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Letting Go

Today I met with my counselor.  It was a very emotional visit.  We talked about my issues with not being able to have a baby after trying for 7 years.  It makes me feel like I am a bad person who doesn't deserve to have children.  My counselor wants me to eliminate the word bad from my vocabulary as it is a judgement word.  We haven't seen a specialist yet, I keep hinting and bringing it up, but we have yet to have enough money for any fertility treatments.  My counselor suggested that we start putting a little away each paycheck for it.  

 Infertility hurts, it hurts so badly each month, and I have had a couple of dreams lately that I am pregnant.  My counselor interpreted it in a book by saying it could mean the 'newness' in my life (my journey to better emotional/mental health), or it could mean that I am literally pregnant.  Here is a little bit of what I found about it:  To dream that you are pregnant symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. Being pregnant in your dream may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal. Alternatively, if you are trying to get pregnant, then the dream may be a wish fulfillment. If you are not trying to get pregnant, but dream that you are, then it symbolizes fear of new responsibilities

We talked about ways I could let go and let God deal with it as well.  I really think that is what I honestly need to do, every time I hear of someone getting pregnant or having a baby, I go into a 'grieving' process of sorts.  I need to have faith that God knows and it will be on his time table not mine.  I need to have patience (which is NOT one of my finer attributes.).  She talked about saving up so we can go get checked out, and having Rob checked out first as it's usually cheaper to do it that way.  Definitely some things to discuss with Rob when he gets home tonight.

We talked about my upcoming surgery, she gave me the suggestion that if Rob is able to be in the room when I am waking up for him to give me 'suggestions' such as "You will wake up smoothly, you will heal quick and without incident' types of things.  She said there have been studies that it really helps. 

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