Shades of Sunshine

Definitely feeling this this week as we are packing and moving.  If I would have been a better house cleaner it wouldn't be so hard to move, we wouldn't have had to make 5 dumpster runs and still need more, we would be struggling to get everything packed and semi-clean for the moving crew.   So definitely learned the lesson to keep a clean house.  Now we have to go to the new house and clean and there is lots to do there to make the house nice, but we are prepared and excited to do what we can. Have been packing up the kitchen,  holy cow I feel like we have so much stuff.  I am grateful to my sister lara for giving us her extra boxes she didn't use.  I have almost used all of them in packing this afternoon.  We are taking the cats to the new house tonight, they are not amused with all the commotion and noise and boxes.  I think they will do okay in the new house.  We are spending the day tomorrow 1st of getting our cars licensed th...

I made both my sisters cry today.  My oldest sister Lara because she feels bad about not being able to getting everything done on her house (we are moving to) before she leaves tomorrow morning.  I told her no worries, we understand that because we are 'pushing the envelope' so to speak by wanting to move in before we have to pay rent for December at our current location. My sister Jen, because she felt bad for a misunderstanding we had....got everything squared away, and I am glad to say I have my sponsor back :-)  She is going to call me every day again, it helps so much to talk about my day.  It is something I look  forward to each day.  We usually talk for 20 to 30 minutes. As far as the move goes....we are making progress.  My scrapbook room is packed up....man I have a ton of stuff that I haven't used in the past 3 or 4 years because of the depression I have been in.  I am so excited to get things out and actually use things.  I ca...

Going through stuff as we pack/move and I just found a journal entry from 1992 where I talked about suicide.  I was mad because my brothers got away with murder and I was always in trouble for things that they did, like teasing me etc What a petty reason to think of suicide....so glad that I never acted on it back then.   I was not officially diagnosed with bipolar until the year 1996.  But WOW what a wake up call.  Kind of sad as I was only in Jr High at the time I wrote it.  Makes me realize that I have had issues longer than I remember. We are moving and packing and going through lots of junk, we have thrown away a lot of stuff (am embarrassed to say 4 truck-fulls so far....just one layer deep but wow we just have accumulated and saved stuff that we aren't going to do anything with or haven't used in 4 years.  I am super excited that we will have garbage cans right outside our front door, so we won't have to let the garbage stack up.  And no the...

Link back to us at   Sunday Stealing ! 1. Where was your profile picture taken?  In my bathroom :-) 2. Name someone who made you laugh today.  My husband Rob 3. Do you believe exes can be friends?  Yes and no, depends on the ex 4. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?  I will drink it, it's not my favorite though 5. Who was the last person you took a picture of? My hubby 6. Are you upset about anything?  We are moving in 1 week, and I don't feel like we are prepared as we should be. 7. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?  Yes if you work on them.  I have a wonderful relationship with my husband 8. Are you a bad influence?  No 9. Night out or night in?  Night in, nothing I love more than snuggling on the couch with my hubby. 10. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?  A friend did when she was upset with me 11. What song is stuck in your head?  Bang Bang Maxwell, Silver Spoon off of Sergea...

 Saturday 9: Cold Turkey 1) Are you still feasting on cold turkey, or any other leftovers, from your Thanksgiving meal?   Yes, cold turkey, cornbread stuffing (gluten free) and shrimp salad. 2) AAA says Thanksgiving is a big travel weekend. Did you venture far from home for your holiday dinner?   No we stayed close and ate at my brother in laws house 3) Is this weekend the official start of the Christmas season for you?   Yes and no....we are getting ready to move next weekend, we have been listening to christmas music while we pack and move. 4) Which couple would you rather hang out with -- Fred and Wilma Flintstone or George and Jane Jetson?   Fred and Wilma Flinstone.   5) Have you/would you ever get your teeth whitened?   Tried the teeth whitening strips once but that's it. 6) Do you still have your high school class ring?   Never had one 7) Here's $50. You must spend it all in one place. What are you going to do ...

