Shades of Sunshine

Hi my name is Heather and I am an addict......Diet Coke....is my poison.  I have quit so many times it isn't even funny, but I HAVE to have it, I'm seriously addicted.  I decided to research the affects of it as I have had aspartame poisoning before (according to my Dr.).  I have been drinking more and more, and its like my drug, I have to have it to start my day, much like those who drink coffee (blech, can't even stand the smell of that).  I have noticed today that my pinky finger is tingling again which indicates the aspartame is poisoning me again.......Here are some of the symptoms:  http://www.livestrong.com/article/29349-symptoms-aspartame-poisoning/   I guess I need the 12 step program for Diet Coke.....seriously.  I don't want to get MS or something more serious.  I have to be strong.  I drink more of it when I'm stressed or anxious which in turn makes me more stressed and anxious from the effects of the caffeine.  I am going to...

Today was a rather slow day at work, only had 4 dogs to groom.  My sister Lara invited me to lunch, so her, my mom and I went to 5 Guys Burgers & Fries, it was really good, and I was a good girl and didn't eat the bun :-)  It was really good food, and the lunch helped boost my mood.  My sister offered to come up on Monday to my house and help me clean my house since she knows that it is sort of a sore subject with Rob and I (not so much since my incident), but it was a big sore spot.  My dad is going to come up with his truck as well so we can really de-junk some clutter.  I think it was very nice of Lara to offer to do that.  She too is Bipolar, however she seems to be doing really good and seems really happy lately.   So overall today was a pretty great day, and my mood was pretty decent.  YAY! I had surgery on my pinky toe on my left foot last november for a bone spur, and I'm afraid it has grown back, my toe is swollen and very tender, i...

So have been feeling rather depressed today, not sure why, but I just have.  Had weird thoughts (like was at the gas station and everyone was buying cigarettes and I thought that sounds good) What the HECK?  I only smoked for about 3 months back in 1996 (and yes I have the asthma lung damage to prove it) why on earth was I having that weird thought?  I can't even stand the smell of cigarette smoke, it makes me want to puke, so I have NO idea where that twisted thought came from.  I guess that is the prerogative of my messed up bipolar mind.  Sometimes being bipolar really sucks lemons!  But as the thought says, when life hands you lemons, make lemonades. I  was feeling down, my parents came to see me (bring a dog back to the shop and bring me some Halloween bandannas) and my older sister Lara invited me to lunch tomorrow.  My older sister Jennifer (also my "sponsor") calls me EVERY day.  I can't tell her how much that means to me, I look ...

Today is my 35th Birthday.  Do I feel older?  Do I feel different?  Not in the least, it was just another day in my book.  Spent literally the day crying and having a pity party for myself.  Why you might ask? Because I am bipolar and that's what I do when I am feeling depressed, really I have no idea, only thing I can think of is the fertility bug....another year older, no kids to show for it, it makes me feel like a failure.  Like I don't deserve to have kids because I am an awful person.....trust me we (my therapist) and I are working on my self esteem and my confidence.  It just sucks!  I did have over 50 people post on my facebook page (if ever you don't feel loved visit your facebook page on your birthday).  That made my day.  For once I would love to have a birthday where something didn't go wrong, and it was a special day all the way around.  Gotta love my hubby he called me in the afternoon and oh BTW, Happy Birthday :-P...

I apologize for not posting for the last couple of days, my hubby hasn't felt very well so have spent my time loving him better.  We had a very relaxing weekend just snuggling and watching Medium & Alpha.  Both are really good shows. Every week when I refill my medicine it brings me such an accomplished feeling.  I went from having a 3 month supply of meds last me 2 years to having to refill supplements/meds once a month because I haven't missed a dose.  Even when I haven't felt like taking them (which has only been one or two times) I still force (I don't know if that's the right word) myself to take them.  It's becoming a habit, something I don't even have to think about and it feels AWESOME!  Go ME! I met with my counselor today and it was emotional draining we opened the door on my past, but ran out of time to talk about it.  I was so drained and tired after my session.  She gave me a book to read  called "An Unquiet Mind" by Ka...

