Shades of Sunshine

So I am doing really well at the moment.  I feel great, my self worth and self esteem is going up, I feel confident and am really happy at the moment.  I have been exercising every day since Friday.  I have been walking 2-3 miles per day.  It is really liberating and I feel great.  It helps my anxiety and helps me feel better about myself.  I am even walking in my leggings and going on busy roads, normally I choose roads that are less traveled so no one will stare at me and judge me....yeah I'm messed up to say the least.  I usually am very self conscious, I HATE my legs and still feel 'fat', even though I have lost 76# and 63".  I met with my psychiatrist last Friday.  Not sure how I like how the visit went.  I told her about my increased anxiety and she doesn't want to put me on anything for the anxiety just gave me some Klonopin for when the anxiety happens.  She wants me to work with my therapist on the Cognitive Behavior Ther...

This whole positive thinking and being nice to myself is NOT going to be easy.  Made a couple of stupid mistakes at work today and boy was I ever incredibly hard on myself.  I immediately started telling myself "you are such and idiot, you are so stupid, I can't believe you did that, what a moron you are".  I came home and bawled about it.  Why can't I just realize I am a human being and human beings make mistakes?  It doesn't mean I am stupid, or an idiot or a moron, just that I am human and mistakes happen.  Still processing it in my mind, I have OCD about things and can't let it go, so going over and over in my head and having anxiety about it.  Took an anxiety pill (Clonazepam) to try and settle my nerves.  My therapist wants me to tell myself to shut up when these thoughts occur, but that did not happen today I literally beat myself up for a good portion of the day.  One was a mistake about meds for a boarding dog and the other was a s...

I thought I would explain why I started this blog.  Back in August 2012 I took some sleeping pills and had to be rushed to the hospital by ambulance.  This was my wake up call to my bipolar disease needing regular treatment.  I felt inspired to share my journey with others in hopes that someone may benefit from my blog.  I wanted to help someone or people get the help they need or maybe inspire them to change the way things are going in their life.  It took a lot of guts for me to start this blog as in general I am a really private person, but I felt that others needed to hear my story, so that is how this blog came about.  I called it waiting for sunshine because in essence that is what I am waiting for in the ongoing treatment for my bipolar disease, the clouds to part and have a little sunshine in my life.  I am to that point where my life doesn't 'suck' as it did before I got back on meds and treatment with counseling and a psychiatrist etc....

 YAY!  We found me a car!  It's a 1997 Ford Taurus, it is a pale blue color.  It runs great so far and is a very nice ride, definitely has more power than my malibu 4 banger had :-).  Only one issue so far, I stopped at Maverik (gas station) to get a drink this morning and it wouldn't start when I went to leave.  Hubby thought it was a loose connection on the battery, so I wiggled the connections and it started.  I took it to Auto Zone and they said the battery is bad.  Rob thinks they were just trying to sell me a new battery.  Rob cleaned the contacts on it and added water to it, and it's working fine so far (fingers crossed it will keep working).  The car does have a dent in the drivers side rear door, but it's not that big.  Also have come to the conclusion that when I am super anxious about things I throw up.  :(  I was nervous about the car starting today when it was time to go home.  I tend to obsess over...

In case you didn't know I am a cheetah fanatic, one of my absolute dreams is to go to a place in Africa where you can lounge around with and pet Cheetahs.  Anyhow, my email addy is cprcheetah@comcast.net, and someone in my ward (congregation) asked me yesterday if I liked cheetahs and I said yes, he said that he had a picture he took in Tanzania when he was there last year that he would like to give to me.  He came by today to give it to me.  It is matted and will fit in a 12x16 frame.  What a nice gesture, it made my day.  How considerate of him. Today I feel a little bit happier I really am trying to be anyhow.  I had to go back to Hobby Lobby today to get a refund as the checker charged us $29.99 for something that only cost $2.99, it took 3 people 3 x of going through everything in my bag for them to figure out yep the cashier screwed up.  Why they don't have the electronic scanners I have no idea, but they manually input everything.  She ...

