Shades of Sunshine

Well we did it, went in for my scan on Saturday and I had 5 really good follicles on my ovaries: 26, 23, 21,17, 16 and a few under 10.  They like them to be 18 for triggering, well the most dominant one.  So I had a really really good response to the Clomid.  Which is good to know for the future.  So we went and picked up the trigger shot (makes you ovulate) and Rob gave it to me Saturday night right before bed.  We had IUI (Intra-uterine insemination) yesterday morning.  To say these were the worst Ovulation cramps I have ever felt is an understatement.  All day sunday and yesterday, even hurt my tummy to laugh.  But it will be worth it if we get a sticky bean.  It's going to be a very long 2 weeks (how long to wait until pregnancy test).  The trigger shot is HCG which also shows positive on a pregnancy test so a lot of women start testing early so they can test it out so when they get a BFP (Big Fat Positive) they know it's for real....

As everything falls into place for us to finally get pregnant (hopefully, fingers crossed), I have so many mixed emotions.  A baby is going to change the dynamics of my hubby and I's relationship.  Things will be different.  We have a good thing going (finally now that I am on medications for my Bipolar/Anxiety) and I don't want to ruin that.  But I finally feel like it is 'our' time to get pregnant and the time is right to have children.  I know Rob (my husband) is going to make one incredible dad, I have seen him with babies before and I have seen how he is with our various fur children.  He's going to be great.  Although still trying to get him to budge on the fact that he thinks because he helped with nieces and nephews he won't get stuck with diaper duty.....yeah don't think that is going to fly buddy.  I know that being a mom is going to be difficult, especially with my Bipolar/Anxiety/Depression, but I feel like I've finally found the combi...

Is he not the cutest little kitten you have ever seen?  Holy Smokes aka Little Buddy is 4 weeks old now.  He purrs non stop and is just the sweetest, most adorable baby in the universe.  I love fostering kittens......except I am getting super attached to this little guy.  It's hard not to.  He also does face nuzzles (rubs his face on your chin/face) like our cat Raven does.  It's just so sweet. So I had my cycle day 3 ultrasound on Thursday and boy was I shocked with the results.  Everything was normal, no cysts even on my ovaries (I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovaries back in 2002), but you can have the PCOS without having cysts on your ovaries and I have a lot of other symptoms.  So it wasn't the 1st Dr that I saw it was a different one as my Dr wasn't in.  She started me on Clomid to help me release more eggs when I ovulate.  Scheduled a follow up ultrasound on Day 12 which is next saturday to see how I responded to the Clomid. ...

This quote hit me hard today.  Things have been rocky lately, and 'windy' if you will, but it's up to me to change the direction of my life, it's up to me to choose to be happy and to pull out of this depression I have been in.  I can adjust the sails and make different choices to have a different destination. Met with my therapist today.  We talked about my depression.  He told me what an inspiration I was as far as how far I have come since I started seeing him in January (I think that's when I started) as well as my weight loss.  He said I should find a sponsor or an app to give me money for losing so much weight :)  We talked about how my sense of being overwhelmed is from taking on too much responsibility, that I need help.  I tend to just do things instead of waiting for help or asking for help.  I have lists and lists of things that need to be done and I tend to do them myself instead of getting help, this goes mainly for things around ...

<<<<<<<<<<< Love this and am going to take this approach....brutal honesty :)  So this morning I weighed in at 148.0#.  Which is far from my lowest weight in this journey and I gained 5# this weekend.   I have a harder time on the weekends.   I don't know if it's boredom or what but something has to change.   My hubby and I were talking last night and he was telling me how he does better diet wise when I am sticking on plan better.   That's all the motivation I needed to hear.   My hubby has a lot of weight to lose and has  been losing slowly.   His doctor wants him to go on insulin but he doesn't want to.   He had been bringing his A1C levels down some.   He is diabetic.   So back on plan for me.   I went to a gas station this morning and got caffeine free (diet coke addiction I am trying to break)  diet coke and those darn donuts a...

My name is Heather.   This post is going to be true and honesty and real and have to (too much information) .... So stop reading of you don't want to hear about it.   My name is Heather and I have an eating disorder.   I am a binge eater,  I am Bipolar,  have generalized anxiety disorder,  obsessive compulsive disorder and chronic daily migraines.  Hubby and I were eating Tortilla chips and salsa this afternoon and before long I had consumed most of a bag by myself.   Hubby casually asked if I had saved him anything but the crumbs.   Wow I really did that....... Yep that's me.   I have been eating donuts like crazy lately (every morning) and over eating.   I have lost about 80 pounds but the rate I am going I am gonna gain it all back.   We are trying to conceive and are staying fertility treatments and the wait for testing is gonna kill me.   I am supposed to start my perio...

