Shades of Sunshine

So today I was thinking about having the right tools for my job (I'm a pet groomer) and I don't know how I ever groomed for so long without my groomers helper.  It saved me again from getting bit by 2 Lhasa Apsos today (Lhasa's are known for their stubbornness and dislike of grooming).  It is so helpful.  It got me to thinking about how I need to have the right tools to control my disease.  I have all (okay most) of the right tools for my career such as clippers, blades, scissors, combs etc, why not make sure I have all the right tools for my condition? Here are my list of tools: 1-  Supplements (Neuroreplete, L-Theanine, L-Methionine, Lithium & Trace Minerals).  Why am I putting these as my #1 tool?  Because I honestly believe they are making the biggest difference. 2-  Medications (Zydas Zyprexa, Wellbutrin--weaning off, Seroquel and Trazadone), yep I'm on the big guns right now, but I visit with my shrink next week so we shall see wh...

So today was my first day back at work, and boy was it a busy day.  Thanks to Jen (my sister) for coming in and helping me.  We groomed 7 Shih Tzu's, Bathed and Tidy on 1, and 1 show shih tzu bath/brushout....then I fed and changed pads on the shop dogs.  I am very proud of myself as I killed a HUGE (50cent piece sized) wolf spider today.....crushed it with a dog food bowl lol!  A Magical Fairy delivered some awesome stuff for me at work today......A Groomers Helper (have been wanting one forever), which is basically a 'safety' tether that keeps dogs from walking/wandering all over the table, and saved me from getting bit today when I was trimming nails....woot woot!  Then Jen got a free pair stainless steel comb blades for the cordless clippers, she already had some so she gave them to me....AWESOME!  The cordless clippers can get in legs and such much easier, so it's going to make grooming that much easier.  So today went very well, no panicking be...

Today I decided to tackle my pantry a little more.....got the 3 top shelves done on all 3 sides of my pantry....still have 2 more shelves and the floor.  It feels great...it was a lot of work, cleaning the shelves, sorting through stuff.  I don't know how but Rob and I like to accumulate appliances....even threw some of those out that don't work. Someone asked me what natural methods I have found or that my Dr recommended for me to deal with my anxiety.  I can be a highly anxious person, and my therapist said that with all the trauma/events in my past and not properly dealing with them, it's no wonder I have anxiety.  I was quite proud of myself today though.  I am going through Chapter 13 Bankruptcy (due to my outrageous spending spree) and today was my confirmation hearing.  I didn't panic, freak out or play my normal 'what if' game that I do.  I did feel a little panic coming up when I had to take the stand, but I did some of the breathi...

I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUTURE MAY HOLD, BUT I KNOW WHO HOLDS THE FUTURE .   ~ Rev. Ralph Abernathy This quote came in my e-mail from FLYLady today.  I love it.  all it takes is that first step.  Whether it be the first step of getting help/counseling, the first step to a cleaner house etc. "To take the first step in faith, you don't have to see the whole staircase: just take the first step." Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.      Today I met with my counselor for the first time.  I was a little nervous, but I am so happy my insurance company found her for me.  She is going to be awesome.  She does the CBT (Cognitive Behavrior Therapy) You can learn more about it here:  http://www.nacbt.org/whatiscbt.htm   Which is something that I have been researching and have wanted to do.....like several months ago, but my procrastinating butt......didn't do anything about it.  She gave me some handouts, and I even hav...

Wow!  What a powerful statement.  And so true.  My thoughts are what got me into this latest mess, and my lack of communication with my husband (which I am working on).  I am working on the house today some more, little by little it is getting cleaner, and one day it will be CLEAN.  I am going to use FLYLady's techniques to keep it clean.   http://www.flylady.net/d/getting-started/   She has some awesome ways to break it down and keep it more manageable and yes, I have attempted to use her methods SEVERAL times and I have always failed because I gave up, or didn't make it a priority to keep it going.  This time it is for REAL and I am going to keep it going.  I HAVE To, I am so tired of tripping over containers or having to squeeze by in the kitchen because I have stacks of garbage etc.  Yes I am putting it all out there.  Yesterday Rob and I filled his trunk and his back seat with garbage sacks that were waiting to go out.  I...

