Shades of Sunshine

So I am doing really well at the moment.  I feel great, my self worth and self esteem is going up, I feel confident and am really happy at the moment.  I have been exercising every day since Friday.  I have been walking 2-3 miles per day.  It is really liberating and I feel great.  It helps my anxiety and helps me feel better about myself.  I am even walking in my leggings and going on busy roads, normally I choose roads that are less traveled so no one will stare at me and judge me....yeah I'm messed up to say the least.  I usually am very self conscious, I HATE my legs and still feel 'fat', even though I have lost 76# and 63".  I met with my psychiatrist last Friday.  Not sure how I like how the visit went.  I told her about my increased anxiety and she doesn't want to put me on anything for the anxiety just gave me some Klonopin for when the anxiety happens.  She wants me to work with my therapist on the Cognitive Behavior Ther...

Not necessarily depressed just mulling over every mistake I have ever made which makes me anxious.  Boy am I ever on the anxiety train today.  I can't stop the thoughts in my head they go round and round like a merry go round.  I've taken my L-Theanine and a Klonopin but the thoughts are still going round and round they go.......flooding my mind with them. It's almost bedtime and that usually quiets them down only enough to start again tomorrow. It's enough to drive me crazy.  As my hubby always says "Short Drive" LOL.  Yes I admit I am crazy, I always say "Certifiably".   So fingers crossed my psych will give me something that I can take daily to thwart off this anxiety. Had a pretty productive day off, not as much as I could have but hey at least I got some stuff done.  I did lots of dishes, washed the towels and bathroom rugs, washed my blanket that my cat so eloquently barfed on, changed cat boxes, brought back the garbage cans from the st...

So I have been doing pretty good lately.   I see both my therapist and my psychiatrist on Friday.   I am going to talk to my psych about anxiety meds.   I have anxiety pretty much every day.   Some days are worse than others, some days I know what I am anxious about others I am anxious just because I am awake lol.   I don't know if she will give me anything or not,  but I hope so.   I have been taking l-theanine which is something my old doctor who was a naturopath told me to use for anxiety and it helps some but I would really rather not have the anxiety period.   I have been on Klonopin in the past and it works some.   We will see what she says.   I haven't been too good about doing my daily tasks this week.   I had a streak where I did then really good for like 3 days then just feel back into old ways and quit doing them. So I really need to do better about that.   I ...

  So I have been on a weight loss journey for a year now and I have lost 75# and 63" off my body.  It has not been easy and I have had my ups and downs.  These are my progress pictures.  I have had a relatively good week.  My anxiety about running credit cards through at work has gone down, it's like what my therapist said finally 'clicked' and I no longer have the compulsion to check them 3 or 4 times before hitting enter lol.  I did have an incident where I was hyper focused on what I was doing on the computer and my husband asked for my help 2 times and I totally did not even hear him.....unfortunately this happens a lot.  I don't know what my deal is and I feel awful about it.  Then last night I got a private message on a forum I am on telling me a link that I posted wasn't relavant to the topic I posted on......yeah that made me cry and have a complete and total breakdown......like sobbing tears.  WTF?  Seriously wish I could have ...

Met with my therapist today.  I am so grateful for my husbands job and his wonderful insurance.  They are covering 10 visits 100% with no copays.  It is such a blessing to us that they are doing this.  It was an interesting experience today.  He asked me if I always did what was expected of me, if I ever went outside the 'norm' and did something spontaneous or anything like that.  I told him no I pretty much stick to how things are supposed to go as I fear what others may think of me.  As I told him that I double and triple check credit cards at work since my big screw up a few weeks back.  He told me that is not facing it that is running away and letting it rule my life and causing me anxiety.  Which is true, it does cause me anxiety.  So we went on a field trip today and he took a mirror outside and dropped it and said he was just going to leave it there and let it be someone elses problem and someone else could clean it up (I'm pret...

I am a semi-functional bipolar, meaning that outside the home I function very well, inside the home is a different story.  Dishes pile up, counters need cleaned, I haven't seen my kitchen table in who knows how long as it's piled up with crap, my floor needs vacuumed and swept, you know it's not 'clean' by any means.  I have been thinking on it a lot lately and have decided that I want that to change.  I want to come home from work to a clean house, one that doesn't cause me anxiety and stress because it's messy.  I am going to start using a method of cleaning that I used years ago that helped, it is called "The Fly Lady Method"  you can read more about it here. http://www.flylady.net/  It is basically a simple method with different zones in the household to keep things neat and tidy.  There are things like crisis cleaning and such to get the ball rolling.  I really am tired of living the way that I do, tired of the mess, tired of the clutter an...