So a lot has happened since I last wrote.  My daily chronic migraines are back with a vengeance, I have had one nearly every day for the last month and a half.  I went to the Neurologist and told him of our plans to TTC (Trying to Conceive) and he flipped out on me, told me I was too old and on too many medications to have children.  Needless to say I left in tears.  Yes Rob and I have finally decided to seek fertility help.  I had my first appointment last Friday.  I really like the Dr I saw, she is up at the University of Utah.  She seems really familiar to me.  So we started off with a bunch of testing and I got some results back yesterday.  I have B+ blood :)  I am immune to Rubella and I have less than normal eggs left for a woman of my age.  She said not terribly low and we can work with it.  So I have 4 more tests we have to do.  I am waiting for my period to start (any day now :)  ) to have 2 of them.  On...

Again with the apologies for not updating the blog more often.  Life has gotten crazy.  My anxiety has gotten the best of me and has gotten quite severe lately.  Although I finally found something that has totally helped me.  I have been seeing my Therapist since January and he thinks I should be on meds for the anxiety, my Psychiatrist still isn't convinced.  I read that the anti-depressant I am on (wellbutrin) can cause anxiety so I brought that up at our last appointment.  So we are playing with my meds, we cut my Geodon down to just 80mg to see if that would help the anxiety, it really didn't.  So now we are cutting the Wellbutrin down from 300mg to 150mg.  But I found a few natural supplements that are totally doing the trick.  Last week I inverted numbers and over charged someone on the credit card machine by 50 cents.  To you that may not seem like a huge deal, but for me it's huge and I typically obsess over it all day long, ha...

Sorry I haven't been keeping up on the blog very much lately.  It's just sort of out of site, out of mind....I will try to do better, it's very therapeutic for me to get stuff out of my brain.  Things have been going extremely well lately, my anxiety is down quite a bit.  I am attributing it to me stepping outside of the box and doing things that aren't quite the norm for me as well as the L-Theanine supplement I have been taking.  I am still going to talk to my Psychiatrist about getting on medicine for it as I agree with my therapist but I don't see her for another month or so. I have been exercising every day for the last 3 weeks and I must say if you have depression or bipolar, heck if you don't have either, exercise is CRUCIAL for stress relief and the key to a great mood!  My job isn't stressful per say but some days I come home exhausted mentally and just stressed a little, and the walking I have been doing helps get my mind off of things.  I lis...

So I am doing really well at the moment.  I feel great, my self worth and self esteem is going up, I feel confident and am really happy at the moment.  I have been exercising every day since Friday.  I have been walking 2-3 miles per day.  It is really liberating and I feel great.  It helps my anxiety and helps me feel better about myself.  I am even walking in my leggings and going on busy roads, normally I choose roads that are less traveled so no one will stare at me and judge me....yeah I'm messed up to say the least.  I usually am very self conscious, I HATE my legs and still feel 'fat', even though I have lost 76# and 63".  I met with my psychiatrist last Friday.  Not sure how I like how the visit went.  I told her about my increased anxiety and she doesn't want to put me on anything for the anxiety just gave me some Klonopin for when the anxiety happens.  She wants me to work with my therapist on the Cognitive Behavior Ther...

Not necessarily depressed just mulling over every mistake I have ever made which makes me anxious.  Boy am I ever on the anxiety train today.  I can't stop the thoughts in my head they go round and round like a merry go round.  I've taken my L-Theanine and a Klonopin but the thoughts are still going round and round they go.......flooding my mind with them. It's almost bedtime and that usually quiets them down only enough to start again tomorrow. It's enough to drive me crazy.  As my hubby always says "Short Drive" LOL.  Yes I admit I am crazy, I always say "Certifiably".   So fingers crossed my psych will give me something that I can take daily to thwart off this anxiety. Had a pretty productive day off, not as much as I could have but hey at least I got some stuff done.  I did lots of dishes, washed the towels and bathroom rugs, washed my blanket that my cat so eloquently barfed on, changed cat boxes, brought back the garbage cans from the st...