I don't have a lot of time to post as we have a lot to do still before our move next week.  But just wanted to say Hey, and I am doing better than I thought I would be with the move but am still really anxious about it.  It doesn't help that my 'sponsor' has abandoned me because she got her feathers in a ruff about having to move her stuff out of the garage where we are moving.....um hello if my sister was going to be renting it out to people other than family, it would have to go anyways.  Oh well, bygones be bygones, just hurts a lot because we have spent a lot of time lately building our relationship back up from when it was damaged because of a controlling guy she was dating. On the move front we borrowed my sister-in-laws truck this weekend and have made 2 dumpster runs (we are throwing out a lot of just crap), and 1 trip to the new house.  We are hoping for another dumpster run or two and maybe one more double load out to the new house.  We shall see.

Today I am feeling very grateful and thankful.  My husband was diagnosed with being gluten intolerant 2 years ago now.  It makes holidays a challenge.  As we can't eat wheat/flour etc.  My husband being the genius that he is has found alternate flours etc that don't make him sick.  We made a shrimp pasta salad, cornbread stuffing, and cranberry sauce out of real cranberries.  All items are gluten free and sugar free.  I am so grateful that my hubby was/has been able to find alternate recipes, IMHO are better than anything with wheat/gluten/sugar.  He is amazing.  I am also grateful for family, both Rob and our extended family.  His brother Jim invited us over for Turkey Day, and we are about to head out there in a few minutes.  I am grateful/thankful that I am still here and that I have been able to find counselor who 'gets' me and has helped me so much on my journey to recovery.  For those who are newer readers, in August I ...

Hey there.  I am probably not going to have a lot of time to post in the next few weeks as we are moving on December 1st, we have LOTS and LOTS of packing and cleaning to do.  I am excited and a tad bit anxious, but have been doing the anxiety tapping and that has helped out a ton. As for my quote today....I had a wee bit of a misunderstanding with my older sister Jen, and now she won't answer my calls or texts. Everything is squared away with the misunderstanding.  My dad was supposed to tell her something but he didn't. Bless his heart, my poor dad gets the blame for a lot of stuff that technically isn't his fault or responsibility. I made myself physically ill stressing out about it last night :-(  Hopefully she will forgive me for the stress I caused her with the misunderstanding. She is after all my sponsor and I'd hate to lose that. We have talked pretty much every day since my partial hospitalization.  It really does help and I'd miss it immensely if ...

Today I met with my counselor.  We talked about the impending move and how I can use Cognitive Behavior Therapy to make it less stressful.  Talked about how anxiety tapping has helped me and talked about how I tend to internalize things instead of talking about them.  I do tend to do that, I make everything 'my fault' or negative self talking that I love to do so much.  Such as with this move, I keep telling myself we'll never get things done (2 weeks) as the house is a mess because I haven't cleaned it yet, instead of focusing on the awesomeness that we have already gotten accomplished.  We have been working in the basement and pretty much have one side of it done packed and garbage separated.....yes the other side is a lot bigger with all the stacks of everything but we have made loads of progress.  Today I emptied out a couple of tubs, packed up the closet and am working on the kitchen.  Things are going well and there is no need for me to feel an...

Today has been an awesome day. I went to church with my sister for the first time in a long long long time.  It felt good to be there.  We are moving to her house so this will be my ward/congregation that we will go to.  I felt very welcome and very 'at ease' in her ward/congregation.  Church is normally 3 hours but I only stayed for one, but I am going to go to the whole thing next week.  Then I came home and we worked on packing up the basement some more, and the cook books in the kitchen.  We need tons more boxes if we are going to move :-)  So that's my task for tomorrow to find boxes.  Hopefully the local grocery stores will have some. I am quite proud of us we have been throwing a lot of junk away, stuff that we haven't used in the 4 years we have lived here.  It feels good to downsize, but still have quite a bit to go.  Things are going well.  Rob has a 4 day weekend this week so he will be able to do some packing.  ...