There is NOTHING more powerful than your,INNER STRENGTH,It is there, even if you don't feel it now, it is there,It can and does CONQUER anything, maybe not in the time frame you would like it to, but IT DOES,Delete all the non sense you have been led to believe about yourself, know who you are, know what you stand for and then STAND TALL ~ STAND PROUD ~!-Bhawna (borrowed from  https://www.facebook.com/YourMentalHealth  ) I could dwell on the past but as one of my counselors said Depression is Living in the Past Anxiety is Living in the Future and Happiness is living in the Now Honestly I could let myself stay in a depression, not take my pills, and continue in my downward spiral but what is that really going to teach me?  What will I have gained from this whole experience.  But I have learned that I don't like feeling that way, I LOVE The way I am feeling now, HAPPY, HEALTHY, and FULL OF LIFE, why on earth would I want to go back to being depressed, ho...

One of my biggest issues is getting overwhelmed by looking at things as a whole instead of breaking them down into more manageable tasks.  Case in point, my house, I would get so overwhelmed by the whole big mess that it would just throw me into a depression and make me feel worthless.  So in my partial hospitalization therapy (which ended on Thursday), a person said that "The only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time" Wow!   What a powerful statement!  No matter what obstacles you may face or how overwhelmed you may be by stuff....you have to take it one bite at a time.  This approach has really helped me in my house cleaning etc.  Today I got so much accomplished, we made a garbage run (our dumpsters are down the street), I cleaned and vacuumed the hallway (not completely but much better), cleaned the main floor bathroom, did 2 loads of dishes by dishwasher and 2 loads of dishes by hand.  I also cleaned/scrubbed the floor in a corner by ...

Two frogs fell into a deep cream bowl,  One was an optimistic soul; But the other one took a gloomy view, "I shall drown, he cried, "and so will you." So with a last despairing cry, he closed his eyes and said "Good-bye" But the other frog, with a merry grin said "I can't give out but I won't give in! I'll swim around till my strength is spent.   For having tried, I'll die content." Bravely he swam until it would seem His struggles began to churn the cream. On the top of the butter at last he stopped And out of the bowl he happily hopped. What is the moral?  It's easily found If you can't get out --keep swimming around! This is one of my all time favorite poems.  I had it on the wall when I was grooming for my dad, I found it in the kitchen today on a chair.  It really hit home as one of the other people in our group just won't give an effort to make changes in her way of thinking of a...

As part of my therapy I had to write an autobiography......that is some scary stuff right there!  I had to be truthful and honest, so if I hurt anyone in writing it, I apologize right now for it.  It is quite lengthy so bear with me: I was born on September 25, 1977 in SLC, Utah. I am the 4 th child of 6, I have 2 older sisters and an older brother, and 2 younger brothers. I blocked out a lot of my childhood so don't have a ton of memories of it. I do remember having a white cat named Snowball whom was the light of my life, I loved that cat to pieces. One day when I was still potty training, I had caught Snowball, he was a bit of a reclusive cat so was hard to catch. I didn't want to lose him so I put him in a cooler while I went potty, then I forgot where I had put him. We found him a month later. It was not intentional and it was my first experience losing something I love. I remember going to my Grandparents ranch in Evanston, Wyoming. I spent some we...

Yesterday they had us say 3 things we were grateful for... 1-  To be alive (Things could have been so different......) 2-  My husband (his support, his job, his love, his concern, and yes his money :-) 3-  The program I am going through (it has been life changing) Today I am grateful for my husbands amazing job, the people are so concerned, caring etc.  His boss passed on a wonderful website that has already helped me, and I really appreciate it.  It led me to be able to see that the therapist I will be going to has gone through some testing etc to make sure she's what the insurance company sets their guidelines to be.  Found out my old psychiatrist is covered under my insurance.....just not sure I want to go back there.....still deciding on that.  I am also VERY grateful to my neighbor who found my husband wallet in our parking lot and picked it up.  That could have been so disastrous.  This morning my little 'baby bird' Munch...

Every day after each group (so like 5 times per day) we huddle up in a circle with our arms around each other, and we say the Serenity Prayer.  Very powerful.  Also we say "Keep Coming Back, Cause it Works when I work it", again powerful.  Today we had our 'spirituality' group and it was AWESOME, and a real eye opener.  Here is some of what I learned: Spirituality is NOT the same thing as religion.  Although religion may be a valid way of expressing and experiencing spirituality they are not the same thing.  Spirituality is personal.  Your experience or journey is not necessarily like that of others.  What works for you to get in touch with your spirit or Higher Power may not be what works for someone else.  Spirituality is about accepting that we, others, and life is both good, and bad.  We will miss the journey, it's benefits, and the opportunity to experience the divine if we are seeking perfection. Spirituality is that whi...

