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My name is Heather and I am Bipolar

My name is Heather and I am Bipolar.  Normally I would say I "HAVE" Bipolar, but I have been letting it define me lately so I am Bipolar at the moment.  Last night I had an ugly case of rage that I directed at my dog because she didn't want to go in her kennel for bed time.  I got ugly with her and my husband.  Not going to go into details just that my anger was not called for or justified.  I don't know what came over me, it was not a situation that warranted the kind of rage that came over me.  My husband was holding our foster kitten and was being cute with him and was trying to get me to kiss the kitten.  I was trying to get the fur kids to go to bed,  I told her "Ruby time for bed" she jumped off the couch and laid down on a blanket on the ground, I flew into a rage directed at Ruby because she didn't go directly to her kennel.  It was totally unwarranted and I am deeply sorry for what I said/did.  So needless to say things have been a little tense/strained with the hubby today because of words that I said after.  They were some very ugly words as well.  I am VERY ashamed of the way I behaved last night.  VERY ashamed.

We talked through it a little while ago and he suggested I look up anger management as I have been having issues lately and start seeing a counselor again.  I was going to a counselor for about a year then she basically told me that I was through and didn't need a counselor any more.  Well okay, seeing as how bipolar is a lifelong disease and not something I am going to ever get rid of....... It's been well over a year since I've been to a therapist/counselor so I am in dire need of some chit chat with one.  I will focus on that on Tuesday my day off when I have some time to locate one.  I have been seeing a Psychiatrist since 2012 regularly but she just maintains my medications, no talk therapy.

I have spent a good few hours researching anger management and bipolar and one of the techniques was to blog/journal about things, so I figured why not.  I know it was therapeutic for me a couple of years ago when I was doing it every day why not do it again.  I also learned that unwarranted rage/anger is part of bipolar and can be manifested during mania or depressive episodes.....well today has been a major depressive episode, been having an extremely hard time and thoughts that I haven't had in a long time have been creeping into my brain.  Thoughts of just taking some pills and leaving this life behind.  I have been crying off and on all day.  I don't want to die, just having those stupid thoughts due to stupid bipolar and the guilt I have been experiencing from my rage fest yesterday.  I really do love my husband and can't/won't put him through that again (for those unfamiliar with my history, I took a bunch of pills in August of 2012) nor do I want to leave him or my fur children behind.  I need help.  I recognize that.  No worries, you don't have to call the authorities I am not going to act on it.  Just part of bipolar depression is having those evil/dark thoughts.  I see my psychiatrist in a few weeks, and have a lot to discuss with her obviously.  My meds obviously need adjusting.  We had to reduce my mood stabilizer pill as it was making me too groggy in the morning to drive to work so I am only taking 1/2 the dose I was when it made me stable.  I think that I need something else as obviously my moods are less than stable right now.

I am also going to start exercising again as it is something that helps with rage/anger. I have been battling daily migraines since October so I have been slack at exercising lately.  We don't know what's causing them I have been through a bunch of testing including MRI's and they can't figure them out.  I am now seeing a chiropractor and do have a jacked up neck they are working and fixing, but still getting headaches every day.  I read today that physical pain can be enhanced during a depressive episode of Bipolar.......that could explain why the headaches have been so bad lately. 
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Comments

  1. AnonymousMarch 2, 2015 at 12:04 PM

    i've been lucky to not be going through anger and rageful moments in quite some time. the depression seems to almost always be right around the corner though. the self hate part really pisses me off, i used to be considered pretty cool. now i'm just the 'crazy lady on the hill'. i think my meds too need adjusting, i'm always so darned tired and i know it lets my husband down. we used to be really active together and all i really want to do now is sleep! not good, plus i wake up a lot at night. Try not to be so hard on yourself, it's going to happen every once in a while. How ya doing on your exercise level? is it maybe too aggressive for you physically? and have patience with your doctors, not too long ago it was discovered that i have nerve damage at the top of my brain stem and finally under went surgery. but it was a long haul...long long haul...before the tests finally revealed the problem. right Dr. right time, hang on knowing that'll come for you to! Migraines and their triggers are a tough one to figure out...hang tough!

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownAugust 5, 2016 at 9:01 AM

    Love spell came out tremendously, I highly recommending robinson.buckler@yahoo.com for whatever problems you are experiencing in your relationship. He also healed my husband from Bipolar disorder. his love spell is absolutely wonderful .
    Elizabeth kings, USA

    ReplyDelete

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