Sunday Stealing : Have You’s and What If’s! 1. Have you anything to confess today?   Not Really 2. have you ever broken a law? If so, what was it? Apparently I break one on a daily basis....it is illegal to store your prescriptions in anything other than there original container, I use the daily pill minders. 3. have you ever committed an act of betrayal against a friend or family member? explain.   The only thing I can think of is I told on my brother when he called the cops on me for texting him the day I tried to commit suicide.......he got into loads of trouble for a choice he made that day while I could have been dying in the hospital, but probably wouldn't have gotten the cops called on him had he NOT called the cops on me first.  It could possibly be a life changing event for him. 4. Has someone else done something that, to this day, makes you cringe when you think about them committing the act? . Someone I know is into nasty porn.....having been with my...

<----- This was a quote that we discussed in length during my partial hospitalization.  How you respond to certain situations is key.  For example, yesterday I got bit at work by 2 different dogs, one I worked with and was able to finish, the other one was so aggressive/mean/onery that there was no way that I could safely finish the dog.  I called his owners and informed them that he was having an extremely bad day and wasn't going to let me finish.  Now the owner could have gotten upset as she'd brought her dog to me 2x before and I had been able to finish him, however she was super nice about it, offered to pay me for at least his bath and rebooked in a few weeks to see if he would be having a better day.  Some dogs when they get super old just get super onery about the whole grooming process.  There have been a couple that I've had to tell them that there is no way that I can finish their dog safely and suggested that they take their dogs to a place...

Saturday 9: Live and Let Die 1) "Live and Let Die" was nominated for an Oscar as best song. Do you have a favorite movie song?  Anything from the Mama Mia musical movie.  But love Honey Honey the most 2) The latest Bond movie, Skyfall , is crazy successful. Have you seen it/do you want to see it?  I have not seen it yet but do want to. 3) What do you think makes Bond movies so enduringly popular?  The mystery of them, the action adventure, and just good looking spies :) 4) Do you have a favorite among the actors who have played "Bond, James Bond?"  The current one 5) Bond orders martinis -- "shaken, not stirred." What's your regular drink order? Diet Coke (I don't drink alcohol) 6) Moving from the bar to breakfast -- do you have a favorite cereal?   Corn Pops 7) Let's daydream about warm weather. Would you rather swim in a lake, the ocean, or an outdoor pool?  Outdoor Pool 8) Did you get 8 hours' sleep last nig...

I have always been a doubter of myself, doubter of my skills, doubter that I can keep a clean house etc etc etc, this list could go on and on.....but I have/am learning how to love myself for who I am and how to not doubt myself or my abilities.  Slowly but surely I am seeing that I can work on getting my house clean, and that I am a good groomer (comments from clients really helps too).  My counselor and I are working on techniques to boost my confidence levels as well. Rob and I had a quickie date night tonight.....we went to 5 Guys Burgers & Fries....so yummy, then we went to Maverick gas station and had some soft serve and icecream.  That was so nice and an unexpected surprise.  We are slowly climbing out of the money pit we fell into.  Which feels awesome.  Came home and are just snuggling and watching some old Dr Who (Well the newer Dr's) episodes.  It's one of my favorite shows.  Rob mentioned that he's had some movie tickets in his...

I am always trying to prove myself, but this quote struck a note in me....instead of trying to prove myself why not work on IMPROVING myself?  I am using the FLY Lady's methods of getting my house over CHAOS (Can't have anyone over syndrome), lots of work to be done, but am taking things slow and in baby steps.  So far so good and it's been over a week.  Just implementing one new 'routine' each day as part of the baby steps and it's helping. Today was a very stressful, high anxiety day for me at work, had 4 dogs who were really naughty, naughty dogs just drain me.  By naughty I mean they were wanting to lay down, they were pulling their legs away, trying to bite etc. It's exhausting when I have dogs who are so naughty.  I had to take an anxiety pill.  I don't know why but my anxiety lately is way up.  Gotta start remembering my 'tapping' and breathing exercises for my anxiety.  I have the tools I just have to use them.