In continuation from my last post, here are some more things I learned from Jasepe: Give it to God and Let Go! Again powerful stuff, too often I forget that I have my Higher Being on my side that he will take my burdens upon him self and lighten my load Wizard of Oz vs. Alcoholic's Anonymous Say what?  How cool was this analogy, that our addictions, depression etc is like the tornado ripping through the lives of the ones we love, I'm sure Rob can attest I have been like a tornado, or a poisonous snake and he has never known when I am going to or when I will strike....biting his head off, ripping him a new one, snapping at him like a snapping turtle.     He compared Glinda to being the AA Sponsor (or in my case my mental health sponsor) and that she had to follow the yellow brick road (12 steps), she met the Scarecrow that had no brain, the Tin Man who had no heart, then in 30 days she med the Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!, and met the Lion with no coura...

This is the book that the hospital "social worker' recommended to me, and I love it!  Buy it online as it was $26 at Barnes & Noble.  It totally has awesome ideas on how to change your way of thinking which is totally cool.  I have so much to cover today, so there might be 2 or 3 posts today :-)  I had an awesome day at therapy.  The Abilify continues to make my stomach upset, and I worshipped the porcelain gods twice today during therapy :-(  Which SUCKS because they have to 'buzz' the day people out to use the bathroom.  Right now they are a little disorganized which sucks....and I BARELY made it the 2nd time....but that's okay.  I was able to talk to the Dr today, it was a different one than the one I saw last week, she was more 'interested' in the right drug for the symptoms, not just a 'bipolar' drug.  So we talked for a while, and I cried (wearing my emotions on my sleeve today), and she determined that I needed the "big guns" s...

Saw this on a facebook thread and I love it!  Smiling always makes you feel better.  I am having a bit of a rough day, have not been able to hold anything down since last night, water, soda, anything :-(  I feel like crap, but am trying to be positive, as this too shall pass, it is just very very hard.  Part of me wonders if I may have an ulcer as having stomach pains as well, but it could just be coincidence.  But I was fine until I added the Abilify.  I even took it last night instead of this morning as I didn't like the drowsy effects of it.  I hope this passes soon as this bites.  I will be talking to the Dr tomorrow to tell her how I am feeling. I have been a little bit productive on the house today, was able to get 3 loads of dishes done in the dishwasher and even got a couple loads done by hand, but because of the way I am feeling other than that, Rob and I have just been snuggling and watching tv/movies.  I love that he is so s...

This has really been in my mind the past few days.  "Do or Do Not.  There is no try".  EXACTLY.  I can either take my pills or I can't, there is no "I will try to take my pills"  I will or will not go to therapy, there is no try.  See how that changes the way you think of things?  I love it. So was sitting there listening to them giving advice to the Alcoholics that are graduating from the program and they were saying that they need to go to 90 meetings in 90 days, which got me to thinking....man I wished there were meetings for Mental people LOL, for Bipolar people.....and I did a google search and found some, that even have local chapters.  Heres the links for anyone who is looking: http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=Your_Local_NAMI&Template=/CustomSource/AffiliateFinder.cfm or this one: http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=peer_landing to find local chapters.  I am excited to have found this as I would love...

So my husband and I have started the path to recovery of our relationship, and he said something interesting today....he said that he is going to be gun shy for a bit as he has been "walking on egg shells" to avoid me grumping, growling, hissing, spitting, huffing etc when he asks me to do something or says something that upsets me.  My poor dear sweet Rob.  I love him more than life itself, he completes me, I can't imagine what hell he must have been going through with this.  I am just glad that he has stuck around and put up with my crap (no one should have to put up with that) and it means the world to me.  On a positive note, we are getting back to normal, I am starting to tickle him in public (he likes to 'tease' me or egg me on, or says things that just get him tickled LOL!), we were at Sam's Club tonight and I said something about how I was feeling and he said "yeah, at least you are back to tickling".  I love that man! So as far as the...

Today was a very hard day for me.  I have a comfort zone and I don't like to get out of it AT ALL, I am happy being the shy, withdrawn softspoken person I am.  I don't like to meet new people and I certainly don't like telling strangers my 'junk'.  So today I was super nauseated this morning, turns out my amino-acids/neurotransmitters are so low that they are in shock basically from getting them like they need them now.  My husband called the Dr today and they said that in normal cases they would 'ease' me into them, but because of the severity of my issues, that is not an option, so I just have to deal with the nausea.  Joy for me!  So I went to start my partial therapy today.  I sat around for 45 minutes, then they came and had me sign a bunch of consent/release forms and then they had the business people come and tell me that my insurance has estimated they will pay about 100% of my treatment (woot woot.....that's $1500 I don't have to come up wit...