Shades of Sunshine

My name is Heather.   This post is going to be true and honesty and real and have to (too much information) .... So stop reading of you don't want to hear about it.   My name is Heather and I have an eating disorder.   I am a binge eater,  I am Bipolar,  have generalized anxiety disorder,  obsessive compulsive disorder and chronic daily migraines.  Hubby and I were eating Tortilla chips and salsa this afternoon and before long I had consumed most of a bag by myself.   Hubby casually asked if I had saved him anything but the crumbs.   Wow I really did that....... Yep that's me.   I have been eating donuts like crazy lately (every morning) and over eating.   I have lost about 80 pounds but the rate I am going I am gonna gain it all back.   We are trying to conceive and are staying fertility treatments and the wait for testing is gonna kill me.   I am supposed to start my perio...

Hello there, I met with my counselor today, we went over my 'letter' (she had me write a letter to someone explaining their effects on me, not going to give the letter to the person though).  Any how then we were talking about how I'm doing.  I told her that I have been depressed about the car accident, even though it wasn't my fault I still felt guilt and shame for it because we had to scrimp and not pay bills so we could get me a cheapie car (we paid $850 for it).  It really made things hard on us this month.  Then I feel depressed about my job, I am not even making minimum wage (on commission), so that's making things difficult to pay bills etc.  My counselor said it wasn't depression just life's events.  I don't agree with that I have had suicide ideations and been mega down in the dumps.  I think that qualifies as depression.  I told her that I thought I needed an increase in my anti-depressant or a different one.  Again she disagreed ...

So I had an eye opening experience today.  My bishop (clergy) called both my husband and I into his office today, I thought for sure that it was to give us a calling (job in the church).  Boy was I wrong.  The bishop noticed that I was sad recently and wanted to know what he could do to help me.  My husband after he met with the bishop (we met individually) asked me if I had been taking my pills as for the last month I have been down, depressed and negative.  I have not missed one dose of medications that I can promise.  I am about out of my 3 month supply and will need more soon.  I guess that since my hubby and my bishop have noticed that I must seem sad.  I am a very shy withdrawn person and keep to myself in public places, I have met a few people in the congregation but I am not one to go up and talk to people.  In fact this week the Relief Society (women's group) had an activity and I didn't go because I didn't want to go by myself. ...

So today made day 4 that I have exercised in a row!  Woot Woot!  I feel so much better, yes my joints cry as I exercise but it seems to be getting easier/better.  My goal is to walk 2 miles (Walk At Home DVD's) every day.  I have lost 5.6# in the last month and know that most of it has come off this week, that is even with me eating out and eating popcorn last night.  My dear sister Jen and I went and saw Identity Thief last night, and then went to Applebee's for dinner, it was yummy and the show was hilarious with an awesome ending. Today is valentines day, my hubby and I don't normally celebrate it overly much other than just saying Happy Valentines Day to each other.  We are going to go out to eat at 5 Guys Burgers N Fries as soon as my hubby gets home from work.  My dad is having hernia surgery tomorrow.  I am having some anxiety about it as he is almost 70 years old.  I love my dad to pieces and am praying and wishing for the best po...

Last night I went to see a movie with my sister, Silver Linings Playbook http://silverliningsplaybookmovie.com/   It was a great movie, it is about a Bipolar guy and how he meets a messed up girl and they change each other.  I laughed a lot during this movie.  I liked the fact that they made it 'real' like showed scenes of how a bipolar person can act a little crazy.  It was a great film, I give it 2 thumbs up.  Made me really think about finding the silver linings in things.  We also went out to eat before the movie at Red Lobster, I have never eaten there before, and I was impressed.  It was such good food, and the service was great. Today we had freezing rain, which doesn't happen very often here.  The roads were/are treacherous, it took my hubby over 2 hours to get to work (normally about 30-35 minutes) and he slid off and hit a curb and bent a rim (not good).  I'm grateful that he made it there safely though.  There were several...

Today I had court for the ticket I got for not having my car registered.  Holy cow it's a misdeameanor to do that...I did not know that and now have learned a valuable lesson, don't let your car get past due on the registration.  The judge was super nice, I was the only one that referred to him by "Your Honor" everyone else was like "Sir". I learned that from the clerk at the last ticket I got, that the judge is nicer if you respect him by dressing up and referring to him as Your Honor.  He reduced my fine since I brought proof that I had it taken care of from $40 to $30.  I thought that was nice of him as well as giving me until Friday (waiting till Rob gets paid on Thursday) to pay it.  This court experience was a whole lot different, last time I was an emotional mess, before, during and after.  I love how my pills make me calm and collected.  Was I nervous, you bet, but I didn't cry this time, and didn't have panic attack freak outs, so that was...