I was at walmart this morning when the gravity of what I did nearly 7 months ago hit me like a train wreck.  I started crying and just felt depressed about it.  Why was I so stupid?  What was I thinking?  It really hit me hard.  I can't believe I did that.  But at the same time, wow, what an eye opener it has proven to be.  It helped me seek the help that I was avoiding.  It was a mistake that will shape my life forever.  I am grateful that I was able to use it as a learning experience and that I was able to get the help that I so desperately needed.  I hated feeling the way I did about myself and just in general.  I was miserable and very unhappy. I snapped at my husband more often than not and put him through a living hell.  I am so sorry for that, it was not my intention to hurt him in any way, shape or form.  IT is hard to not let my past define me, but I am trying on a daily basis to learn from it and to press forwa...

I feel like I have fought hard to become a better me.  I am proud of who I am becoming.  And overall I think I am winning over my bipolar disorder at the moment.  I don't think I would be "Winning" if I wasn't following the things that I need to do, such as taking my medicine, visiting counselor and psychiatrist, and implementing the things that I have been taught.  I am grateful for all the tools that I have learned and glad that I have learned them.  I know that my anxiety is lessening as time goes on, but it also depends on my stress levels as well.  I have found a direct correlation to my anxiety and drinking soda though, if I drink a lot of soda in a day my anxiety skyrockets.  If I don't drink a lot of soda my anxiety is manageable.  Just have to limit my soda which is not an easy task for me, I am an addict plain and simple. We were/are supposed to be having some massive snow storm, so far it's left maybe 1", I am knocking on wood as I'...

Last night I went to see a movie with my sister, Silver Linings Playbook http://silverliningsplaybookmovie.com/   It was a great movie, it is about a Bipolar guy and how he meets a messed up girl and they change each other.  I laughed a lot during this movie.  I liked the fact that they made it 'real' like showed scenes of how a bipolar person can act a little crazy.  It was a great film, I give it 2 thumbs up.  Made me really think about finding the silver linings in things.  We also went out to eat before the movie at Red Lobster, I have never eaten there before, and I was impressed.  It was such good food, and the service was great. Today we had freezing rain, which doesn't happen very often here.  The roads were/are treacherous, it took my hubby over 2 hours to get to work (normally about 30-35 minutes) and he slid off and hit a curb and bent a rim (not good).  I'm grateful that he made it there safely though.  There were several...

Today I had court for the ticket I got for not having my car registered.  Holy cow it's a misdeameanor to do that...I did not know that and now have learned a valuable lesson, don't let your car get past due on the registration.  The judge was super nice, I was the only one that referred to him by "Your Honor" everyone else was like "Sir". I learned that from the clerk at the last ticket I got, that the judge is nicer if you respect him by dressing up and referring to him as Your Honor.  He reduced my fine since I brought proof that I had it taken care of from $40 to $30.  I thought that was nice of him as well as giving me until Friday (waiting till Rob gets paid on Thursday) to pay it.  This court experience was a whole lot different, last time I was an emotional mess, before, during and after.  I love how my pills make me calm and collected.  Was I nervous, you bet, but I didn't cry this time, and didn't have panic attack freak outs, so that was...

How true this is.   Yes I am on medications for my Bipolar, but I also have chosen to have a positive attitude, to not let it get me down, and to keep on trucking.  It has been hard, but I made the choice while I was laying in the hospital bed in August, that I wanted help, I wanted to change and I wanted to be better.  If I didn't have a positive attitude I don't think I would be anywhere near where I am in my recovery. So in today's session with my counselor we talked about exercise, I committed to exercising 1 mile 3x a week for 2 weeks, we shall see how that goes.  I was also challenged to have a 'gratitude' journal, to write down 3 things that I am grateful for each day, and it has to be different each day.  We shall see how that goes, what a challenge.  I am excited to see what I can come up with. Things I am grateful for today: 1-  My supportive husband 2-  Having a roof over our heads 3-  My animals. Tomorrow I have to go t...

