This was written in August 2012:
My husband says I am an excellent blogger, and at one time when I was functional I was. So I decided to write a blog about my road to recovery. My name is Heather, I am 34 years old and I am Bipolar. I was diagnosed as bipolar when I was 18 years old in 1996. I have been on medication since then, and for the past year or two have not been taking my medications like I should, I do off and on, but a 3 month supply of pills has lasted me 2 years. My poor sweet husband has had to deal with me, had to deal with my mood swings, my getting upset for no reason, my lack of functionality et all. He is the most amazing husband and I owe him an apology for having to deal with me. The past few months I am sure have not been easy for him. I have quit responding/feeling anything sexual which is an awful thing as I love intimacy (I take after my dad lol), I do not think my house has been clean in over a year :-( Again, part of my non-functionality. I do GREAT at work, and outside the home, can clean elsewhere like nobody elses business.....however once I get inside the home I have a very hard time with it.
A few months ago I was involved in a selling Jewelry, and things spiraled out of control because of my BP, and I ended up getting us in a lot of financial trouble, to the point that the only way out of it is declaring CH 13 bankruptcy. I did some things I am not proud of, but that is between my husband and I, so we discussed things and he/we decided that part of my punishment would be I needed to get the house clean ASAP.....that was 2-3 months ago....and hasn't happened yet. I have mad progress here and there, but it hasn't happened. Of course he is upset about that, and says things (which because of my skewed bipolar thinking I took wrong), which make me feel like I am a horrible, awful person (again the BP speaking), that I am worthless etc. Heck he couldn't even tell me how to cook something or tell me that I added too much garlic to the potatoes without making me flip my handle. When what he was saying wasn't meant to be a criticism just a helpful suggestion. I feel like an incredibly awful person because I am fat, lazy, can't clean to save my life, spend too much money....etc. I had a VERY extremely stressful job at a Vet Clinic, there was way too much drama, way too much inappropriate things going on and just too much stress. Luckily I quit that job about a month ago when an opportunity came up for me to go back to grooming full time. I couldn't be happier in my job!
Come the latest experience. I am usually a VERY private person about things this personal and don't like to share, but I am hoping my experience may help someone else. My husband was in the kitchen and came up behind me and was touching/nuzzling me, and I didn't react..he commented "see you don't react, I used to touch you like this and you'd react", he was busy playing games with his brother online, and I was stewing, getting more upset, and just feeling like shit, I couldn't respond to my husband physically, I just couldn't, I wanted to, I love that man more than life itself, but I have been feeling like a horrible, awful person for the money situation and for the house not being clean, I am emotionally exhausted. So I typed him a note (no it wasn't a suicide note, it was just a note to explain how I was feeling, why I wasn't responding to him sexually, as I felt like a horrible awful person), and he knew something was wrong so he asked me, I handed him the note, then I proceeded to go upstairs for a while, and went to the kitchen, then went back upstairs, there were Walmart Sleep Aids on the counter in the bathroom, and the BAD little voice in my head said "go ahead and take them, no one would miss you", so I did, I took a handful. I went back downstairs and did some more dishes, was so tired, I laid down on the hall floor for a few minutes, then I started going into panic mode. I was going to come and ask my husband for a Priesthood Blessing, but I could barely stand by that point and I collapsed in his arms and went into my hysterical panic attack fits. He was immediate into panic mode, and got it out of me that I had taken some pills, he told his brother he had to go that I had OD'd and immediately called 911. I could barely stand up, but in my 'panic' I couldn't have the police etc in my house in the condition it was in, so I had Rob take me to the front porch where I collapsed, was having a panic attack etc, couldn't breath. Rob maintained his cool pretty well. Finally the ambulance came, they talked to me, and they got me into the ambulance. I would like to beat the paramedic who 'attempted' to hit a vein, even in my delirium, that was the MOST painful experience I have ever had, he tried 4 times on my hand and EACH time if felt like he was hitting the BONE!
At the hospital, I was worried Rob would be mad at me and not come, I was so worried, I was very dopey, and drowsy etc. They finally came in and told me that there were 2 gentlemen out in the lobby, one was my hubby and they didn't know who the other was, I agreed to have my hubby come back, but wasn't sure who the other guy was (it was my brother in law Jim, he raced out as soon as my hubby told him I'd Overdose), I feel bad for not letting him come back now that I know who it was. My husband called my parents but was so upset he didn't really tell them how I was etc, they thought I could have been dead. They along with my oldest sister Lara, came out to see me at the hospital.
The whole hospital experience wasn't one that I was overly impressed with, they didn't give me anything, the did do an ekg as my heart rate was very fast, as well as I had high blood pressure, but that's about it other than observing me for 8 hours. They had a social worker come and talk to me, and he gave me the name of a book "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David D. Burns, and gave me the number of the crisis line. That was it, the CNA who was talking to me about the Doterra Oils that would benefit me was more helpful.
My dear sweet hubby was by my side, and I am SO SO SO sorry that I made him feel like I wanted to leave him, I DO NOT, I was just in such a dark place, and had such bad feelings because of the depression, I love him with all of my heart and NEVER want to lose him.
So this is my journey on my road to recovery.....read on.......
