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Focus on the Future

Today was a bit of a hard day, I had to work.  Went to the chiropractor and they started having me stretch my neck, boy did that make my neck hurt.  I am still feeling depressed which in turn makes me feel like a worthless human being and a horrible awful person.  I know that is my bipolar mind talking, but that's what I deal with when I am in a depression,"I'm fat (I have recently lost 69# and am almost in a normal weight for my height), I'm ugly, I am a horrible awful person etc". These are the things my brain/mind tells me when I am depressed.
Don't worry I am very good and putting on a happy face when I am at work, and I LOVE my job.   I cried most of the way home from work as I was focusing on the past (what happened this weekend) and having paranoia set in (thinking my hubby is going to have had enough of my shenanagins and leave me.  My hubby of course being the amazing, wonderful, forgiving man that he is held me and comforted me and told me to focus on the future and not dwell on the past, I can't go back and change what happened, I just needed to focus on getting better and improving.  So true.  I need to focus on getting better control of my anger and focus on getting better with my bipolar. 
Honestly I can say that with all the literal hell I have put my husband through in the past 10 years, I am amazed he is still with me, most men would have dropped me a long time ago.  I am so grateful for his support, and once again so sorry for all the hurt and pain I have caused him.  I don't do it on purpose.  I feel so bad for the way I have treated him, no one deserves that, but being bipolar sometimes crap just comes out of my mouth.  I am working on getting a better handle on it.
Today at lunch instead of my normal facebook perusing on my tablet, I used it to look up different supplements etc to help bipolar/anger and came up with a few.  We are struggling financially right now so can't try them all, but I did have a couple already in my arsenal of cat food supplements (I make my own cat food for a couple of my cats)  so am going to give them a try.  Taurine and B Complex.  This is what I found on Taurine: The benefit of taurine for bipolar disorder lies in its properties as a powerful, natural antidepressant. It alleviates bipolar disorder symptoms by inhibiting abnormal electrical activity in the brain. This, in turn, stabilizes and enhances mood."  This is what I found on B Complex s. If you are deficient in any of the Bs, depression, anxiety, and fatigue can result. The B vitamins work together, so it’s best to take a B-complex supplement that mixes them in proper proportions along with folic acid. The Bs have a generally energizing effect and help build up the immune system."
  We shall see if they help.  I am calling the insurance company tomorrow to find a counselor, I have to get my bipolar back under control.  Three More weeks until I see my psychiatrist.  But I am long overdue for some talk therapy.  Hubby offers to let me talk to him but for whatever reason I have a hard time expressing myself fully.  Heck my last counselor had to pry stuff out of me so the new one will probably have to do the same. 
This evening I have been looking up more things on ways to better handle my anger and different supplements.  I tend to get on a subject and then hyper focus and obsess about it for a week or two, so this is my new obsession of the moment.  But I guess it's a good obsession, finding ways to heal and get through this and ways to get better.  Here's to focusing on the future and getting better

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