I just wanted to follow up with how changing your thoughts can change your world.  If you have a positive attitude you can accomplish anything.  Case in point, yesterday was my day off, and I made the decision that I was going to crisis clean (15 minutes in 3 rooms then 15 min break) for as long as I could, and I basically did from 8am to 4pm, it feels great that I got so much accomplished.  I could have just done my 'norm' ad said "It's too overwhelming, it's too hard" but instead I just went for it.  I accomplished a lot got some dishes done, some laundry done, cleaned up some more in the kitchen, fully cleaned my main level bathroom, took out the garbage (which again was huge as I have anxiety about my neighbors seeing me with so much garbage), and worked on my living room. I'm reminded constantly of someone who was in the hospital at the same time as I was, we both suffered from depression and suicide attempts, however she chose to think bad though...

One of the hardest things for me is to accept and love myself for who I am.  I look in the mirror and see a fat blob.  Rob is really trying to get me to see past that, and has me telling myself I am beautiful almost every day.  I think it's helping, because even though I didn't put the whole repertoire of makeup on this morning I feel pretty.  Still fat but I feel pretty.  I am really trying I hate feeling like I do about myself.  I know I am a good person (my counselor wants me to eliminate the words Good/Bad from my vocabulary.  It's harder than I thought it would be. Today is my day off and I am actually dressed and working on the house.  Taking little breaks here and there.  I'm doing what is called 'crisis' cleaning according to Fly Lady.  The gist of it is you spend 15 minutes in 3 different rooms, then take a 15 minute break, and repeat the process.  I am amazed at how much I can accomplish in 15 minutes in each room....

I have noticed this is true.  I have changed one thing this week....I have shined my sink for 5 days in a row now, and it's becoming a habit to make sure the counters (the 3 that are cleaned off) remain cleaned off.  I am quite proud of myself, housework has never been easy for me.  But I want to make it a habit, want to continue following FlyLady  and her techniques.  Hopefully I will be able to get my house under control once more.   I am quite proud of the fact that I have been doing this.  Also working on Mt Washmore in my basement....trying to do 1 load per day.  Slowly but surely I'll get there. Looking back on the last 3 months, I've had my ups, I've had my downs, the important part is that I am still here, that I am still wanting to recover that I am still plugging along day by day, working to become a better me.  I see my therapist every other week, she really truly 'gets' me and I am grateful for that as she always seems to know...

The past few days my anxiety has been a little high, not sure why, I can't pinpoint it exactly but it has been.  Today we are making pizza for dinner, so I make the crust all up and get it cooking, then Rob was like "Did you cook the hamburger".....WHOOPS, so instead of letting it just go....I get upset at my stupid self for not making it happen.  It even moved me to tears :-(  DARN Anxiety. I love my sweetheart to pieces, he is so supportive, immediately told me "Don't" when I started beating myself up over a simple mistake.  I just love my baby so much.  He truly completes me and is there for me no matter what. Riding a bit of a roller coaster today....ready to cry for stupid reasons.  Good thing Rob is feeling awful lovey dovey today, he keeps hugging me and holding me and making it all better. As for my thought of the day, I have been saying Rob and I have been talking about moving for a while now, and it just feels like everything is fallin...

Sunday stealing  Who Are you? Part 7 – It is Over!  Part 7: Self Image 84. Describe the routine of a normal day for you:   I wake up at 6:00am, take a shower, get ready for the day, then I go downstairs and feed the critters, and make breakfast for hubby and I.  We usually leave the house by about 7:30ish and I drop my husband off at work.  Then I work (I'm a Pet Groomer) until about 3:30 or 4:00ish then I leave for home and go get my hubby from work.  Then I come home and make dinner, feed the critters, work on cleaning the house a little and we usually head to bed about 8:30ish or 9:00. 85. What is your greatest strength as a person?   I am a very compassionate and have a big heart 86. What is your greatest weakness?   Interrupting people when they are talking 87. Are you going to run for President in 2016?   Nope, I don't care about politics all that much 88. Are you generally self-contained? No, I do like to talk, except t...