Each of us has something broken in our lives: A broken promise, a broken dream, a broken marriage, a broken heart; And we must decide how we're going to deal with our brokenness. We can wallow in self-pity or regret, accomplishing nothing a nd having no fun or joy in our circumstances; Or we can determine with our will to take a few risks, get out of our comfort zone, and see what God will do to bring unexpected delight in our time of need. ~ Lucy Swindoll I hate driving in traffic with a passion.  Especially with the whole Green Jello Effect.....let me explain.  Whenever there is a car off the road be it because they are broken down or an accident or what have you, the rest of traffic HAS to slow down.  My philosophy is because they are checking to see if they know the person to see if they need to take them some green jello later. :-)  It's true!  It drives me batty.  Today we all had to come to a complete stop because someone was changing a s...

I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel....maybe :)  Had a better day today.  Hand hurts like the dickens where the bird bit me, but I did 9 grooms today (which is quite a few).  People loved them.  I have had very few complaints, and the main ones aren't really legitimate they just complain to complain. I have found my 'pick me up' music.....(Rob plug your ears the may be assaulted), the soundtrack to Mamma Mia.... I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it!  I was so tickled to find that when they gutted my car when it was repossesed, they didn't take my CD out of the cd player.  I have been listening to it non stop in the car.  It totally re-energizes me and puts me in a good mood.  It reminds me of my dad as well as he used to always have spunky music like ABBA playing.  Good times :).  I have been listening to it on my ipod at work as well (well I forgot my ipod today).  It helps boost my mood. Tonight I went to dinner and a mov...

"Life is always balanced. For every breakdown, there’ll always be a breakthrough. You just have to keep the faith." Today has been a rough day.  I had 8 grooms, 3 belong to some little old ladies, who every time I groom them they find something wrong with them.....when in fact there really isn't anything wrong they are just picky.  They want a 'straight' line defined yet blended...um okay....you can have one or the other....Then a client got upset because we wouldn't squeeze their dog in today.....I had 8 that is about my limit for quality grooms.  Then my boss had to leave early so he asked me to feed the bird....well that didn't go so well, she took a chunk out of my thumb (you know that REALLY sensitive area between thumb and first finger).  It was pretty deep, luckily my dad came down to check it to see if I needed stitches, he glued it.  But it's a pretty nasty bite, it hasn't stopped bleeding....not gushing or anything.  Then I was suppos...

Believe in yourself, in your vision for your future and in your ability to take a small step each day toward achieving your vision. - Jonathan Lockwood Huie I have an unhealthy relationship with food.  I tend to eat bigger portions than I should.  8 years ago I lost over 60# doing the lean for life diet, and I want to do that again.  I want my husband to join me on this journey, we both need to for our health.  So eating healthier it is for me :).  I am an emotional eater.  I get upset I stuff my face with food, I am nervous/anxious I pick in whatever I can find.  I weighed in at 222.0# today, yes it is TOM so I have water weight, but I am so disgusted with myself today, that I gave up, I lost almost 20# while Rob was out of town in March/April.....and when he got back, I gave up essentially.  I want to have children almost more than anything in the world, I don't see that happening in my current weight.  We have been trying for 7 &...

So have been riding a bit of a roller coaster the past few days.  Crying for no reason okay not really no reason, just not 'good' reasons.  I think I must have jinxed myself about my time of the month.  Rob has been awesome as usual. Last night we sat together we sat together at our kitchen table and made jewelry.  I think part of it was triggered by my lawyer calling me telling me what the trustee's need before I go back to court for my case next week.  Kind of got me a little anxious.  They are wanting our first and last born child I swear.  This is in regards to my bankruptcy case.  They are hung up on the fact that we are an above median income case yet have no money......well when you spend $500 a month in medications and supplements (yep I added it up and that's how much it is).......and have to eat gluten and sugar free which is not cheap it doesn't make having money very easy.    So trying not to let things overwhelm me. ...

<------- So true!  I hated my life about a month ago.  The whole experience was a huge wake-up call to me about the importance of taking my supplements and medication.  I can't believe I let myself go for so long without.  I am grateful for the experience as it has been a huge life lesson for me.  I went and picked up my Neuroreplete ($80 a month) supplement today as I emptied a bottle!  Which feels awesome!  I decided a month ago that I wanted to change, I wanted to feel better and get out of the huge slump I was in.  So glad I made the right decision.  So was getting my supplements and medication costs for both Rob and I ready for my attorney (for Ch 13 Bankruptcy for me) and holy cow!  Depressing.....$500 in meds and supplements for the both of us.  GRATEFUL for awesome insurance as some of my meds would be $600 a month without.  Incredibly grateful for my husbands job, that provides incredible benefits.  I got my ...

