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Just Another Day

Today is my 35th Birthday.  Do I feel older?  Do I feel different?  Not in the least, it was just another day in my book.  Spent literally the day crying and having a pity party for myself.  Why you might ask? Because I am bipolar and that's what I do when I am feeling depressed, really I have no idea, only thing I can think of is the fertility bug....another year older, no kids to show for it, it makes me feel like a failure.  Like I don't deserve to have kids because I am an awful person.....trust me we (my therapist) and I are working on my self esteem and my confidence.  It just sucks!  I did have over 50 people post on my facebook page (if ever you don't feel loved visit your facebook page on your birthday).  That made my day.  For once I would love to have a birthday where something didn't go wrong, and it was a special day all the way around.  Gotta love my hubby he called me in the afternoon and oh BTW, Happy Birthday :-P  I did some dishes, laundry and then watched a few chick flicks (Ever After, Another Cinderella Story, 27 Dresses), and then when Rob got home we snuggled and watched the TV Show Alphas.  So it was an okay day I guess.  We had tortilla chips with cheese (one of my favorite meals) and Roast Beef for dinner, I know odd combo, but we were both so hungry that we had chips and then were barely hungry when dinner was done.

You might ask why I care about the fertility issues so much, well I do want kids (most of the time) and even though I have my fur kids, I still want to hold my own baby in my arms, I know my husband is going to be the most amazing father.  I just need to let go and let God handle it, but that is a very very hard thing for me to do.  I'm trying though.  I no longer cry every month when someone comes around, I just accept it as life.   We haven't seen a fertility specialist, I would love to, but it just never happens.


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