Shades of Sunshine

Sorry I haven't posted in the last week, been kind of in a slump.  Have been dealing with depression and the bad thoughts that brings (don't worry I have no intention of acting on the bad thoughts, have just been having them) I am doing well today though, functioning good, I have done dishes, rearranged our living room, and done some laundry including hanging it up and folding it which is really good for me.  I have been trying hard today.  I am almost out of my 3 month medications which is good seeing as how I got them in December.  Which means I haven't missed a dose in 7 months now, GO ME! Work is going okay, I wish we were busier, but what can you do, I can't make the phone ring and can't make people call in for appointments just have to have faith that it will all work out for the best. Tonight my church's relief society (women's group) is having a meeting, I haven't gone to one yet in our new ward as I have social anxiety about going by mysel...

Today I had a visit with my counselor.  We talked about rational mind, wise mind and emotional mind.  She did a mindfulness exercise focusing on my breathing today.  I also talked to her about my being sad, and while I was there it kind of hit me that my job is a source of my sadness and overwhelmedness at the moment. I work alone, well my boss comes in about once or twice a week but always after I have finished for the day, so doesn't really help out.  I don't have a guaranteed payday as it depends on when he makes it out there, and I am expected (since I live closer to him) to go and feed the shop dogs 7 days a week.  I have now arranged for my paychecks to be transferred to our account as they bank at the same bank, so if he can't make it out on Wednesdays (which are supposed to be paydays) he can just transfer the money instead of making me wait a day or two for my paycheck.   I am not even making minimum wage for the hours I put in, and I know it's ...

In case you didn't know I am a cheetah fanatic, one of my absolute dreams is to go to a place in Africa where you can lounge around with and pet Cheetahs.  Anyhow, my email addy is cprcheetah@comcast.net, and someone in my ward (congregation) asked me yesterday if I liked cheetahs and I said yes, he said that he had a picture he took in Tanzania when he was there last year that he would like to give to me.  He came by today to give it to me.  It is matted and will fit in a 12x16 frame.  What a nice gesture, it made my day.  How considerate of him. Today I feel a little bit happier I really am trying to be anyhow.  I had to go back to Hobby Lobby today to get a refund as the checker charged us $29.99 for something that only cost $2.99, it took 3 people 3 x of going through everything in my bag for them to figure out yep the cashier screwed up.  Why they don't have the electronic scanners I have no idea, but they manually input everything.  She ...

So I had an eye opening experience today.  My bishop (clergy) called both my husband and I into his office today, I thought for sure that it was to give us a calling (job in the church).  Boy was I wrong.  The bishop noticed that I was sad recently and wanted to know what he could do to help me.  My husband after he met with the bishop (we met individually) asked me if I had been taking my pills as for the last month I have been down, depressed and negative.  I have not missed one dose of medications that I can promise.  I am about out of my 3 month supply and will need more soon.  I guess that since my hubby and my bishop have noticed that I must seem sad.  I am a very shy withdrawn person and keep to myself in public places, I have met a few people in the congregation but I am not one to go up and talk to people.  In fact this week the Relief Society (women's group) had an activity and I didn't go because I didn't want to go by myself. ...

So today made day 4 that I have exercised in a row!  Woot Woot!  I feel so much better, yes my joints cry as I exercise but it seems to be getting easier/better.  My goal is to walk 2 miles (Walk At Home DVD's) every day.  I have lost 5.6# in the last month and know that most of it has come off this week, that is even with me eating out and eating popcorn last night.  My dear sister Jen and I went and saw Identity Thief last night, and then went to Applebee's for dinner, it was yummy and the show was hilarious with an awesome ending. Today is valentines day, my hubby and I don't normally celebrate it overly much other than just saying Happy Valentines Day to each other.  We are going to go out to eat at 5 Guys Burgers N Fries as soon as my hubby gets home from work.  My dad is having hernia surgery tomorrow.  I am having some anxiety about it as he is almost 70 years old.  I love my dad to pieces and am praying and wishing for the best po...

