Shades of Sunshine

So I am doing really well at the moment.  I feel great, my self worth and self esteem is going up, I feel confident and am really happy at the moment.  I have been exercising every day since Friday.  I have been walking 2-3 miles per day.  It is really liberating and I feel great.  It helps my anxiety and helps me feel better about myself.  I am even walking in my leggings and going on busy roads, normally I choose roads that are less traveled so no one will stare at me and judge me....yeah I'm messed up to say the least.  I usually am very self conscious, I HATE my legs and still feel 'fat', even though I have lost 76# and 63".  I met with my psychiatrist last Friday.  Not sure how I like how the visit went.  I told her about my increased anxiety and she doesn't want to put me on anything for the anxiety just gave me some Klonopin for when the anxiety happens.  She wants me to work with my therapist on the Cognitive Behavior Ther...

  <<<<<< Love it!  Almost 3 weeks ago my husband sent me that dreadful text that made me wake up and say "Hey, I'm fat, and there is something I can do about it instead of just buying bigger clothes".  I made that choice to take the chance to make the change!  I couldn't be happier!  I have already dropped 17#, lost 5.4" and dropped my BMI almost 2 points (I am actually in a lower class now instead of Obesity Class 2 I am Obesity Class 1).  I have made my choice and I couldn't be happier.  I have really been pushing the exercise this week, I have exercised all 5 days this week.  And exercised today to start off the new week. A couple things that have REALLY helped me, and things I have learned so far in this journey are: 1-  FOOD LOG-   I have started recording EVERYTHING I eat, including the butter I use to cook my foods in.  Holy crap was that ever eye opening.  I have decided as much as possible I am g...

I am in a depressed state at the moment.  I feel good but at the same time have this cloud of depression hanging over my head.  I am in a funk, I don't clean the house even though it is my 'job' now before you say anything about my husband should help, the hours of my job are basically part time, I'm home a good majority of the time therefore it's my responsibility to keep the dishes done, the house clean etc.  If my husband didn't work full time hours we would share the responsibility of the house. However, lately I just can't do it, I can't keep a clean house.  I wish I could but it's just beyond me at the moment.  Maybe my meds need tweaked a little bit or maybe I'm not on the right meds for my disease.  I spend my days off either watching tv, sleeping in or goofing on the computer, as well as the time I am home, some days I am home from work by 1pm.....my hubby gets home about 7:30 now, so that is plenty of time for me to clean up the hou...

I was at walmart this morning when the gravity of what I did nearly 7 months ago hit me like a train wreck.  I started crying and just felt depressed about it.  Why was I so stupid?  What was I thinking?  It really hit me hard.  I can't believe I did that.  But at the same time, wow, what an eye opener it has proven to be.  It helped me seek the help that I was avoiding.  It was a mistake that will shape my life forever.  I am grateful that I was able to use it as a learning experience and that I was able to get the help that I so desperately needed.  I hated feeling the way I did about myself and just in general.  I was miserable and very unhappy. I snapped at my husband more often than not and put him through a living hell.  I am so sorry for that, it was not my intention to hurt him in any way, shape or form.  IT is hard to not let my past define me, but I am trying on a daily basis to learn from it and to press forwa...

So today I decided to exercise.  I did a Walk At Home DVD and walked 2 miles.  It instantly put me in a better mood.  It is one of the challenges my counselor gave to me the time before my last visit, however I got sick with a cold so I didn't do it, it was hard as I am grossly out of shape, but I pressed forward and did it. I just realized it has been 6 months (ok actually closer to 7 months now) since my attempt, 6 months that I have been taking my pills EVERY day without fail and 6 months that I have been on the road to recovery, 6 months that I have had regular visits with my counselor and psychiatrist.  What have I learned in the past 6 months?  To live and let go, how to better manage my anxiety and how to use coping skills to get through things.  I am so grateful for my husband who has stood by my side through my mood swings, and through my anxiety/panic attacks and for him being there for me, it means more to me that I can ever say.  He is ...