So I have been doing pretty good lately.   I see both my therapist and my psychiatrist on Friday.   I am going to talk to my psych about anxiety meds.   I have anxiety pretty much every day.   Some days are worse than others, some days I know what I am anxious about others I am anxious just because I am awake lol.   I don't know if she will give me anything or not,  but I hope so.   I have been taking l-theanine which is something my old doctor who was a naturopath told me to use for anxiety and it helps some but I would really rather not have the anxiety period.   I have been on Klonopin in the past and it works some.   We will see what she says.   I haven't been too good about doing my daily tasks this week.   I had a streak where I did then really good for like 3 days then just feel back into old ways and quit doing them. So I really need to do better about that.   I ...

  So I have been on a weight loss journey for a year now and I have lost 75# and 63" off my body.  It has not been easy and I have had my ups and downs.  These are my progress pictures.  I have had a relatively good week.  My anxiety about running credit cards through at work has gone down, it's like what my therapist said finally 'clicked' and I no longer have the compulsion to check them 3 or 4 times before hitting enter lol.  I did have an incident where I was hyper focused on what I was doing on the computer and my husband asked for my help 2 times and I totally did not even hear him.....unfortunately this happens a lot.  I don't know what my deal is and I feel awful about it.  Then last night I got a private message on a forum I am on telling me a link that I posted wasn't relavant to the topic I posted on......yeah that made me cry and have a complete and total breakdown......like sobbing tears.  WTF?  Seriously wish I could have ...

Met with my therapist today.  I am so grateful for my husbands job and his wonderful insurance.  They are covering 10 visits 100% with no copays.  It is such a blessing to us that they are doing this.  It was an interesting experience today.  He asked me if I always did what was expected of me, if I ever went outside the 'norm' and did something spontaneous or anything like that.  I told him no I pretty much stick to how things are supposed to go as I fear what others may think of me.  As I told him that I double and triple check credit cards at work since my big screw up a few weeks back.  He told me that is not facing it that is running away and letting it rule my life and causing me anxiety.  Which is true, it does cause me anxiety.  So we went on a field trip today and he took a mirror outside and dropped it and said he was just going to leave it there and let it be someone elses problem and someone else could clean it up (I'm pret...

I am a semi-functional bipolar, meaning that outside the home I function very well, inside the home is a different story.  Dishes pile up, counters need cleaned, I haven't seen my kitchen table in who knows how long as it's piled up with crap, my floor needs vacuumed and swept, you know it's not 'clean' by any means.  I have been thinking on it a lot lately and have decided that I want that to change.  I want to come home from work to a clean house, one that doesn't cause me anxiety and stress because it's messy.  I am going to start using a method of cleaning that I used years ago that helped, it is called "The Fly Lady Method"  you can read more about it here. http://www.flylady.net/  It is basically a simple method with different zones in the household to keep things neat and tidy.  There are things like crisis cleaning and such to get the ball rolling.  I really am tired of living the way that I do, tired of the mess, tired of the clutter an...

So things seem to be improving.   I was quite depressed this last weekend over something that happened at work.  It was no big deal but my bipolar brain turns little things into mountains.   So my hubby helped me through it.   He even cried with me because I was being it made him hurt too.  He also had me scream my frustrations out. I discussed it with my therapist and we came up with an emergency plan for when I start feeling depressed.   Sort of like an emergency exit plan for a fire still at a children's school type of thing.   I think it's a good idea.   Rob and I silly have to tweak it and make sure it is things that I can do.   I really think it will take my mind off my depression issues if I follow my emergency plan. I am really trying to be better about things and really getting to be happier at home so I am not constantly ripping my hubbies head off.   I want or relationship to improve....

This whole positive thinking and being nice to myself is NOT going to be easy.  Made a couple of stupid mistakes at work today and boy was I ever incredibly hard on myself.  I immediately started telling myself "you are such and idiot, you are so stupid, I can't believe you did that, what a moron you are".  I came home and bawled about it.  Why can't I just realize I am a human being and human beings make mistakes?  It doesn't mean I am stupid, or an idiot or a moron, just that I am human and mistakes happen.  Still processing it in my mind, I have OCD about things and can't let it go, so going over and over in my head and having anxiety about it.  Took an anxiety pill (Clonazepam) to try and settle my nerves.  My therapist wants me to tell myself to shut up when these thoughts occur, but that did not happen today I literally beat myself up for a good portion of the day.  One was a mistake about meds for a boarding dog and the other was a s...

