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Taking that step

Today was a very hard day for me.  I have a comfort zone and I don't like to get out of it AT ALL, I am happy being the shy, withdrawn softspoken person I am.  I don't like to meet new people and I certainly don't like telling strangers my 'junk'.  So today I was super nauseated this morning, turns out my amino-acids/neurotransmitters are so low that they are in shock basically from getting them like they need them now.  My husband called the Dr today and they said that in normal cases they would 'ease' me into them, but because of the severity of my issues, that is not an option, so I just have to deal with the nausea.  Joy for me!  So I went to start my partial therapy today.  I sat around for 45 minutes, then they came and had me sign a bunch of consent/release forms and then they had the business people come and tell me that my insurance has estimated they will pay about 100% of my treatment (woot woot.....that's $1500 I don't have to come up with).  Then they take me back to the 'hospital' part and I sat there for a while the nurse took my vitals, my BP was high (imagine that), then had me go sit in a waiting room....that was intimidating....lots of strange people, people asking me questions etc.  Then a nurse took me back to get my history, and then back into the room where they told someone that I was new to their group, and a couple of guys took me under their wing and helped me out so much!  They showed me around, we ate lunch together then we had group.  It was pretty good, it was eye opening to me, to realize that my problems are/were insignificant as to what others have been through/going through.  One of the counselors said everyone has 2 dogs inside them (of course this analogy got my attention) a black dog (bad thoughts etc) and a white dog (good thoughts etc), it's your choice which dog you feed each day.  Totally awesome and I LOVE IT!  Also that being Bipolar is much like being an alcoholic, the disease will always be there, and it will get worse over time, it is just your choice to get on the road to recovery and stay there (therapy, counseling, medications etc)......that clicked in my head today.  I have to say that today was the first day in a long day that the thought to just drive off the side of the hill (point of the mountain) has not entered my head and it is liberating!  It felt so great not to have that dark thought.

Just wanted to clarify something for my mom :-)  Jon's whole wedding and drama certainly added to my stress but it was like the ant on the mole hill.  The reason behind what I did was I was in emotional pain, I felt worthless, no good, felt like I was phsyically unattractive, and just plain depressed.  I couldn't clean or keep a clean house, always was making Rob upset or sad (by not having a sex drive), and just unhappy with who I was.  So yeah Jon may have added stress, but honestly I was not upset enough about him tearing your and dad's hearts out to end my life.  Again I wasn't trying to end my life, just wanted to escape the pain.  Yes I was upset about what he did, I think it was despicable, but not enough to kill myself over.....he's not worth that much to me at this point and time.

I am feeling good.  I love how this experience has broken the doors down between Rob and I, yes there were doors between us, but mostly because of trust issues because of something I did financially to him.  I don't blame him, and it put a huge wall between us physically, I'm glad that the door is at least open now :-)  Glad that I don't feel so guilty, worthless etc.  I am on the right track and will get there one day.  I can start to see the rays of sunshine in the rainy clouds..........

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