What an adventurous day.  Took my car to Big O Tires first thing this morning.  They tell me my flat isn't fixable and I need a new tire on my right front because the tire had a bubble in it....Qt'd my like $230 for 2 new tires, they don't have any 15's used as those aren't common tires....WTH?  So told them I couldn't afford it and was going to take my car back to Glens Tires.  So took my car to Robs work and took his car to work, then on my way home stopped and picked up my car, drove it 40mph to Glen's Tires who fixed the 2 holes in my tire for $15 and replaced the front tire as I had a 30 day warranty on it.  Woot Woot!  They just won our tire business for life.  Thank Heavens!  I still maintained my cool even though Big O tried to rip me off.  I love what my supplements/meds/therapy is doing for me!  I'm not an emotional basket case all the time, not crying more than smiling and able to maintain a cool/level head in an emergency,...

Today I had a huge milestone!  On my way home from work today, I got a flat tire.  A year ago I had a flat tire on my way to work.  When I called Rob last year I was a mess, hysterically crying, panicking, freaking out.....today I maintained a level head, didn't panic, freakout or cry.  I called roadside assistance and they sent someone to change my tire. So proud of myself.  This is huge!  I had a crisis and didn't freak!  Go me! Oh we do have a new family member....Lil Annie is going to be staying here with us.  I am so glad.  She is such a sweet girl, and she deserves a good life of retirement.  She is such a good girl, better house trained than my chihuahua Zoey who is almost 7 years old. Sorry for the short post....going to spend some much needed time with my honey bunny.

Met with the counselor today.  She was extremely helpful, we started on Cognitive Behavior Training and it was so helpful.  For those who don't know about 10+ years ago I was driving in a severe rain storm and was probably driving a little too fast, when a semi truck passed me in the fast lane and for whatever reason a sheet of water came down and slammed into my car and made me do a 180 on the road, my car stopped literally an inch from oncoming traffic.  SCARY.  Ever since them I have had extreme anxiety driving in the rain if I see semis.   Right after it happened I literally would pull off the side of the road if I saw a semi-truck coming up behind me.  I have done a little better recently with it.  My counselor made me realize that I have some PTSD regarding that incident.  I had an incident last week with Rob, we were driving in the rain, it was pounding down and I got a little anxious about it, and had to take an anxiety pill.  W...

I am reading a book "Too Soon Old Too Late Smart" by Gordon Livingston MD in one chapter he is talking about how he has people wanting to get medications.  Here is what he tells them:   The good news is that we have effective treatments for the symptoms of depression; the bad news is that medication will not make you happy.  Happiness is not simply the absence of despair.  It is an affirmative state in which our lives have both meaning and pleasure.   He goes on to say that Medication is seldom enough.  He says we are always talking about what we want, what we need, what we intend.  He goes on to say that These are dreams and wishes and are of little value in changing our mood.  Here is the profound part, we are not what we think or what we say, or how we feel.   We are what we do .  The 3 components of happiness are something to do, something to love, and something to look forward to.  Think about it if we have useful work, sustain...

Love this thought!  I have been battling with my depression forever, and feeling like crap forever, however I chose to finally admit it, accept it, and get the help that I need.  I am taking my pills EVERY day, twice a day, which is like a miracle, it's been almost a month that I have been taking them.....I'm so proud of myself.  It's quite the accomplishment.  Next week I will be picking up some more Neuroreplete....I will have actually gone through an entire bottle of it 240 capsules.... :-)  Woot Woot!  Go me!  SO this weekend we have a house guest....Annie she is a 10 & 1/2 year old pekingese. She is a retired AKC Champion and is from my friends line of pekingese.  She doesn't act like she is that old, she acts like a puppy, especially when squeaky toys are involved.  I will have to take a video as she is way darn cute with them.  We are thinking of adopting her into our family. So the book I am reading (The Feeling Good Ha...