I feel like I have fought hard to become a better me.  I am proud of who I am becoming.  And overall I think I am winning over my bipolar disorder at the moment.  I don't think I would be "Winning" if I wasn't following the things that I need to do, such as taking my medicine, visiting counselor and psychiatrist, and implementing the things that I have been taught.  I am grateful for all the tools that I have learned and glad that I have learned them.  I know that my anxiety is lessening as time goes on, but it also depends on my stress levels as well.  I have found a direct correlation to my anxiety and drinking soda though, if I drink a lot of soda in a day my anxiety skyrockets.  If I don't drink a lot of soda my anxiety is manageable.  Just have to limit my soda which is not an easy task for me, I am an addict plain and simple. We were/are supposed to be having some massive snow storm, so far it's left maybe 1", I am knocking on wood as I'...

Today I had court for the ticket I got for not having my car registered.  Holy cow it's a misdeameanor to do that...I did not know that and now have learned a valuable lesson, don't let your car get past due on the registration.  The judge was super nice, I was the only one that referred to him by "Your Honor" everyone else was like "Sir". I learned that from the clerk at the last ticket I got, that the judge is nicer if you respect him by dressing up and referring to him as Your Honor.  He reduced my fine since I brought proof that I had it taken care of from $40 to $30.  I thought that was nice of him as well as giving me until Friday (waiting till Rob gets paid on Thursday) to pay it.  This court experience was a whole lot different, last time I was an emotional mess, before, during and after.  I love how my pills make me calm and collected.  Was I nervous, you bet, but I didn't cry this time, and didn't have panic attack freak outs, so that was...

The only difference between stumbling blocks and  stepping stones is the way in which we use them. (Unknown) Today was an okay day, again with the anxiety over getting my car registered, wasn't sure I'd get out of work in time to get it inspected as well as get up to the DMV to get it licensed.  Luckily I was able to do both, so that is one less thing to be anxious about today.  :-)  I did have anxiety driving in the snow though.  It's supposed to be a doozy of a storm.  Joyous.  I hate the snow, I live in the wrong state for someone who dislikes snow.  Oh well.  Right now I am warm and cozy in my comfy clothes, slipper socks and all, and warm in my house. I really like the quote above, as that is true, we can use stumbling blocks as stepping stones and get above the stumbling blocks.  It is our choice how we want to react to situations. I really needed to hear this as I am having the stumbling block ...

Today was another high anxiety day.  So nervous about getting my car licensed, (had to wait until thursday when Rob gets paid).  I went and got new windshield wipers, and tomorrow after work am going to go get my car safety/emissions tested, then head up to the DMV to get it licensed. I really have come a long long way since August and my 'incident'.  I am taking my meds every day have missed only a couple of doses, (one was when I had surgery).  I am functioning better, my house isn't in utter chaos like it once was.  I am having more good days than bad days when before every day was a bad day.  I am getting help with both counseling and a psychiatrist.  I am daily trying to instill positive thoughts, doing anxiety tapping, and relaxation techniques to help myself get healthy.  These are all positive things.  I do know a lot of people don't realize how far they have gotten.  I am grateful for the knowledge that I have, and for every...

I really have felt lately that God has taught me how to fly with my disease.  Everyone always tells me that I am doing so well and they can't believe how quickly I bounced back from my suicide attempt.  Well I made the choice as I was in the hospital that I wanted  things to change, that I wanted  to get better, and that I wanted  to get the help that I needed.  I guess that was the lowest of low points in my life, and I am so grateful that God caught me and has led me to the counselor and people that I needed to see to get help.  Our insurance company was instrumental in getting me the help that I needed, and I am forever grateful for them. Today was a high anxiety day at work, I groomed 3 dogs for chronic complainers, no matter what their dogs never are like they want them.  They are extremely picky, the dogs hair cuts could be perfect and they will find something to complain about, however they rarely complain to me they complain to my boss...