So I have been having some experiences at work while training the new girl that clearly is telling me I am a a control freak and have some OCD issues going on.  I already knew about the OCD but didn't realize how it affects me.  I was given a scanning project at work and have asked the new girl to assist me, well you can only scan from the computer I usually sit at so I switched computers and used the one on the right for 1/2 a day and OMG it literally drove me half crazy.  It wasn't 'my' computer, seriously I went nuts lol.  There have been other things as well.  I have a nightly routine that I have of having to check the stove, oven and back door about 2 or 3 times before I go to bed, I will literally get out of bed after I am strapped in (I use a CPAP mask at night) to go check.  I also check my alarm clock on my phone about 3 times as well before I go to bed.  I get paranoid that I will forget it and sleep in or be late for work.  At work I h...

Sorry I haven't written for a few days, have been in a bit of a funk.  On a positive note hubby said I have been laughing a lot more at TV shows and such more than he has seen me laugh in years, so I must be feeling somewhat better. I met with my counselor today and we spent the majority of the time discussing my relationship with my husband.  We have a pretty good relationship for the most part, but as with anything there is room for improvement.  One thing that the counselor talked about was making sure each of our needs were being met.  He compared it to the daily food pyramid.  So my assignment for the week was to find 5 different things that I need from my husband each day and 5 different things that he needs from me each day, and it can't be like 1 serving of hugs, it has to be significant such as 7-8 servings of physical contact.  It's going to be hard to think of some good needs.  I will always go for more physical contact, I love being tou...

So last night I felt better than I have mood wise in a very very long time.  We watched some Big Bang Theory and I literally laughed my butt off.  My husband said he hasn't heard me laugh that much in like 6 years.  I do not know what was different about yesterday that made me feel so good, but something did.  I will take whatever happiness I can get.  So today at work I got to start training a new receptionist.  It will be nice to have someone else up front with me all the time especially when it gets crazy busy like it does sometimes.  My headache at work today started early but it didn't get above about a 2 on the pain scale.  Yet when I left work it instantly sky rocketed to about a 10 and is still throbbing.  I left a message with my Neurologist to see what the next step is, if I increase to 3 pills or what we need to do.  I really haven't seen any change in my headaches with the increase to 2 of the preventative pills.  I ...

So I lived through meeting the new counselor.  Usually when I meet new people I am very withdrawn and not very talkative.  I was not so today, I feel very comfortable with him and was able to open up about some things right off the bat.  Like I said highly unusual for me.  I really like the counselor I found.  My insurance company gave me the names of 3 of them and I picked the 2nd name, it just felt right.  A couple things that he told me were that I need to exercise every day, exercise for bipolar/depression is like taking a plunger to the brain as it helps the neurons fire better (or something along those lines lol).  I was doing really well with exercising every day up until I started getting daily migraine headaches then I kind of let the migraines be an excuse not to exercise.  So I am going to make more of an effort to exercise every day.  I will have 1 rest day a week which I have chosen to be Fridays since it is my 'longer' work ...

So today I am feeling very overwhelmed.  Was stuck at work a little late waiting for someone to come pick up their puppy, so I got home later and got to come home to a great big huge mess in my kitchen, my cat Munchie knocked over last nights dinner pan which was chicken in a honey sauce so a good 1/2 an inches worth of ooey gooey mess all over my kitchen floor which is carpeted.  Munchie has learned how to jump on my stove and counters and he lives up to his name, he loves to eat and gets into trouble.  So he got on the stove and knocked it off today.  Mind you Munchie has bad hips, bad knees and 1 bad front leg.....time to cut back his pain meds LOL.    Hubby told me that the mess easily avoidable by putting it in the sink, well I'm bipolar so my sink was already full of dishes that were soaking........then I had to come up with something for dinner, have a #10 headache and the pain medication isn't working today.  I broke down in tears in my hubby's...

Today was a good day overall.  We were busy at work which is usual for a Saturday.  I was in a really good mood too.  I used to be a dog groomer and I still have 2 little dogs that I have groomed for years that I groom still every 6 weeks, they were groomed today.  I also groom my own little dog Ruby Sue.  She's a bit naughty as she was only rescued last year and was a bit neglected by her previous home as far as grooming went among other things so she's not the best behaved dog about it.  She is getting somewhat better about it.   I am so glad that my husband is being so good about things right now.  It gives me something to look forward to when I get home from work, I LOVE that I get to come home and feel his embrace and get kisses from him. I have had a bit of a productive day, I made cat food for my 2 little youngest kittens, Mouse and Raven.  I feed them Prey Model Raw Diet and make their food every 2 weeks.  It's a lot of...