Trying another new thing called Saturday 9, it can be found here:  http://samanthasaturday9.blogspot.com 1) Do you come up with your brightest ideas early in the morning or late at night?   I would say that I am most creative later in the evenings 2) Are you more likely to feel romantic at night or in the morning?  Depends on the day :-), but usually at night 3) Do you shower in the morning, after work or before bed?   I shower in the mornings, it helps wake me up 4) Billie Holiday was just 44 when she died. Is there an artist whose early demise surprised and saddened you?   Not an artist but Heath Ledger's death really shocked me and took me by surprise.  He is one of my all time favorite actors. 5) Billie was known as "Lady Day." Do you have a cool nickname? (If not, feel free to give yourself one right now.)   No cool nicknames, as a kid I was "Woodie or Fruitcake".....don't ask LOL 6) When was the last time you had the blues?   ...

Just what I needed to hear today.  I had a lot of wiggly naughty dogs today.  To the point I had to take an anxiety pill at work I was so on edge.  Things are really tight (financially wise) and if it wasn't for the coins that my sister Lara gave me for grooming her dogs yesterday, I wouldn't have enough gas to get to work tomorrow.  Between her coins and mine I cashed $34 :-)  WOOT WOOT!  Was able to pick up my Zyprexa, so I don't have to start all over, the walmart just south of us had it in stock, otherwise I would have had to wait until Tuesday. I think a lot of my life right now is getting broken down into stepping stones.  I know that like my cleaning etc, and my recovery, What seemed like a Mountain (my depression), is now seeming more like a hill, I am climbing to the top and want to stay on top, I love feeling this good, I love not crying on a daily basis, I love that my husband and I's relationship is getting stronger and stronger each ne...

So one of the helpful things my husband has been having me do is say "I'm Beautiful" often.  The first time he had me say it he literally had me scream it.  I felt like Josie in Never Been Kissed when she screams "I'm not Josie Grossie any more".  It was empowering and felt great to say.  Maybe if I keep saying it every day I will start to believe. So Rob and I have been talking about moving to somewhere cheaper for a few months now.  My sister Lara just got a job in Texas so she will be moving there and her house will be vacant, she has offered to let us live there.  It will be about $300 a month cheaper than what we are paying now.  The disadvantages is that a lot of Rob's aunts/uncles live in Bountiful, it's more of a commute for Rob, the house needs a lot of work before we would be able to move in.  It does have a brand new roof on the house and garage, and a new awning on the deck.  So we will be praying for guidance as to where we s...

Faith is the key to being successful In life, there will be inevitably obstacles to encounter . But don't worry that they will seem to great for you to handle, because you can. You may d oubt yourself at times, but know that if you have faith, you have everything. Faith is the key to being successful. I f you know you're capable of anything because of who you are , you will alwa ys reach your d estination.   It may not always be easy, but it will be worth it. Look a head, never behind. H ave Fait h in yourself. If you do, you will be a maz ed at what you can accomplish.       Part of re covery is having faith that things will get better, as I progress in my recovery I am amaz ed at ho w my husband and I's relat ion ship is progressing.  Things are so much better between us then the y were even just a few weeks ago.  We are growing closer both emotionally and physically which is definitely something our relationship needed. ...

Joy in the moments The most consistently miserable people are those who can’t be happy unless everything always goes their way. The most consistently happy and fulfilled people are those who decide to enjoy and make the best of whatever comes their way. It’s great to expect the best for yourself, because your expectations drive your reality. Yet life will deliver many unexpected twists, turns and disappointments on the way to fulfilling those expectations. Making yourself miserable about those disappointments and misfortunes won’t achieve anything positive. Stop and think how much more effective you would be if you could simply accept those disappointments and then move on past them. Expect the best, and make the most of the rest. That’s the quickest way to get where you’re going while finding plenty of joy in the precious moments along the way. Ralph Marston One of my toughest things is feeling good about my accomplishments no matter how little.  Yesterday...

