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Don't Stop Fighting

 I am doing better today.  I was in a good mood at work, got a new scanning project to work on, and for some weird reason I LOVE scanning projects.  Last year I scanned about 10 years of records into the system.  Now I am working on another project and I love doing it.  Yep I'm certifiable :)  Headache wasn't too bad at work, it hit right on schedule at 2pm but it wasn't throbbing like it normally was, and got worse with the headlights.  But my neck hurts worse tonight as well and I think that has something to do with the headahches.  Brief quick history, I have had a migraine pretty much every day since the middle of October.  Maybe 7 or so days that I haven't had one.  Yes I am seeing a doctor, a neurologist and a chiropractor for it.  We are hopefully working on a remedy for them.  I will say that the Topomax that they put me on as a preventative medicine is helping my anxiety.  I have generalized anxiety and seriously I messed up one credit card a few months back switching the numbers and ran it for like $7 short so I just paid cash to make up the difference of my goof, ever since then I'm freaking paranoid about making the same mistake.  I am getting better about it now and don't fret and worry about every transaction I make.  The joys of living with my mind.

I am feeling more hopeful towards things and feeling so grateful and blessed to have my husband by my side.  I love that he is so supportive of me even though I have bitten his head off multiple times and have said some very nasty things in my bipolar rage, things that he didn't deserve to be spoken to that way.  I came home tonight after staying late for an emergency at work and my side of the bed was made with my electric blanket turned on so it will be warm when I go to bed.  Hubby sleeps with a fan blowing the outside air into the bedroom, he has to because of his asthma.......and I get cold really easily.  Needless to say I think I've worn out about 6 or 7 electric blankets in the almost 10 years we've been married.  He is constantly thinking of me and loves me even despite my being certifiably crazy.  Hey I warned him before we got married. :) 

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I really like this quote, I am not going to stop fighting to get some normality back into my life.  Last night I was reading blog entries back from when I started this blog 2 years ago.  Boy have I forgotten a lot of coping mechanisms and tools that I learned in the partial hospitalization I was in.  No wonder I am where I am.  Just like alcoholics need to keep going to AA meetings and have their sponsors, I need to keep up with the coping tools and recovery things that I learned about while there.  Needless to say I will be starting to use them again.  I am a very negative person and even though I learned with the CBT how to change my thinking I forgot and still use very negative sayings about myself etc.  That's got to change as well.  One thing I am having issues with is my body at the moment.  I have lost 69# and 59" in the last 10 months,  yet I still see fat thighs, big booty and just feel ugly.  I have done AMAZING, I am 25# away from my goal weight, that's pretty fantastic.  My body isn't what it used to be and as my hubby likes I've got curves :).  I am going to try positive affirmations every day to help with my self image.  I downloaded a few apps to my tablet that I used to use when I first started this blog, hoping they will help me they use the CBT which helps change your thinking.  One is a daily happiness app too.  I need to find the mood app I had installed it would keep track of my moods.  Going to go have some couch snuggle time with the hubby.  It is much needed.

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