As the year ends I have been reflecting upon the past year and what I have done and what I have been through.  I have decided that I must accept my past, accept my mistakes and look forward to the future.  I chose to attempt suicide in order to escape the pain that I was feeling, the pain of not being able to accept my short comings, and not being able to accept my bipolar condition and what it caused me to do and not do.  My poor husband put up with so much, it's no wonder he didn't leave me.  I truly have a gem of a husband.  He is so truly amazing it is hard to believe that he is mine forever.  He has put up with so much, yet has stuck by my side and continues to do so.  I wouldn't be any where near where I am in my recovery if it wasn't for him.  He has made sure I have all the tools necessary to heal, to move on and to take care of myself.  I love him to pieces and am forever grateful. Also as we look to the new year, I want to get b...

Today I met with my counselor, she did something I thought was very interesting.  She got some playing cards out and had me identify several positive attributes that I have so I could learn how to 'own' them.  Just as this is a winning hand in poker, I can help my confidence levels by 'owning' my traits or characteristics.  I had a hard time defining attributes that I have as I'm just not a confident person.  Here's what we came up with that are my strongest attributes when I am stressed, what she did was write each attribute on the playing card so I can remember my own winning hand Ace:  Dependable (I do what I say I am going to do) King: Resourceful (if I don't know the answer I research it until I do) Queen:  Stick to it (generally I see things through the end) Jack: Compassion (I have strong compassion for both people and animals) 10: Knowledgeable (I know a lot about animals and other subjects) Then I had to go through and 'own' each on ...

I know I refer back to my partial hospitalization a lot, but that experience taught me so much.  It taught me to hope for a better future.  Taught me coping skills, taught me how to take things with a grain of salt.  It taught me (from listening to others) that I may have been through hell, but there are others out there just like me who have been through what I've been through or are going through it now.  I made the conscious decision to change my life.  I was scared pretty bad to go to partial hospitalization, thought they would want to keep me and lock the door and throw away the key.  It was so out of my 'realm'.  I am such an extremely shy person so having to spend the day with complete strangers was a bit out of my comfort zone....But what I learned from them has been invaluable.  I even managed to learn from a negative nancy who had already made the decision she wasn't going to live past October, that regardless of how bad things are, so...

“You are the only person who thinks in your mind! You are the power and authority in your world.” ― Louise L. Hay I have the power to choose how my day is going to go, I can let something ruin it or learn from it.  This morning first thing my golden retriever spazzy that she is knocked off the remnants of a rotisserie chicken off the kitchen table, needless to say it had been there for a few too many days and the juice was rotten....ewww gross!  It spilled all over the floor and all down my pants.  I could have let this ruin my day but instead I chose to clean it up and change my pants so I didn't smell like rotten chicken.  Lesson I learned from it?  Throw garbage away instead of leaving it on the kitchen table.   Today was a good day, got all my grooms done, and then went and saw Alex Cross with my 2 sisters, then Jen took us all out to eat at Chili's.  Overall a great day.  I haven't felt depressed in over a week, it feels great ...

I tend to think that I have to give it all and everything has to be perfect.  I am starting to realize that it doesn't have to be perfect, I just have to be better.  Such as I was disappointed with how little I got done yesterday on the house.....Rob was completely fine with it and said that he was proud of me for at least getting something done, he said he doesn't expect me to spend 8 hours on the house on my days off.  That made me realize that little by little I am making progress, I am doing better.  It is just a matter of making myself believe I am doing better.  I did better today at work.  I am a dog groomer and I had a dog today who is a bit of a pill, she bites, so her owners give her tranquilizers prior to grooming.  Well they just took the edge off she still bit me, and was flipping out, normally when this happens I get upset and the adrenaline gets flowing and I get super anxious, start shaking etc.....well today I didn't get that way, ...