Just like You wouldn't drink toilet bowl cleaner as it's toxic, you shouldn't allow 'toxic' people or places into your lives to destroy your thoughts.  I had a previous co-worker contact me yesterday, and I got in a bad place (vengeance, he deserves this or that, he needs to go down, I hate etc) and it took Rob bringing me out a container of toilet bowl cleaner and telling me to drink it, to open my eyes and realize how toxic this girl is.  She got one of my friends fired from the vet, as well as she set up someone by leading them on etc.....any how, I was texting her back and forth last night, but Rob made me realize that she was making me not be the person I am.  She has that effect on people.  So I made a pro-active step and blocked her number out of my phone.  Her problems are her problems, she made her bed the way she wanted it, she has to deal with it and lie in it.  All the bad feelings she brought back up to the surface are definitely something I ...

No I don't have voices in my head other than thoughts or feelings on occasion....so no I don't hear people or things that aren't there so to speak.  Rob and I were talking about it as on his way home he usually takes the frontage road from the last exit to our house as it's always mega backed up on the freeway.  Anyways today he had a 'bad' feeling about the frontage road, and while he was driving on the freeway saw the wind blow a metal piece from a Billboard onto the frontage road....right when he would have passed it, so it's a good thing he listened to that feeling.  Then we got to talking how you should follow feelings, and Rob said "except the ones that tell you to take a bunch of pills"  I don't know how I got so lucky, I didn't even pass out from it.  I agree, don't list to the bad voices/feelings.  In a weird way I am grateful that I had the 'shock' and wakeup call, otherwise I wouldn't be where I am today.  Rob sai...

You are an unfinished work in progress. One of the good things about life’s challenges: You get to find out that you’re capable of being far more than you ever thought possible. Karen Salmansahn As you can tell, I love quotes, motivational things etc.  I love this, as I have been through a lot of challenges in my life.  As I heard once that your challenges whittle you into the person you are, how you handle them is also a big part of it.  My husband was in a car accident today in his work parking lot.  He has been struggling with his depression and he handled it really well, I am proud of him.   He didn't get upset, or maime the guy (LOL j/k), he handled it very smoothly.  Way to go babe.          The grooming fairy (my sister) visited me again....this time she brought me super cute bows for the dogs hair.  I put some in the last dog I groomed today and her owner absolutely loved her.  She gave me a good tip t...

Just have to vent a little.....took Shellie my golden retriever up with me to get the mail. Neighbors out front having a pow wow with a bunch of toddlers/little kids who the instant I go outside swarm Shellie....well of course she knocked one down so mom gets mad at me, and I tell her "You need to teach your kids not to run up to strange dogs, she could be aggressive". Then on my way back another swarm (same crowd) come up to her and I tell them, "she doesn't need petted she's too excited right now". Man people teach your kids some dog safety....good thing her only issues is being too exciteable and knocking them down. What if she could have bit them in the face? Here are some quotes/poems that I found that I really love. "You know you have the potential to become what you wanted to become, that happens only when you begin to focus your mind, heart and soul to be at your best." This is such an awesome quote.  It applies so much.  It hit h...

A Ring I made So one of the things that Rob did for part of my recovery is he bought me a whole lot of jewelry making supplies (enough to fill a large tackle box), and so I have been creating some jewelry.  Here is some of it. Today was a hard day for me, I was 'riding a roller coaster' full of emotions.  I cried, laughed, was a little grumpy with my sweet hubby and was just plain frustrated.  I was making jewelry and ended up spilling a huge thing of beads in my carpet. Nothing was going right.  I finally took a Klonazepam, 'mouse balls' aka homeopathic remedies and did my breathing exercises, and things got better.  Yesterday my family got together as my brother Danny and his family were here visiting from Canada.  I can't believe how big his kids are.  His oldest who is 14 & 1/2 is already taller than me.  It was nice to see everybody, but for whatever reason family get togethers stress me out.  Probably because I feel like an out...

 Today we had a thunderstorm, and there was a small rainbow.  It got me to thinking that my 'storm' was my event a few weeks ago, and now the storm is clearing and things are looking bright (rainbow).  As you can tell I LOVE analogies.  I am doing extremely well.  I did have a bit of anxiety, but not an attack while we were driving in the rain (stems from being ran off the road in a rain storm 15+ years ago by a semi truck), but I did my breathing exercises and was fine.  Things are really looking up, I feel great and am getting more accomplished both at home and at work, and feeling generally great.  I heard some news from the previous place I worked (the vet) and it really sounds like things are going to hell in a handbasket (pardon my language), but it's the truth. I am glad that I got out when I did, from the sounds of it, they aren't going to be in business much longer.    I love my new job as a Pet Groomer, today I got to do a 'comb'...