How true this is.   Yes I am on medications for my Bipolar, but I also have chosen to have a positive attitude, to not let it get me down, and to keep on trucking.  It has been hard, but I made the choice while I was laying in the hospital bed in August, that I wanted help, I wanted to change and I wanted to be better.  If I didn't have a positive attitude I don't think I would be anywhere near where I am in my recovery. So in today's session with my counselor we talked about exercise, I committed to exercising 1 mile 3x a week for 2 weeks, we shall see how that goes.  I was also challenged to have a 'gratitude' journal, to write down 3 things that I am grateful for each day, and it has to be different each day.  We shall see how that goes, what a challenge.  I am excited to see what I can come up with. Things I am grateful for today: 1-  My supportive husband 2-  Having a roof over our heads 3-  My animals. Tomorrow I have to go t...

The only difference between stumbling blocks and  stepping stones is the way in which we use them. (Unknown) Today was an okay day, again with the anxiety over getting my car registered, wasn't sure I'd get out of work in time to get it inspected as well as get up to the DMV to get it licensed.  Luckily I was able to do both, so that is one less thing to be anxious about today.  :-)  I did have anxiety driving in the snow though.  It's supposed to be a doozy of a storm.  Joyous.  I hate the snow, I live in the wrong state for someone who dislikes snow.  Oh well.  Right now I am warm and cozy in my comfy clothes, slipper socks and all, and warm in my house. I really like the quote above, as that is true, we can use stumbling blocks as stepping stones and get above the stumbling blocks.  It is our choice how we want to react to situations. I really needed to hear this as I am having the stumbling block ...

As the year ends I have been reflecting upon the past year and what I have done and what I have been through.  I have decided that I must accept my past, accept my mistakes and look forward to the future.  I chose to attempt suicide in order to escape the pain that I was feeling, the pain of not being able to accept my short comings, and not being able to accept my bipolar condition and what it caused me to do and not do.  My poor husband put up with so much, it's no wonder he didn't leave me.  I truly have a gem of a husband.  He is so truly amazing it is hard to believe that he is mine forever.  He has put up with so much, yet has stuck by my side and continues to do so.  I wouldn't be any where near where I am in my recovery if it wasn't for him.  He has made sure I have all the tools necessary to heal, to move on and to take care of myself.  I love him to pieces and am forever grateful. Also as we look to the new year, I want to get b...

As I am on the road to recovery, this is something that I have to remember, it is a daily process, it isn't something that is going to happen overnight.      Every day I am using coping tools, and learning to let go of things that when I was "Bipolar Bitchy Heather" I would have not let them go.  I am using Cognitive Behavior Therapy to try and 're-train' my thought processes to more positive helpful ones instead of the negativity I am prone too. My animals make for great therapy.  Right now DeeJay my old lady kitty sitting in my lap.    They seem to know when I need extra loves, or just need to hear them purr, or get crazy Zoey (my chihuahua) kisses. On a positive note,  I have been doing a lot better anxiety wise since we have 'finalized' our move, and dealt with our previous landlord.  I haven't been near as anxious as I was, which is a good thing.

Going through stuff as we pack/move and I just found a journal entry from 1992 where I talked about suicide.  I was mad because my brothers got away with murder and I was always in trouble for things that they did, like teasing me etc What a petty reason to think of suicide....so glad that I never acted on it back then.   I was not officially diagnosed with bipolar until the year 1996.  But WOW what a wake up call.  Kind of sad as I was only in Jr High at the time I wrote it.  Makes me realize that I have had issues longer than I remember. We are moving and packing and going through lots of junk, we have thrown away a lot of stuff (am embarrassed to say 4 truck-fulls so far....just one layer deep but wow we just have accumulated and saved stuff that we aren't going to do anything with or haven't used in 4 years.  I am super excited that we will have garbage cans right outside our front door, so we won't have to let the garbage stack up.  And no the...

I found something I thought I would give a try,  it's called 100 Questions and I found it here:  Sunday Stealing !  I kind of am jumping in in the middle of it, but here you go:  Get to know me a little better Part 3: Past 34. What do you consider the most important event of your life so far?  I would consider the day that I married my husband for time and all eternity the GREATEST and MOST important event of my life time. 35. What do you consider your greatest achievement? My greatest achievement...hmm that is a tough one, I would say that right now my greatest achievement is the fact that I am alive, that I am on the path to recovery and that I am getting the help that I need 36. What is your greatest regret?  The fact that I let myself go as far as my bipolar goes for 2 years, I really wish I could have a do-over, that I could make things that I did disappear and not happen. 37. What is the most evil thing you have ever done?  Seri...