Had an incredible visit with my counselor today.  I love how she just knows exactly what I need to hear.  We talked about my anxiety and she actually made me think of something that makes me anxious and got me all the way up to about an 8 being anxious about it, then talked about the EFT Tap method.  It is really cool.  Here is a video of it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxk7cVPEOXw Here it is: Step 1:  Locate the feeling in your body, give it a number on a scale of 0-10, label it (anxious, knots in stomach etc) Step 2:  Tap the side of your hand saying "Even though I have (anxiety, stress, etc), I totally and completely accept myself " Step 3:  Tapping:  7x each at the a) eyebrow b) crows feet c) under eye d) under nose  e) chin  f) collar bone g) arm pit  Step 4:  Tap at third eye, shut eyes, open eyes, keeping head straight look down to the right, then look down to the left, Hum (like oooooohhhhhhhhhmmmm...

I found something I thought I would give a try,  it's called 100 Questions and I found it here:  Sunday Stealing !  I kind of am jumping in in the middle of it, but here you go:  Get to know me a little better Part 3: Past 34. What do you consider the most important event of your life so far?  I would consider the day that I married my husband for time and all eternity the GREATEST and MOST important event of my life time. 35. What do you consider your greatest achievement? My greatest achievement...hmm that is a tough one, I would say that right now my greatest achievement is the fact that I am alive, that I am on the path to recovery and that I am getting the help that I need 36. What is your greatest regret?  The fact that I let myself go as far as my bipolar goes for 2 years, I really wish I could have a do-over, that I could make things that I did disappear and not happen. 37. What is the most evil thing you have ever done?  Seri...

I know I refer back to my partial hospitalization a lot, but that experience taught me so much.  It taught me to hope for a better future.  Taught me coping skills, taught me how to take things with a grain of salt.  It taught me (from listening to others) that I may have been through hell, but there are others out there just like me who have been through what I've been through or are going through it now.  I made the conscious decision to change my life.  I was scared pretty bad to go to partial hospitalization, thought they would want to keep me and lock the door and throw away the key.  It was so out of my 'realm'.  I am such an extremely shy person so having to spend the day with complete strangers was a bit out of my comfort zone....But what I learned from them has been invaluable.  I even managed to learn from a negative nancy who had already made the decision she wasn't going to live past October, that regardless of how bad things are, so...

As I get better and better as far as moods, and functionality go, I can see the light at the end of my tunnel.  A couple of months ago when I was beyond depressed and full of despair I wasn't sure there was a light at the end of the tunnel.  But the more and more I take my meds, have therapy and coping skills the more I see it is a big light :-)  My relationship with my husband is improving, things are definitely getting better between us.  YEAH!  I still cannot believe I almost lost the most important thing in my life....my husband.  Just goes to show what a horrible awful disease Bipolar is and how it can destroy those you care about when you don't have meds/therapy etc to have it taken care of. Today I did something good/kind for my oldest sister Lara.  She has a Skype job interview on Monday (we live in Utah and the job is in Dallas, Texas.  She wasn't quite sure how to use it etc, so I helped her get things set up and we used it a couple ...

So today I had 2 cats to groom, the owners told me that EVERY time one of them is groomed she is cut by the clippers (wound), and last time she was groomed somewhere they sliced her leg open bad enough she needed stitches......so that had me super anxious today at work.  But my dad came down and helped me (Cats are really tough to shave by yourself) and we came through the groom crystal clear no wounds :-)  The owner was very happy and even gave me a $30 tip!  Woot Woot!  She said they must like me because she was told repeatedly what a brat the boy was, he didn't give me any trouble.  So see my anxiety was for nothing. Rob (my husband) and I continue to work on our relationship, and are getting good use of our endorphins ;-)  Yeah I know TMI, but that is definitely one part of our relationship that definitely needs more work.  We are working on things.  Had a 'chinese' food date night tonight, and it was really good, and we had a great time j...