a video of it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxk7cVPEOXw Here it is: Step 1:  Locate the feeling in your body, give it a number on a scale of 0-10, label it (anxious, knots in stomach etc) Step 2:  Tap the side of your hand saying "Even though I have (anxiety, stress, etc), I totally and completely accept myself " Step 3:  Tapping:  7x each at the a) eyebrow b) crows feet c) under eye d) under nose  e) chin  f) collar bone g) arm pit  Step 4:  Tap at third eye, shut eyes, open eyes, keeping head straight look down to the right, then look down to the left, Hum (like oooooohhhhhhhhhmmmm...

In my search for cool quotes etc I came across this, and I totally love it.  I have a really hard time believing in myself, really hard accepting myself for who I am.  In partial hospitalization they told us to say positive affirmations in the mirror.  I really should follow their advice and start saying positive things to myself in the mirror.  Here are some things that I do Believe about myself: I am compassionate I am great with animals I am good at scrap booking I enjoy spending time with my husband I am a good groomer I enjoy making jewelry Things that I need to work on (things that people tell me) I am a Beautiful Child of God I am sexy (or so my husband tells me) I am pretty I have amazing curves I am smart So it looks like I have some 'affirmations' that I need to work on.  I will take it one day at a time and start telling myself that I am a beautiful powerful woman.  I've got to stop the negative self talk.

Today I met with my counselor.  It was a very emotional visit.  We talked about my issues with not being able to have a baby after trying for 7 years.  It makes me feel like I am a bad person who doesn't deserve to have children.  My counselor wants me to eliminate the word bad from my vocabulary as it is a judgement word.  We haven't seen a specialist yet, I keep hinting and bringing it up, but we have yet to have enough money for any fertility treatments.  My counselor suggested that we start putting a little away each paycheck for it.   Infertility hurts, it hurts so badly each month, and I have had a couple of dreams lately that I am pregnant.  My counselor interpreted it in a book by saying it could mean the 'newness' in my life (my journey to better emotional/mental health), or it could mean that I am literally pregnant.  Here is a little bit of what I found about it:  To dream that you are pregnant symbolizes an aspect ...

What an adventurous day.  Took my car to Big O Tires first thing this morning.  They tell me my flat isn't fixable and I need a new tire on my right front because the tire had a bubble in it....Qt'd my like $230 for 2 new tires, they don't have any 15's used as those aren't common tires....WTH?  So told them I couldn't afford it and was going to take my car back to Glens Tires.  So took my car to Robs work and took his car to work, then on my way home stopped and picked up my car, drove it 40mph to Glen's Tires who fixed the 2 holes in my tire for $15 and replaced the front tire as I had a 30 day warranty on it.  Woot Woot!  They just won our tire business for life.  Thank Heavens!  I still maintained my cool even though Big O tried to rip me off.  I love what my supplements/meds/therapy is doing for me!  I'm not an emotional basket case all the time, not crying more than smiling and able to maintain a cool/level head in an emergency,...

Met with the counselor today.  She was extremely helpful, we started on Cognitive Behavior Training and it was so helpful.  For those who don't know about 10+ years ago I was driving in a severe rain storm and was probably driving a little too fast, when a semi truck passed me in the fast lane and for whatever reason a sheet of water came down and slammed into my car and made me do a 180 on the road, my car stopped literally an inch from oncoming traffic.  SCARY.  Ever since them I have had extreme anxiety driving in the rain if I see semis.   Right after it happened I literally would pull off the side of the road if I saw a semi-truck coming up behind me.  I have done a little better recently with it.  My counselor made me realize that I have some PTSD regarding that incident.  I had an incident last week with Rob, we were driving in the rain, it was pounding down and I got a little anxious about it, and had to take an anxiety pill.  W...

I am reading a book "Too Soon Old Too Late Smart" by Gordon Livingston MD in one chapter he is talking about how he has people wanting to get medications.  Here is what he tells them:   The good news is that we have effective treatments for the symptoms of depression; the bad news is that medication will not make you happy.  Happiness is not simply the absence of despair.  It is an affirmative state in which our lives have both meaning and pleasure.   He goes on to say that Medication is seldom enough.  He says we are always talking about what we want, what we need, what we intend.  He goes on to say that These are dreams and wishes and are of little value in changing our mood.  Here is the profound part, we are not what we think or what we say, or how we feel.   We are what we do .  The 3 components of happiness are something to do, something to love, and something to look forward to.  Think about it if we have useful work, sustain...

Love this thought!  I have been battling with my depression forever, and feeling like crap forever, however I chose to finally admit it, accept it, and get the help that I need.  I am taking my pills EVERY day, twice a day, which is like a miracle, it's been almost a month that I have been taking them.....I'm so proud of myself.  It's quite the accomplishment.  Next week I will be picking up some more Neuroreplete....I will have actually gone through an entire bottle of it 240 capsules.... :-)  Woot Woot!  Go me!  SO this weekend we have a house guest....Annie she is a 10 & 1/2 year old pekingese. She is a retired AKC Champion and is from my friends line of pekingese.  She doesn't act like she is that old, she acts like a puppy, especially when squeaky toys are involved.  I will have to take a video as she is way darn cute with them.  We are thinking of adopting her into our family. So the book I am reading (The Feeling Good Ha...

I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUTURE MAY HOLD, BUT I KNOW WHO HOLDS THE FUTURE .   ~ Rev. Ralph Abernathy This quote came in my e-mail from FLYLady today.  I love it.  all it takes is that first step.  Whether it be the first step of getting help/counseling, the first step to a cleaner house etc. "To take the first step in faith, you don't have to see the whole staircase: just take the first step." Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.      Today I met with my counselor for the first time.  I was a little nervous, but I am so happy my insurance company found her for me.  She is going to be awesome.  She does the CBT (Cognitive Behavrior Therapy) You can learn more about it here:  http://www.nacbt.org/whatiscbt.htm   Which is something that I have been researching and have wanted to do.....like several months ago, but my procrastinating butt......didn't do anything about it.  She gave me some handouts, and I even hav...