Shades of Sunshine

I found a really cool link that explains bipolar disorder.  It is very accurate and would be helpful to anyone trying to explain exactly what bipolar is like and how to understand it. http://natashatracy.com/bipolar-disorder/explain-bipolar-disorder/ So hubby noticed that I am doing better.  I am a nail biter big time.  Part of my anxiety I think.  Well for the last couple of months for whatever reason I haven't been biting my nails.  I break them a lot but no biting.  I have bitten my nails my entire life so this is big for me. I had an appointment with my counselor today.  We talked about the possibility of me going back to school to get a degree as a Veterinary Technician.  I'm not sure how I feel about that, and pretty sure I won't be able to until my bankruptcy is done in about 3-4 years.  It would be nice, in searching for a new job there are several places hiring for a vet tech instead of a receptionist.  But again the fina...

I thought today that I would share a little bit more about how bipolar affects my life. I have mixed rapid cycling bipolar. Basically what that means is that my moods can change in a matter of minutes.  I can be manic (happy, up beat, extreme amounts of energy) and change to depression in a matter of minutes.  I don't have psychotic features as some people who have bipolar do get.  I don't hear voices other than my conscious/intuition telling me whether or not to do something. When I am manic my mind races 100 miles per second, I can't stay focused and have tons of energy.  I make horrible decisions and spend lots of money (if I have it).  Luckily my hubby controls our finances now so I can't go out and spend money like crazy like I was.  I am pulling myself out of a depression at the moment which was caused by us trying to cut back on the amount of pills I take in a day.  Well that didn't work out too well so back to the regular dosage of Seroquel...

This was posted on one of my bipolar groups.  I love it.  There are so many stigma's out there about bipolar people.  To me being bipolar is no different than my hubby's diabetes.  It's a chemical imbalance of the brain which requires medications/chemicals to correct it.  I'm so glad that I have chosen to accept my disease and to get the help I so desperately needed.  I will admit it has been difficult and I've had ups and downs.  Lately there have been lots of downs, but we figured out that it was because we were trying to wean me off of one of the medications I am taking.  So we put it back to the normal dose and today is the first day in a while I haven't felt depressed.  I actually cleaned a spot in our laundry room to put shelves for food storage and what not. On the job front, things are REALLY REALLY slow which makes it tough as it means little paychecks.  I wish I could find a different job.  At this point thinking of wo...

So today I had a Dr's appointment to follow up from my injury from the car accident.  Got the all clear from my Dr.  I haven't been in pain with my back or neck for about a week now so that's good. I have an appointment with my Psychiatrist later this afternoon.  I'm really torn on whether or not to tell her I've been having suicidal ideation lately.  I don't want to get thrown in the looney bin, but I want to be honest so I can get the right dose or different meds for my depression. On another note, my kitchen is still clean, dishes are done nightly and everything gets wiped off daily.  Definitely a miracle.  It's been a week.   It's so nice to be able to find utensils, cooking pans etc without having to hunt them down on the counter or stove, then having to wash them after the food has been stuck on for days.  It's easy to keep clean.  I am grateful to my hubby for helping out with keeping it clean as well.  Totally awesome!...

3rd day in a row are you as shocked as I am?  I guess I have a lot of thoughts running through my head at the moment.  I really really just want to up and quit my job, but we really need the money even if it is just peanuts.  My job makes me so stressed out and anxious.  I pace while I wait for dogs to dry and flick my fingers, which are signs that I am anxious.  I don't take my Klonipin every day just when it is really bad as it makes me slightly loopy and I can't be that way at work.  Work has gotten better since my boss is now there on a daily basis (his wife was dying of cancer so he only came in 1-2 days a week, she has since passed on).  Because he is there I don't have to stay till 4 waiting for people to come pick up their dogs as he does.  He says he doesn't like being home so spends his days at the shop. On one of my facebook groups they were talking about a support system.  I have to say I have an awesome one.  My hubby is...

