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Making progress

So things seem to be improving.   I was quite depressed this last weekend over something that happened at work.  It was no big deal but my bipolar brain turns little things into mountains.   So my hubby helped me through it.   He even cried with me because I was being it made him hurt too.  He also had me scream my frustrations out. I discussed it with my therapist and we came up with an emergency plan for when I start feeling depressed.   Sort of like an emergency exit plan for a fire still at a children's school type of thing.   I think it's a good idea.   Rob and I silly have to tweak it and make sure it is things that I can do.   I really think it will take my mind off my depression issues if I follow my emergency plan.
I am really trying to be better about things and really getting to be happier at home so I am not constantly ripping my hubbies head off.   I want or relationship to improve.  
As for the headaches,  I have figured out a couple of triggers now.... Tannins in tea and caffeine so no more diet coke for me.   I can't do the caffeine free as I am  sensitive to aspartame as well..... Sucks to be me lol....... Gonna be a hard few days.    ETA I found Diet Rite, it's caffeine free and has the splenda in it, and doesn't trigger migraines.  Granted I'm not going to go crazy on it, but when I need a soda fix, it will do the job.  I am a die hard Diet Coke addict so the last few days Friday was my last 'real' soda, have been a challenge.

So the above was written last week sometime lol, I'm so good about writing in my blog.  I apologize for that, I will try to do better.  So I saw my therapist again today and had a teary eyed session.  I explained to him how I obsessed over a stupid issue at work all day yesterday, the obsessing causes great anxiety
.  Yeah leaning more and more towards the fact that I can add OCD to my list if issues.  It was seriously stupid and not a big deal or anything just a Heather didn't think logically about it moment.  I fixed it but my brain wouldn't stop obsessing over it all day long.  So we talked about it, and he wants me to start writing "I made a mistake" over and over and over again until my mind shuts up which may take a few minutes or so but it will probably get my mind off of things.  It's ridiculous in the grand scheme of things that my brain picks issues to obsess over that are so stupid.  Then we worked on my self hate issues as well.  It was a teary eyed moment.  I want to learn to love myself and stop beating myself up over stupid things, I really do, I'm tired of hurting, tired of putting myself down, tired of hating myself.  So he brought in the dreaded mirror and made me repeat "I am beautiful" over and over and over again while looking in the mirror and without looking away......my anxiety/comfort level was about a 10 wh
en I started and I could only stop when I was have as anxious about it. I had tears streaming down my face and could barely say it in the beginning, oh and there were no pauses either.....it took about 7 and 1/2 minutes for me to get to a 5 comfort level.  So that is my homework assignment to do this multiple times a day each day.  When "I am beautiful stops causing me so much distress at the beginning, I add another saying such as "I am beautiful and amazing".  I have a tracker sheet to keep track of how anxious etc I am at the beginning and how long it takes me to get to 1/2 as anxious.  Wish me luck.  Oh and I don't have to believe what I am saying just yet.   Who knew being me could be such a challenge?

I am grateful I was able to find my therapist he is really helping me improve.  I just need to keep doing the things that he tells me to do and eventually I will start healing from my years of self hate and self abuse. I see my Psychiatrist in about a month, so I will discuss my anxiety and my OCD with her then and see what we need to do to help those issues.   The headaches are still coming, still working on figuring out triggers.  I'm hoping that I can weed out the foods that may be causing them so I can really eliminate them.  I don't see my Neurologist for another 3 months (If I can handle it that long).  

 

Comments

  1. AnonymousFebruary 24, 2015 at 1:06 PM

    I certainly understand all of the above. Especially the self hate part. the weight it puts on our families' really sucks, huh. We have found, after this past weekend, we opened up doors that used to be completely closed, without even realizing it until after the fact. a lot of the time i find that watching the TV lets my mind relax and i can almost climb inside whatever the show is, taking my mind off of everything else. i also have a great husband :) haven't done the ugly cry on the outside yet, but surely have on the inside. i just started my own blog and am learning my way around myself. i hope things continue to improve for you. sounds like we're both at about the same place as far as realization goes. by the way...coffee has been my best friend for many years, haven't done so well on that one just yet. heck, i just got done with denial! 1 step at a time, right? i may just try that whole scream thing though, that kinda sounds like a cool idea, there's always cough drops:) and i live in a place where no one would ever hear me...making it even more inviting! Have a great day!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HeatherFebruary 25, 2015 at 8:49 PM

      Thank you for your comments, glad to see someone reads my blog :) The screaming really did help even though I was crying while I was doing it.

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