Shades of Sunshine

I sure have come a long way in the past year.  I am very grateful to my hubby who is my support.  He keeps me on the right path and gives me something to live for.  I love him with every beat of my heart.  So I had a visit with my psychiatrist.  We are weaning me off Geodon (waaaaaaaaaaa).  And increasing my seroquel.  Not sure how I feel about that as I love what Geodon has done for my appetite.  Not sure I want the Seroquel weight gain, I have done so well (lost 45#) since I started the Geodon.  We will see how I do on just the seroquel, if I start gaining massive weight I will make her take me off of it.  I am proud to say that my kitchen is still clean (over a month), there have been 1 or 2 days where I haven't done the dishes every day but for the most part my counters have been clean, stove has been cleaned off.  Now I just need to transfer some of that cleaning to my fridge.  Hubby and I attacked the pantry this pa...

So today I had an appointment with my therapist.  We went over a letter that we have been working on for a while, I have to re-write it with some adjustments so that will be fun, it was hard enough writing the reply letter.  My therapist also told me that I need to think about where we want to go with my 'maintenance' treatment in the future.  That feels really good that she thinks I am stable enough to go onto a maintenance plan for my talk therapy.  It is hard to believe that it has been a year since my attempt.  I am so incredibly grateful for the whole experience, it was definitely an eye opener as far as my Bipolar went.  I have never really been educated as much as I have been after the attempt.  It feels good to know now what I do know about bipolar.  I have learned so much as far as who I am as a person.  I must thank my husband for his undying support through all of this.  I am on several bipolar groups on facebook and so m...

We had a busy weekend.  My hubby gets a quarterly bonus with work.  We bought an a utomatic jam & jelly maker this time around.  It is really cool, you don't have to stand over the stove stirring everything constantly, it does it for you.    Everything in the picture was canned this weekend. We made 48 1/2 pints of jam (12 different kinds of jams), 9 pints of jam (we ran out of 1/2 pints), 7 pints of bread & butter Pickles, 4 pints of dill bread & butter pickles, 13 pints of crushed tomatoes, 5 pints of salsa, 3 pints chili sauce. We still have peaches we need to do something with.  in that pile is Jams: strawberry rhubarb, blueberry rhubarb, strawberry, strawberry/orange/candied ginger, mixed berry, raspberry, mixed fruit, spiced blueberry, blueberry, and blueberry peach .  Jellies: lemon ginger, pepper, & garlic. It feels really awesome to finally have a stocked pantry again.  We haven't canned anything since 2010,...

This week I am full of anxiety.  I had a job interview at a Veterinary Hospital on Tuesday.  She had me stay for a job shadowing for about an hour.  I always clam up during those and I know it's holding me back in finding a different job.  I try to ask questions and seem enthusiastic but it's hard when I'm anxious about the job.  I wish I didn't have anxiety.  I was told she will let me know by the end of the week.  We shall see if she actually calls me if I don't get the job.  My fingers are crossed and I am praying like crazy that I will get this job.  I SOOOOO need it.  I am so tired of grooming, I am to the point that I am dreading going to work.  Which is not good.  Things are so tight money wise, and this job would start in the $9 an hour range.  Right now I am not even making minimum wage (I am on 50% commission).  As for my bipolar.  I have decided I need to get off the Trazadone, it makes me too drow...

I found a really cool link that explains bipolar disorder.  It is very accurate and would be helpful to anyone trying to explain exactly what bipolar is like and how to understand it. http://natashatracy.com/bipolar-disorder/explain-bipolar-disorder/ So hubby noticed that I am doing better.  I am a nail biter big time.  Part of my anxiety I think.  Well for the last couple of months for whatever reason I haven't been biting my nails.  I break them a lot but no biting.  I have bitten my nails my entire life so this is big for me. I had an appointment with my counselor today.  We talked about the possibility of me going back to school to get a degree as a Veterinary Technician.  I'm not sure how I feel about that, and pretty sure I won't be able to until my bankruptcy is done in about 3-4 years.  It would be nice, in searching for a new job there are several places hiring for a vet tech instead of a receptionist.  But again the fina...

I thought today that I would share a little bit more about how bipolar affects my life. I have mixed rapid cycling bipolar. Basically what that means is that my moods can change in a matter of minutes.  I can be manic (happy, up beat, extreme amounts of energy) and change to depression in a matter of minutes.  I don't have psychotic features as some people who have bipolar do get.  I don't hear voices other than my conscious/intuition telling me whether or not to do something. When I am manic my mind races 100 miles per second, I can't stay focused and have tons of energy.  I make horrible decisions and spend lots of money (if I have it).  Luckily my hubby controls our finances now so I can't go out and spend money like crazy like I was.  I am pulling myself out of a depression at the moment which was caused by us trying to cut back on the amount of pills I take in a day.  Well that didn't work out too well so back to the regular dosage of Seroquel...

