Shades of Sunshine

So last night I felt better than I have mood wise in a very very long time.  We watched some Big Bang Theory and I literally laughed my butt off.  My husband said he hasn't heard me laugh that much in like 6 years.  I do not know what was different about yesterday that made me feel so good, but something did.  I will take whatever happiness I can get.  So today at work I got to start training a new receptionist.  It will be nice to have someone else up front with me all the time especially when it gets crazy busy like it does sometimes.  My headache at work today started early but it didn't get above about a 2 on the pain scale.  Yet when I left work it instantly sky rocketed to about a 10 and is still throbbing.  I left a message with my Neurologist to see what the next step is, if I increase to 3 pills or what we need to do.  I really haven't seen any change in my headaches with the increase to 2 of the preventative pills.  I ...

So I lived through meeting the new counselor.  Usually when I meet new people I am very withdrawn and not very talkative.  I was not so today, I feel very comfortable with him and was able to open up about some things right off the bat.  Like I said highly unusual for me.  I really like the counselor I found.  My insurance company gave me the names of 3 of them and I picked the 2nd name, it just felt right.  A couple things that he told me were that I need to exercise every day, exercise for bipolar/depression is like taking a plunger to the brain as it helps the neurons fire better (or something along those lines lol).  I was doing really well with exercising every day up until I started getting daily migraine headaches then I kind of let the migraines be an excuse not to exercise.  So I am going to make more of an effort to exercise every day.  I will have 1 rest day a week which I have chosen to be Fridays since it is my 'longer' work ...

So today I am feeling very overwhelmed.  Was stuck at work a little late waiting for someone to come pick up their puppy, so I got home later and got to come home to a great big huge mess in my kitchen, my cat Munchie knocked over last nights dinner pan which was chicken in a honey sauce so a good 1/2 an inches worth of ooey gooey mess all over my kitchen floor which is carpeted.  Munchie has learned how to jump on my stove and counters and he lives up to his name, he loves to eat and gets into trouble.  So he got on the stove and knocked it off today.  Mind you Munchie has bad hips, bad knees and 1 bad front leg.....time to cut back his pain meds LOL.    Hubby told me that the mess easily avoidable by putting it in the sink, well I'm bipolar so my sink was already full of dishes that were soaking........then I had to come up with something for dinner, have a #10 headache and the pain medication isn't working today.  I broke down in tears in my hubby's...

Today was a good day overall.  We were busy at work which is usual for a Saturday.  I was in a really good mood too.  I used to be a dog groomer and I still have 2 little dogs that I have groomed for years that I groom still every 6 weeks, they were groomed today.  I also groom my own little dog Ruby Sue.  She's a bit naughty as she was only rescued last year and was a bit neglected by her previous home as far as grooming went among other things so she's not the best behaved dog about it.  She is getting somewhat better about it.   I am so glad that my husband is being so good about things right now.  It gives me something to look forward to when I get home from work, I LOVE that I get to come home and feel his embrace and get kisses from him. I have had a bit of a productive day, I made cat food for my 2 little youngest kittens, Mouse and Raven.  I feed them Prey Model Raw Diet and make their food every 2 weeks.  It's a lot of...

So had a good day at work, got lots of scanning done.  But on the way home from work after being in a fairly good mood all the sudden I am down in the dumps, depressed and crying.  WTH?.   Seriously hate being bipolar.  Don't know what triggered it or why in the hell I was crying I just was.  So I had some stores to stop at, but talked to my hubby and he texted me and told me he would hold me as soon as I came home, he even offered to let me go to the stores tomorrow, but we needed more Gluten Free tortilla shells so I decided to just go to the store tonight.  I take my dog Ruby up to my parents house on the days I work so she can go potty during the day and because she LOVES LOVES LOVES going for a ride and going up there, so tonight my headache was really bad and my mom said I looked yellow and pale, I told her I did not feel very good at all, which was true.  Have had a headache pretty much all day long, it's a pain medication type of a day....