So have been riding a bit of a roller coaster the past few days.  Crying for no reason okay not really no reason, just not 'good' reasons.  I think I must have jinxed myself about my time of the month.  Rob has been awesome as usual. Last night we sat together we sat together at our kitchen table and made jewelry.  I think part of it was triggered by my lawyer calling me telling me what the trustee's need before I go back to court for my case next week.  Kind of got me a little anxious.  They are wanting our first and last born child I swear.  This is in regards to my bankruptcy case.  They are hung up on the fact that we are an above median income case yet have no money......well when you spend $500 a month in medications and supplements (yep I added it up and that's how much it is).......and have to eat gluten and sugar free which is not cheap it doesn't make having money very easy.    So trying not to let things overwhelm me. ...

Met with the counselor today.  She was extremely helpful, we started on Cognitive Behavior Training and it was so helpful.  For those who don't know about 10+ years ago I was driving in a severe rain storm and was probably driving a little too fast, when a semi truck passed me in the fast lane and for whatever reason a sheet of water came down and slammed into my car and made me do a 180 on the road, my car stopped literally an inch from oncoming traffic.  SCARY.  Ever since them I have had extreme anxiety driving in the rain if I see semis.   Right after it happened I literally would pull off the side of the road if I saw a semi-truck coming up behind me.  I have done a little better recently with it.  My counselor made me realize that I have some PTSD regarding that incident.  I had an incident last week with Rob, we were driving in the rain, it was pounding down and I got a little anxious about it, and had to take an anxiety pill.  W...

I am reading a book "Too Soon Old Too Late Smart" by Gordon Livingston MD in one chapter he is talking about how he has people wanting to get medications.  Here is what he tells them:   The good news is that we have effective treatments for the symptoms of depression; the bad news is that medication will not make you happy.  Happiness is not simply the absence of despair.  It is an affirmative state in which our lives have both meaning and pleasure.   He goes on to say that Medication is seldom enough.  He says we are always talking about what we want, what we need, what we intend.  He goes on to say that These are dreams and wishes and are of little value in changing our mood.  Here is the profound part, we are not what we think or what we say, or how we feel.   We are what we do .  The 3 components of happiness are something to do, something to love, and something to look forward to.  Think about it if we have useful work, sustain...

Just like You wouldn't drink toilet bowl cleaner as it's toxic, you shouldn't allow 'toxic' people or places into your lives to destroy your thoughts.  I had a previous co-worker contact me yesterday, and I got in a bad place (vengeance, he deserves this or that, he needs to go down, I hate etc) and it took Rob bringing me out a container of toilet bowl cleaner and telling me to drink it, to open my eyes and realize how toxic this girl is.  She got one of my friends fired from the vet, as well as she set up someone by leading them on etc.....any how, I was texting her back and forth last night, but Rob made me realize that she was making me not be the person I am.  She has that effect on people.  So I made a pro-active step and blocked her number out of my phone.  Her problems are her problems, she made her bed the way she wanted it, she has to deal with it and lie in it.  All the bad feelings she brought back up to the surface are definitely something I ...

So today I was thinking about having the right tools for my job (I'm a pet groomer) and I don't know how I ever groomed for so long without my groomers helper.  It saved me again from getting bit by 2 Lhasa Apsos today (Lhasa's are known for their stubbornness and dislike of grooming).  It is so helpful.  It got me to thinking about how I need to have the right tools to control my disease.  I have all (okay most) of the right tools for my career such as clippers, blades, scissors, combs etc, why not make sure I have all the right tools for my condition? Here are my list of tools: 1-  Supplements (Neuroreplete, L-Theanine, L-Methionine, Lithium & Trace Minerals).  Why am I putting these as my #1 tool?  Because I honestly believe they are making the biggest difference. 2-  Medications (Zydas Zyprexa, Wellbutrin--weaning off, Seroquel and Trazadone), yep I'm on the big guns right now, but I visit with my shrink next week so we shall see wh...

So today was my first day back at work, and boy was it a busy day.  Thanks to Jen (my sister) for coming in and helping me.  We groomed 7 Shih Tzu's, Bathed and Tidy on 1, and 1 show shih tzu bath/brushout....then I fed and changed pads on the shop dogs.  I am very proud of myself as I killed a HUGE (50cent piece sized) wolf spider today.....crushed it with a dog food bowl lol!  A Magical Fairy delivered some awesome stuff for me at work today......A Groomers Helper (have been wanting one forever), which is basically a 'safety' tether that keeps dogs from walking/wandering all over the table, and saved me from getting bit today when I was trimming nails....woot woot!  Then Jen got a free pair stainless steel comb blades for the cordless clippers, she already had some so she gave them to me....AWESOME!  The cordless clippers can get in legs and such much easier, so it's going to make grooming that much easier.  So today went very well, no panicking be...