Here is my story in more depth (my autobiography) http://waiting4sunshine.blogspot.com/2012/08/getting-it-out-there.html
My husband says I am an excellent blogger, and at one time when I was functional I was. So I decided to write a blog about my road to recovery. My name is Heather, I am 34 years old and I am Bipolar. I was diagnosed as bipolar when I was 18 years old in 1996. I have been on medication since then, and for the past year or two have not been taking my medications like I should, I do off and on, but a 3 month supply of pills has lasted me 2 years. My poor sweet husband has had to deal with me, had to deal with my mood swings, my getting upset for no reason, my lack of functionality et all. He is the most amazing husband and I owe him an apology for having to deal with me. The past few months I am sure have not been easy for him. I have quit responding/feeling anything sexual which is an awful thing as I love intimacy (I take after my dad lol), I do not think my house has been clean in over a year :-( Again, part of my non-functionality. I do GREAT at work, and outside the home, can clean elsewhere like nobody elses business.....however once I get inside the home I have a very hard time with it.
A few months ago I was involved in a selling Jewelry, and things spiraled out of control because of my BP, and I ended up getting us in a lot of financial trouble, to the point that the only way out of it is declaring CH 13 bankruptcy. I did some things I am not proud of, but that is between my husband and I, so we discussed things and he/we decided that part of my punishment would be I needed to get the house clean ASAP.....that was 2-3 months ago....and hasn't happened yet. I have mad progress here and there, but it hasn't happened. Of course he is upset about that, and says things (which because of my skewed bipolar thinking I took wrong), which make me feel like I am a horrible, awful person (again the BP speaking), that I am worthless etc. Heck he couldn't even tell me how to cook something or tell me that I added too much garlic to the potatoes without making me flip my handle. When what he was saying wasn't meant to be a criticism just a helpful suggestion. I feel like an incredibly awful person because I am fat, lazy, can't clean to save my life, spend too much money....etc. I had a VERY extremely stressful job at a Vet Clinic, there was way too much drama, way too much inappropriate things going on and just too much stress. Luckily I quit that job about a month ago when an opportunity came up for me to go back to grooming full time. I couldn't be happier in my job!
Come the latest experience. I am usually a VERY private person about things this personal and don't like to share, but I am hoping my experience may help someone else. My husband was in the kitchen and came up behind me and was touching/nuzzling me, and I didn't react..he commented "see you don't react, I used to touch you like this and you'd react", he was busy playing games with his brother online, and I was stewing, getting more upset, and just feeling like shit, I couldn't respond to my husband physically, I just couldn't, I wanted to, I love that man more than life itself, but I have been feeling like a horrible, awful person for the money situation and for the house not being clean, I am emotionally exhausted. So I typed him a note (no it wasn't a suicide note, it was just a note to explain how I was feeling, why I wasn't responding to him sexually, as I felt like a horrible awful person), and he knew something was wrong so he asked me, I handed him the note, then I proceeded to go upstairs for a while, and went to the kitchen, then went back upstairs, there were Walmart Sleep Aids on the counter in the bathroom, and the BAD little voice in my head said "go ahead and take them, no one would miss you", so I did, I took a handful. I went back downstairs and did some more dishes, was so tired, I laid down on the hall floor for a few minutes, then I started going into panic mode. I was going to come and ask my husband for a Priesthood Blessing, but I could barely stand by that point and I collapsed in his arms and went into my hysterical panic attack fits. He was immediate into panic mode, and got it out of me that I had taken some pills, he told his brother he had to go that I had OD'd and immediately called 911. I could barely stand up, but in my 'panic' I couldn't have the police etc in my house in the condition it was in, so I had Rob take me to the front porch where I collapsed, was having a panic attack etc, couldn't breath. Rob maintained his cool pretty well. Finally the ambulance came, they talked to me, and they got me into the ambulance. I would like to beat the paramedic who 'attempted' to hit a vein, even in my delirium, that was the MOST painful experience I have ever had, he tried 4 times on my hand and EACH time if felt like he was hitting the BONE!
At the hospital, I was worried Rob would be mad at me and not come, I was so worried, I was very dopey, and drowsy etc. They finally came in and told me that there were 2 gentlemen out in the lobby, one was my hubby and they didn't know who the other was, I agreed to have my hubby come back, but wasn't sure who the other guy was (it was my brother in law Jim, he raced out as soon as my hubby told him I'd Overdose), I feel bad for not letting him come back now that I know who it was. My husband called my parents but was so upset he didn't really tell them how I was etc, they thought I could have been dead. They along with my oldest sister Lara, came out to see me at the hospital.
The whole hospital experience wasn't one that I was overly impressed with, they didn't give me anything, the did do an ekg as my heart rate was very fast, as well as I had high blood pressure, but that's about it other than observing me for 8 hours. They had a social worker come and talk to me, and he gave me the name of a book "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David D. Burns, and gave me the number of the crisis line. That was it, the CNA who was talking to me about the Doterra Oils that would benefit me was more helpful.
My dear sweet hubby was by my side, and I am SO SO SO sorry that I made him feel like I wanted to leave him, I DO NOT, I was just in such a dark place, and had such bad feelings because of the depression, I love him with all of my heart and NEVER want to lose him.
So this is my journey on my road to recovery.....read on.......
Here is my story in more depth (my autobiography) http://waiting4sunshine.blogspot.com/2012/08/getting-it-out-there.html
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