Sometimes this path is really hard.  Just like anything worth while it is going to be hard and it's going to take time to get things back on track and running smoothly again.  My hubby is being really great about my latest mess.  He is as usual amazing.  I have truly been blessed by a saint of a man. I am working on becoming someone who is worthy of him.  Every day I am working towards that.  I hope that one day I can become the woman he deserves. So our kitten Raven is getting spayed today, which means she has to fast this morning, so no food.  She is a food hound and LIVES for food so it's truly hard for her.  She usually eats her own food then runs to everyone elses dishes and finishes off what they don't eat.  Well I had to pick up everyone else's dishes this morning.  Raven is less than amused.  It made me think that I am hungry for knowledge on how to better control my anger and what to do for my bipolar.  I am litera...

 I am doing better today.  I was in a good mood at work, got a new scanning project to work on, and for some weird reason I LOVE scanning projects.  Last year I scanned about 10 years of records into the system.  Now I am working on another project and I love doing it.  Yep I'm certifiable :)  Headache wasn't too bad at work, it hit right on schedule at 2pm but it wasn't throbbing like it normally was, and got worse with the headlights.  But my neck hurts worse tonight as well and I think that has something to do with the headahches.  Brief quick history, I have had a migraine pretty much every day since the middle of October.  Maybe 7 or so days that I haven't had one.  Yes I am seeing a doctor, a neurologist and a chiropractor for it.  We are hopefully working on a remedy for them.  I will say that the Topomax that they put me on as a preventative medicine is helping my anxiety.  I have generalized anxiety and seriousl...

Today I called our insurance to get help finding a therapist to go talk to.  I had to answer some pretty difficult questions, "Are you suicidal?  Are you having thoughts of harming yourself or others"  Yes, I am having bad thoughts, but I have no intentions of acting on them.  Hubby and I were talking last night and it hit me just how much I hurt him this weekend, and how much I damaged our relationship yet again, in case you haven't realized this by now, I'm really good at that.  He is a saint for putting up with all my crap.  It's not like I intentionally want to hurt him or say things to hurt him intentionally, I'm bipolar sometimes I have no control over it.  But we are going to move forward, I am getting help, and we are going to work on strengthening our relationship.  My husband is the most forgiving person I have ever met and I truly love him for that.   We have been married for almost 10 years and boy have we had our ups and downs,...

Today was a bit of a hard day, I had to work.  Went to the chiropractor and they started having me stretch my neck, boy did that make my neck hurt.  I am still feeling depressed which in turn makes me feel like a worthless human being and a horrible awful person.  I know that is my bipolar mind talking, but that's what I deal with when I am in a depression,"I'm fat (I have recently lost 69# and am almost in a normal weight for my height), I'm ugly, I am a horrible awful person etc". These are the things my brain/mind tells me when I am depressed. Don't worry I am very good and putting on a happy face when I am at work, and I LOVE my job.   I cried most of the way home from work as I was focusing on the past (what happened this weekend) and having paranoia set in (thinking my hubby is going to have had enough of my shenanagins and leave me.  My hubby of course being the amazing, wonderful, forgiving man that he is held me and comforted me and told me to f...

My name is Heather and I am Bipolar.  Normally I would say I "HAVE" Bipolar, but I have been letting it define me lately so I am Bipolar at the moment.  Last night I had an ugly case of rage that I directed at my dog because she didn't want to go in her kennel for bed time.  I got ugly with her and my husband.  Not going to go into details just that my anger was not called for or justified.  I don't know what came over me, it was not a situation that warranted the kind of rage that came over me.  My husband was holding our foster kitten and was being cute with him and was trying to get me to kiss the kitten.  I was trying to get the fur kids to go to bed,  I told her "Ruby time for bed" she jumped off the couch and laid down on a blanket on the ground, I flew into a rage directed at Ruby because she didn't go directly to her kennel.  It was totally unwarranted and I am deeply sorry for what I said/did.  So needless to say things have b...