So I have been having some experiences at work while training the new girl that clearly is telling me I am a a control freak and have some OCD issues going on. I already knew about the OCD but didn't realize how it affects me. I was given a scanning project at work and have asked the new girl to assist me, well you can only scan from the computer I usually sit at so I switched computers and used the one on the right for 1/2 a day and OMG it literally drove me half crazy. It wasn't 'my' computer, seriously I went nuts lol. There have been other things as well. I have a nightly routine that I have of having to check the stove, oven and back door about 2 or 3 times before I go to bed, I will literally get out of bed after I am strapped in (I use a CPAP mask at night) to go check. I also check my alarm clock on my phone about 3 times as well before I go to bed. I get paranoid that I will forget it and sleep in or be late for work. At work I have to check the front door that it is locked 2 or 3 times before I leave, I have gone out to my car and come back inside to check it before. I am going to see my psychiatrist in the next hour so I will discuss some of this with her. 
On the headache front, I have been doing somewhat better. I have been experiencing more neck pain though since about Friday. It's been about a 5. I saw the chiropractor today and they said if it is still bad to see them a 2nd time this week, so we shall see how it is. I figured out one of my MAJOR headache triggers was the black tea I was drinking every morning on my way to work. I was getting a headache literally at 2pm. I cut out the tea and now have been getting the headaches at 5 or 6 pm when I leave work and the car lights trigger the headaches. However the headaches have not been as severe so that is good news.
So just got back from the psychiatrist and told her of the rage I had been experiencing, she said that rage is a normal emotion everybody has it, I just need to not act on it (yelling etc). She wants me to start practicing mindfullness by watching incense (can't use due to hubby's asthma) or a candle burn for 5-10 minutes a day. She said this will help me gain control of my emotions. She also said that if the neurologist increases my Topomax that will help 'calm' me and help calm my emotions down a step or two. I did finally get a hold of the Neurologists Medical Assistant and will be increasing my Topomax to 75mg (am on 50mg) a day. Maybe the increased dose will help me lose more weight as I've been fluctuating +/- 10# in the last month or so and can't seem to break out of the 150's......granted I haven't been as good about exercising and my eating has been a little out of control, but I am re-committed and am going to get there.
Oh boy, now I'm in trouble. Today at the therapist we talked about my self esteem (not the greatest in the world), I am REALLY good at beating myself up over every little thing and hardly ever nice to myself. We talked about David Burns 10 Forms of Twisted Thinking. I didn't even realize I was doing it but every time he paid me a compliment I subtley (sp?) shook my head. YIKES. So I have a new assignment this week to tell myself 4 times a day something nice about myself, looking in the mirror or otherwise. We are going to work on my self esteem and me being so critical of myself. I tend to make my mistakes huge when I think they make me a bad person, it's more like I did a bad thing but that doesn't make me a bad person. He told me bad people do horrible things all the time like murder, cheat, lie, steal etc. He said my criticism's of myself are like taking a 2x4 and whacking myself in the head. Which makes sense as they hurt me every time I do it. We are also going to try and work on my negativity which is NOT going to be an easy task. But I am going to give it all my best, I want to get better, I want to learn to love myself for who I am. I want to see myself as beautiful and all that jazz. I want to see that I have lost 70# and 60 inches and that is freaking amazing and not an easy feat. Yes I still want to lose weight but I am so close to a 'normal' BMI, I should be proud of that fact. I do really like this therapist a lot better than the last one I saw. This one seems to know exactly what I need to hear and work on. So with that, my one nice thing to say to myself is that I am a dedicated hard worker.
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