I was at walmart this morning when the gravity of what I did nearly 7 months ago hit me like a train wreck.  I started crying and just felt depressed about it.  Why was I so stupid?  What was I thinking?  It really hit me hard.  I can't believe I did that.  But at the same time, wow, what an eye opener it has proven to be.  It helped me seek the help that I was avoiding.  It was a mistake that will shape my life forever.  I am grateful that I was able to use it as a learning experience and that I was able to get the help that I so desperately needed.  I hated feeling the way I did about myself and just in general.  I was miserable and very unhappy. I snapped at my husband more often than not and put him through a living hell.  I am so sorry for that, it was not my intention to hurt him in any way, shape or form.  IT is hard to not let my past define me, but I am trying on a daily basis to learn from it and to press forwa...

So today I decided to exercise.  I did a Walk At Home DVD and walked 2 miles.  It instantly put me in a better mood.  It is one of the challenges my counselor gave to me the time before my last visit, however I got sick with a cold so I didn't do it, it was hard as I am grossly out of shape, but I pressed forward and did it. I just realized it has been 6 months (ok actually closer to 7 months now) since my attempt, 6 months that I have been taking my pills EVERY day without fail and 6 months that I have been on the road to recovery, 6 months that I have had regular visits with my counselor and psychiatrist.  What have I learned in the past 6 months?  To live and let go, how to better manage my anxiety and how to use coping skills to get through things.  I am so grateful for my husband who has stood by my side through my mood swings, and through my anxiety/panic attacks and for him being there for me, it means more to me that I can ever say.  He is ...

I feel like I have fought hard to become a better me.  I am proud of who I am becoming.  And overall I think I am winning over my bipolar disorder at the moment.  I don't think I would be "Winning" if I wasn't following the things that I need to do, such as taking my medicine, visiting counselor and psychiatrist, and implementing the things that I have been taught.  I am grateful for all the tools that I have learned and glad that I have learned them.  I know that my anxiety is lessening as time goes on, but it also depends on my stress levels as well.  I have found a direct correlation to my anxiety and drinking soda though, if I drink a lot of soda in a day my anxiety skyrockets.  If I don't drink a lot of soda my anxiety is manageable.  Just have to limit my soda which is not an easy task for me, I am an addict plain and simple. We were/are supposed to be having some massive snow storm, so far it's left maybe 1", I am knocking on wood as I'...

Why would anyone want to forget important lessons we learn in life?  I really like this quote as I have learned so many lessons over the course of my life and am grateful that I have been able to learn them.  Yes some of them have been difficult, and more challenging than others, but the fact that I have been able to learn from them is immensely important. If I didn't learn from them I would keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again which isn't good.  It's important to learn from our past, and I love the "Forgive and Reflect" such a powerful statement. By forgiving ourselves of our past we are able to move on instead of holding on and letting our past keep us down.  I know for me my past is powerful and I have learnt a lot especially over the past 6 months since my incident.  I have learned that I am in control of my moods (when I take my medications) and that I may be bipolar but it's no different than my hubby's diabetes it's a disease ...

Too often we think of what limitations we have on ourselves, I know I do on a daily basis.  I like this quote as it is . energizing to realize that there are possibilities for change and transformation.  I know I have made a change and transformation and continue on a daily basis to change into a better version of me.  I have not missed medications in months (only time I missed was when I had to fast for surgery).  I have not missed a counselor or psychiatrist visit since August, and I implement the tools that my counselor gives me.  I feel so much better than I did in August, instead of crying on an almost daily basis, I rarely cry at all anymore, sometimes it seems like I am emotionless, my hubby said lately I've been like a Zombie.  Not sure why, but I don't like that feeling and want to feel energetic and happy. Today I am grateful for: 1-  My Thoughtful husband, he brought me home some jewelry pieces last night 2-  My sister for her wil...