Sometimes, things have to go wrong before they can go right. Sometimes, we have to let the wrong people walk out before we allow the right people to walk in. Sometimes, we have to feel weak in order to know what it's like to feel strong. Sometimes, you have to be broken to realize you'll never be shattered. Sometimes, you have to "be in like" before you can "be in love". Sometimes, you have to take the good in with the bad to know what's actually worthwhile.  So I have spent a good majority of the past 2 days cleaning my kitchen.  Finally got the stove semi-clean.  I used a razor blade to scrape off the burnt food mess that was here when we moved in.  It looks so much better, makes my entire kitchen seem cleaner.  My hubby gave me the best compliment in the world and said "The Kitchen looks phenominal"  What a nice thing to say, it gave me a huge boost of confidence.  I even put away the leftovers from dinner and did the dinner dishes...

Hello there, I met with my counselor today, we went over my 'letter' (she had me write a letter to someone explaining their effects on me, not going to give the letter to the person though).  Any how then we were talking about how I'm doing.  I told her that I have been depressed about the car accident, even though it wasn't my fault I still felt guilt and shame for it because we had to scrimp and not pay bills so we could get me a cheapie car (we paid $850 for it).  It really made things hard on us this month.  Then I feel depressed about my job, I am not even making minimum wage (on commission), so that's making things difficult to pay bills etc.  My counselor said it wasn't depression just life's events.  I don't agree with that I have had suicide ideations and been mega down in the dumps.  I think that qualifies as depression.  I told her that I thought I needed an increase in my anti-depressant or a different one.  Again she disagreed ...

I am in a depressed state at the moment.  I feel good but at the same time have this cloud of depression hanging over my head.  I am in a funk, I don't clean the house even though it is my 'job' now before you say anything about my husband should help, the hours of my job are basically part time, I'm home a good majority of the time therefore it's my responsibility to keep the dishes done, the house clean etc.  If my husband didn't work full time hours we would share the responsibility of the house. However, lately I just can't do it, I can't keep a clean house.  I wish I could but it's just beyond me at the moment.  Maybe my meds need tweaked a little bit or maybe I'm not on the right meds for my disease.  I spend my days off either watching tv, sleeping in or goofing on the computer, as well as the time I am home, some days I am home from work by 1pm.....my hubby gets home about 7:30 now, so that is plenty of time for me to clean up the hou...

I believe honesty is the best policy.  I feel that I need a different antidepressant, as I am having suicidal ideation (no worries about me acting on it I won't do that to myself again).  I feel pretty stable mood wise, like not angry or anything and feel happy but having thoughts about taking pills (again no worries about me acting on it).  I am going to call my pdoc tomorrow and see if we can't get something else for my antidepressant.  I don't think the wellbutrin is working any more.  I guess that is part of being bipolar is working with my psychiatrist to find the right balance of meds.  I think we have found the right balance of the mood stabilizer but the anti-depressant I think we need a different one. I had my 2nd sleep apnea study last night, again with the wires out the wazoo, they put this gel type stuff in your hair that is nearly impossible to get out.  You have to use extremely hot water to get it out and even then it doesn't all come ...

I thought I would explain why I started this blog.  Back in August 2012 I took some sleeping pills and had to be rushed to the hospital by ambulance.  This was my wake up call to my bipolar disease needing regular treatment.  I felt inspired to share my journey with others in hopes that someone may benefit from my blog.  I wanted to help someone or people get the help they need or maybe inspire them to change the way things are going in their life.  It took a lot of guts for me to start this blog as in general I am a really private person, but I felt that others needed to hear my story, so that is how this blog came about.  I called it waiting for sunshine because in essence that is what I am waiting for in the ongoing treatment for my bipolar disease, the clouds to part and have a little sunshine in my life.  I am to that point where my life doesn't 'suck' as it did before I got back on meds and treatment with counseling and a psychiatrist etc....

Wow, 3 posts in a week :-)  Today is my day off, I have had to force myself to get off the couch/computer and do dishes and put laundry away.  I slept in until about 10am, which felt good.  It was much needed, yesterday physical therapy kicked my butt.  Usually it's been my lower back that's hurting, now it's my upper back and boy does it hurt.  I found out my xray results finally, I have scoliosis of my neck (pretty sure I have it in my back too as I was told I did in Jr High when they had the nurse come and check us out).  I don't think it causes me any pain at the moment other than my residual car accident pain. My car is still running good, not bad for $850.00. My hubby added some fluids to it, like antifreeze/coolant and windshield wiper fluid, which is kind of a funny story, the day I totaled my car he went to walmart and picked up antifreeze and windshield wiper fluid for my car :-)  Gotta love his thoughtfulness.  I am on several bip...