The only difference between stumbling blocks and  stepping stones is the way in which we use them. (Unknown) Today was an okay day, again with the anxiety over getting my car registered, wasn't sure I'd get out of work in time to get it inspected as well as get up to the DMV to get it licensed.  Luckily I was able to do both, so that is one less thing to be anxious about today.  :-)  I did have anxiety driving in the snow though.  It's supposed to be a doozy of a storm.  Joyous.  I hate the snow, I live in the wrong state for someone who dislikes snow.  Oh well.  Right now I am warm and cozy in my comfy clothes, slipper socks and all, and warm in my house. I really like the quote above, as that is true, we can use stumbling blocks as stepping stones and get above the stumbling blocks.  It is our choice how we want to react to situations. I really needed to hear this as I am having the stumbling block ...

I really have felt lately that God has taught me how to fly with my disease.  Everyone always tells me that I am doing so well and they can't believe how quickly I bounced back from my suicide attempt.  Well I made the choice as I was in the hospital that I wanted  things to change, that I wanted  to get better, and that I wanted  to get the help that I needed.  I guess that was the lowest of low points in my life, and I am so grateful that God caught me and has led me to the counselor and people that I needed to see to get help.  Our insurance company was instrumental in getting me the help that I needed, and I am forever grateful for them. Today was a high anxiety day at work, I groomed 3 dogs for chronic complainers, no matter what their dogs never are like they want them.  They are extremely picky, the dogs hair cuts could be perfect and they will find something to complain about, however they rarely complain to me they complain to my boss...

As the year ends I have been reflecting upon the past year and what I have done and what I have been through.  I have decided that I must accept my past, accept my mistakes and look forward to the future.  I chose to attempt suicide in order to escape the pain that I was feeling, the pain of not being able to accept my short comings, and not being able to accept my bipolar condition and what it caused me to do and not do.  My poor husband put up with so much, it's no wonder he didn't leave me.  I truly have a gem of a husband.  He is so truly amazing it is hard to believe that he is mine forever.  He has put up with so much, yet has stuck by my side and continues to do so.  I wouldn't be any where near where I am in my recovery if it wasn't for him.  He has made sure I have all the tools necessary to heal, to move on and to take care of myself.  I love him to pieces and am forever grateful. Also as we look to the new year, I want to get b...

Can you spot the kitty?  For whatever reason I am feeling very 'clingy' today.  I am sitting here waiting for my honey to come home from work, and I looked over under the tree and saw my beautiful little Cedes just snoozing away. She has been very snuggly today .  I didn't have to go into work today except to feed the dogs, which doesn't take that long, so I went and got my christmas shopping done for my sweetheart.  I never know what to get him, well he always tells me he wants a helicopter about 1 week before christmas......if you want it for christmas you better let me know a little further ahead than that.  He loves the remote controlled helicopters. I went and saw my psychiatrist, I am concerned about my Zyprexa as it is making me crave carbohydrates like crazy, it's like if I don't get them I'll starve.  Also am having a massive acne outbreak which could be stress, but usually my outbreaks aren't this bad and last this long, even using medicate...

As I am on the road to recovery, this is something that I have to remember, it is a daily process, it isn't something that is going to happen overnight.      Every day I am using coping tools, and learning to let go of things that when I was "Bipolar Bitchy Heather" I would have not let them go.  I am using Cognitive Behavior Therapy to try and 're-train' my thought processes to more positive helpful ones instead of the negativity I am prone too. My animals make for great therapy.  Right now DeeJay my old lady kitty sitting in my lap.    They seem to know when I need extra loves, or just need to hear them purr, or get crazy Zoey (my chihuahua) kisses. On a positive note,  I have been doing a lot better anxiety wise since we have 'finalized' our move, and dealt with our previous landlord.  I haven't been near as anxious as I was, which is a good thing.

