Shades of Sunshine

Today has been an awesome day, I feel fantastic and I haven't had the normal 'crawl out of my skin' agitation that I have on a daily basis.  I think it must be in my head as I just started my new meds yesterday.  It is probably too soon to tell if they are helping me or not.  One thing that the counselor I talked to yesterday said that is critical is for me to tell them exactly how the meds are working and if they are causing me any side effects, etc. Which I totally and completely agree with, it was side effects from my medication that got me into the mess I got into in August of last year.  The Neurontin made me feel high which was something that I didn't like.  So I quit taking my medication instead of talking to someone and telling them the side effects.  I did talk to my primary care physician about the side effects once or twice and he recommended that I find a psychiatrist to talk to. Which is something that I never did up until my suicide attempt...

Today was my first visit with my new psychiatrist.  Let's just say that I actually feel like we accomplished something which is NOT something I can say about my old psychiatrist.  We changed my medications to Geodon from Zyprexa, she instantly told me that I was on sub-therapeutic levels which basically means I wasn't taking enough to do any good. Not to mention that Zyprexa causes Diabetes and I am already at high risk for it since I have insulin resistance, pcos and a familial history of it. JOYOUS!  SO glad that I was doing that.....NOT.  It really irks me that my last psychiatrist didn't listen to me.  This new one I met with her assistant for about an hour and he took down my history and basic stuff, then I met with the psychiatrist for about an hour.  She is going to be awesome sauce.  She also was concerned that I haven't dealt with the trauma in my life (physical abuse from sister, loss of grandparents, date rape etc), so we are going to dea...

I tend to focus/worry/have anxiety a lot about tomorrows and all it does is makes me a nervous wreck and super anxious.  I tend to not let things go that happened yesterday too.  Again another source of my ever lasting anxiety.  I really need to remember that I can't change the past and I can't control what happens tomorrow, but I can control what I do and what happens today.  So I definitely need to start living in the todays instead of the yesterdays and tomorrows. I have essentially had the last 2 days off and have gotten what I think is a lot done, I have done 3 loads of dishes and some by hand as well, and have cleaned the living room, washed the stair wall and vaccuumed the kitchen (yes we have carpet in the kitchen) and vaccuumed about half of the stairs.  To some that may not seem like a lot but when I am struggling to get out of bed in the morning it is quite the feat of what I have done so I give myself props for getting as much as I have done d...

Things will work out, no matter how hard things might be, just keep on keeping on and keep on trucking.  I love this quote as if you dwell on the negative it brings you down, I honestly think it takes more energy to focus on the negative than it does to focus on the positive.  I have been trying awfully hard lately to keep positive even amidst my down times and even amidst trials that have come my way. I am a big believer in prayer, that prayers are answered and that prayer can help no matter what situation you are in, I may not say my prayers as regularly as I should but I know I feel so much better when I do. I know that sometimes I may not receive the answer that I want/hoped for, but everything happens for a reason and I know that they are answered according to God's will. Today at work I was super excited as my dog that stays till 445 didn't show up, I know I shouldn't be excited as it's lost income (a whopping $10) but at the same time I finished my other g...

Today I got flowers and a get well balloon from my hubby's coworkers, I think that was super duper nice of them and it made my day.  I thought it was very thoughtful of them.  I really like the company my husband works for, they really take care of the families and the workers.  I think I over did it just a little bit yesterday as my back is really hurting today. Today I met with my counselor, we discussed my 'obsessing' about things and she said I do have an obsessive compulsive tendency, joy yet another label to throw at myself, joy for me.  We discussed issues from my past and the person who caused them.  I am supposed to write said person a letter (which I won't send) but a letter full of how what they did/said etc affected me.  That and we might do a 'chair' exercise where I pretend that person is in a chair and I get to speak my mind and 'yell' at them if you will.  Sounds interesting.  She told me to warn my hubby that we are going into...

What an awesome quote and how true it is for me right now.  I tend to obsess and focus on the yesterdays a lot.  It's something I have always done.  I am really trying not to as it takes away from tomorrow and today.  I tend to not let things go, especially if it is something bad.  I got bit by a dog pretty bad on Saturday, it was a puppy not even 4 months old yet, he is VERY aggressive and has already been in quarantine for biting a child.  In my personal opinion he is going to require a TON of work and I don't even know if work will help him, he is that aggressive.  All I did was try to get him out of a cage, and he nailed me good, no growling no warnings.  Those are the worst kinds of biters. I must be doing somewhat better.  I have been playing my hubby's Nintendo 3DS for the past few days.  A year ago I would get so darn frustrated with the games that I couldn't see straight, now I have been enjoying them immensely, have been pl...

Sorry I haven't written for a bit have been dealing with tons of anxiety.  Saturday I injured a dog I was grooming, it jerked as I was shaving it's face so I nicked it''s eyelid and bruised it's eye, then another dogs face started bleeding while I was grooming it, I had my vet (dad) come look at them and the one dog (who's face started bleeding) had a corneal ulcer so bad it popped the eye, but it wasn't anything I did.  But it still caused significant anxiety for me.  I hate anxiety with a passion. Okay that was written this morning, I cut another dog today, in my defense she was extremely naughty and wiggly. I am seriously thinking of giving up grooming, it causes me so much anxiety and stress I don't know if I can keep doing it.  I don't know what to do as I don't want to hurt/inconvenience my boss, but at the same time, I feel like I am not good enough to keep doing it.  I have so much anxiety that I drink a ton of water, and am actually ...

<----------  Very awesome quote.  If you don't learn from your past you will just keep repeating the same mistakes.  I am grateful that I have been able to learn from my past and that I can progress and grow from it.  I have learned so much in the past 7 months in regards to my Bipolar Disorder.  I have learned there are many different ways to manage the disease it's not just take some pills and expect to be all better, it's not an instant cure.  It is a combination of therapy, pills and compliance with the things my counselor has taught me.  It is not something that can be cured, just controlled. Today my one and only groom didn't show up so I had an early work day.  I came home and cleaned house, did some dishes and cleaned off the counter in the kitchen.  Feels great to get so much accomplished.  Hoping to get the laundry folded, hung up and put away as well.  I like it when I have productive days.  Wahoo got the laun...

Anxiety is gonna be the death of me.  Seriously!  I drink water and/or diet coke when I am anxious, the more anxious I am the more I drink, it's a vicious cycle.  Yesterday I filled my 52oz mug at least 8 times while I was at work :-(  Luckily it was just water, but I was in the potty every 15 minutes.  I don't know what I was so anxious about, it just happens.  Today I was feeling anxious but I walked around the building (inside) instead of drinking.  It is 2:38 right now and I've only refilled my mug about 2x today.  It has taken a lot for me not to keep filling it but I am trying awfully hard to not drink so much, yesterday I literally was water logged I drank so much water, I could feel it sloshing around, and I was nauseated from drinking so much water. So I think I have been doing a little better in the past few days besides the anxiety.  I feel happier, and feel pretty good.  I have to say that I am grateful for my sister. ...