Shades of Sunshine

So things seem to be improving.   I was quite depressed this last weekend over something that happened at work.  It was no big deal but my bipolar brain turns little things into mountains.   So my hubby helped me through it.   He even cried with me because I was being it made him hurt too.  He also had me scream my frustrations out. I discussed it with my therapist and we came up with an emergency plan for when I start feeling depressed.   Sort of like an emergency exit plan for a fire still at a children's school type of thing.   I think it's a good idea.   Rob and I silly have to tweak it and make sure it is things that I can do.   I really think it will take my mind off my depression issues if I follow my emergency plan. I am really trying to be better about things and really getting to be happier at home so I am not constantly ripping my hubbies head off.   I want or relationship to improve....

This whole positive thinking and being nice to myself is NOT going to be easy.  Made a couple of stupid mistakes at work today and boy was I ever incredibly hard on myself.  I immediately started telling myself "you are such and idiot, you are so stupid, I can't believe you did that, what a moron you are".  I came home and bawled about it.  Why can't I just realize I am a human being and human beings make mistakes?  It doesn't mean I am stupid, or an idiot or a moron, just that I am human and mistakes happen.  Still processing it in my mind, I have OCD about things and can't let it go, so going over and over in my head and having anxiety about it.  Took an anxiety pill (Clonazepam) to try and settle my nerves.  My therapist wants me to tell myself to shut up when these thoughts occur, but that did not happen today I literally beat myself up for a good portion of the day.  One was a mistake about meds for a boarding dog and the other was a s...

So I have been having some experiences at work while training the new girl that clearly is telling me I am a a control freak and have some OCD issues going on.  I already knew about the OCD but didn't realize how it affects me.  I was given a scanning project at work and have asked the new girl to assist me, well you can only scan from the computer I usually sit at so I switched computers and used the one on the right for 1/2 a day and OMG it literally drove me half crazy.  It wasn't 'my' computer, seriously I went nuts lol.  There have been other things as well.  I have a nightly routine that I have of having to check the stove, oven and back door about 2 or 3 times before I go to bed, I will literally get out of bed after I am strapped in (I use a CPAP mask at night) to go check.  I also check my alarm clock on my phone about 3 times as well before I go to bed.  I get paranoid that I will forget it and sleep in or be late for work.  At work I h...

Sorry I haven't written for a few days, have been in a bit of a funk.  On a positive note hubby said I have been laughing a lot more at TV shows and such more than he has seen me laugh in years, so I must be feeling somewhat better. I met with my counselor today and we spent the majority of the time discussing my relationship with my husband.  We have a pretty good relationship for the most part, but as with anything there is room for improvement.  One thing that the counselor talked about was making sure each of our needs were being met.  He compared it to the daily food pyramid.  So my assignment for the week was to find 5 different things that I need from my husband each day and 5 different things that he needs from me each day, and it can't be like 1 serving of hugs, it has to be significant such as 7-8 servings of physical contact.  It's going to be hard to think of some good needs.  I will always go for more physical contact, I love being tou...