Today I met with my counselor, she did something I thought was very interesting.  She got some playing cards out and had me identify several positive attributes that I have so I could learn how to 'own' them.  Just as this is a winning hand in poker, I can help my confidence levels by 'owning' my traits or characteristics.  I had a hard time defining attributes that I have as I'm just not a confident person.  Here's what we came up with that are my strongest attributes when I am stressed, what she did was write each attribute on the playing card so I can remember my own winning hand Ace:  Dependable (I do what I say I am going to do) King: Resourceful (if I don't know the answer I research it until I do) Queen:  Stick to it (generally I see things through the end) Jack: Compassion (I have strong compassion for both people and animals) 10: Knowledgeable (I know a lot about animals and other subjects) Then I had to go through and 'own' each on ...

I have noticed this is true.  I have changed one thing this week....I have shined my sink for 5 days in a row now, and it's becoming a habit to make sure the counters (the 3 that are cleaned off) remain cleaned off.  I am quite proud of myself, housework has never been easy for me.  But I want to make it a habit, want to continue following FlyLady  and her techniques.  Hopefully I will be able to get my house under control once more.   I am quite proud of the fact that I have been doing this.  Also working on Mt Washmore in my basement....trying to do 1 load per day.  Slowly but surely I'll get there. Looking back on the last 3 months, I've had my ups, I've had my downs, the important part is that I am still here, that I am still wanting to recover that I am still plugging along day by day, working to become a better me.  I see my therapist every other week, she really truly 'gets' me and I am grateful for that as she always seems to know...

Had an incredible visit with my counselor today.  I love how she just knows exactly what I need to hear.  We talked about my anxiety and she actually made me think of something that makes me anxious and got me all the way up to about an 8 being anxious about it, then talked about the EFT Tap method.  It is really cool.  Here is a video of it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxk7cVPEOXw Here it is: Step 1:  Locate the feeling in your body, give it a number on a scale of 0-10, label it (anxious, knots in stomach etc) Step 2:  Tap the side of your hand saying "Even though I have (anxiety, stress, etc), I totally and completely accept myself " Step 3:  Tapping:  7x each at the a) eyebrow b) crows feet c) under eye d) under nose  e) chin  f) collar bone g) arm pit  Step 4:  Tap at third eye, shut eyes, open eyes, keeping head straight look down to the right, then look down to the left, Hum (like oooooohhhhhhhhhmmmm...

I know I refer back to my partial hospitalization a lot, but that experience taught me so much.  It taught me to hope for a better future.  Taught me coping skills, taught me how to take things with a grain of salt.  It taught me (from listening to others) that I may have been through hell, but there are others out there just like me who have been through what I've been through or are going through it now.  I made the conscious decision to change my life.  I was scared pretty bad to go to partial hospitalization, thought they would want to keep me and lock the door and throw away the key.  It was so out of my 'realm'.  I am such an extremely shy person so having to spend the day with complete strangers was a bit out of my comfort zone....But what I learned from them has been invaluable.  I even managed to learn from a negative nancy who had already made the decision she wasn't going to live past October, that regardless of how bad things are, so...

As I get better and better as far as moods, and functionality go, I can see the light at the end of my tunnel.  A couple of months ago when I was beyond depressed and full of despair I wasn't sure there was a light at the end of the tunnel.  But the more and more I take my meds, have therapy and coping skills the more I see it is a big light :-)  My relationship with my husband is improving, things are definitely getting better between us.  YEAH!  I still cannot believe I almost lost the most important thing in my life....my husband.  Just goes to show what a horrible awful disease Bipolar is and how it can destroy those you care about when you don't have meds/therapy etc to have it taken care of. Today I did something good/kind for my oldest sister Lara.  She has a Skype job interview on Monday (we live in Utah and the job is in Dallas, Texas.  She wasn't quite sure how to use it etc, so I helped her get things set up and we used it a couple ...