This was posted on one of my bipolar groups.  I love it.  There are so many stigma's out there about bipolar people.  To me being bipolar is no different than my hubby's diabetes.  It's a chemical imbalance of the brain which requires medications/chemicals to correct it.  I'm so glad that I have chosen to accept my disease and to get the help I so desperately needed.  I will admit it has been difficult and I've had ups and downs.  Lately there have been lots of downs, but we figured out that it was because we were trying to wean me off of one of the medications I am taking.  So we put it back to the normal dose and today is the first day in a while I haven't felt depressed.  I actually cleaned a spot in our laundry room to put shelves for food storage and what not. On the job front, things are REALLY REALLY slow which makes it tough as it means little paychecks.  I wish I could find a different job.  At this point thinking of wo...

So today I had a Dr's appointment to follow up from my injury from the car accident.  Got the all clear from my Dr.  I haven't been in pain with my back or neck for about a week now so that's good. I have an appointment with my Psychiatrist later this afternoon.  I'm really torn on whether or not to tell her I've been having suicidal ideation lately.  I don't want to get thrown in the looney bin, but I want to be honest so I can get the right dose or different meds for my depression. On another note, my kitchen is still clean, dishes are done nightly and everything gets wiped off daily.  Definitely a miracle.  It's been a week.   It's so nice to be able to find utensils, cooking pans etc without having to hunt them down on the counter or stove, then having to wash them after the food has been stuck on for days.  It's easy to keep clean.  I am grateful to my hubby for helping out with keeping it clean as well.  Totally awesome!...

3rd day in a row are you as shocked as I am?  I guess I have a lot of thoughts running through my head at the moment.  I really really just want to up and quit my job, but we really need the money even if it is just peanuts.  My job makes me so stressed out and anxious.  I pace while I wait for dogs to dry and flick my fingers, which are signs that I am anxious.  I don't take my Klonipin every day just when it is really bad as it makes me slightly loopy and I can't be that way at work.  Work has gotten better since my boss is now there on a daily basis (his wife was dying of cancer so he only came in 1-2 days a week, she has since passed on).  Because he is there I don't have to stay till 4 waiting for people to come pick up their dogs as he does.  He says he doesn't like being home so spends his days at the shop. On one of my facebook groups they were talking about a support system.  I have to say I have an awesome one.  My hubby is...

Sometimes, things have to go wrong before they can go right. Sometimes, we have to let the wrong people walk out before we allow the right people to walk in. Sometimes, we have to feel weak in order to know what it's like to feel strong. Sometimes, you have to be broken to realize you'll never be shattered. Sometimes, you have to "be in like" before you can "be in love". Sometimes, you have to take the good in with the bad to know what's actually worthwhile.  So I have spent a good majority of the past 2 days cleaning my kitchen.  Finally got the stove semi-clean.  I used a razor blade to scrape off the burnt food mess that was here when we moved in.  It looks so much better, makes my entire kitchen seem cleaner.  My hubby gave me the best compliment in the world and said "The Kitchen looks phenominal"  What a nice thing to say, it gave me a huge boost of confidence.  I even put away the leftovers from dinner and did the dinner dishes...

Hello there, I met with my counselor today, we went over my 'letter' (she had me write a letter to someone explaining their effects on me, not going to give the letter to the person though).  Any how then we were talking about how I'm doing.  I told her that I have been depressed about the car accident, even though it wasn't my fault I still felt guilt and shame for it because we had to scrimp and not pay bills so we could get me a cheapie car (we paid $850 for it).  It really made things hard on us this month.  Then I feel depressed about my job, I am not even making minimum wage (on commission), so that's making things difficult to pay bills etc.  My counselor said it wasn't depression just life's events.  I don't agree with that I have had suicide ideations and been mega down in the dumps.  I think that qualifies as depression.  I told her that I thought I needed an increase in my anti-depressant or a different one.  Again she disagreed ...

I am in a depressed state at the moment.  I feel good but at the same time have this cloud of depression hanging over my head.  I am in a funk, I don't clean the house even though it is my 'job' now before you say anything about my husband should help, the hours of my job are basically part time, I'm home a good majority of the time therefore it's my responsibility to keep the dishes done, the house clean etc.  If my husband didn't work full time hours we would share the responsibility of the house. However, lately I just can't do it, I can't keep a clean house.  I wish I could but it's just beyond me at the moment.  Maybe my meds need tweaked a little bit or maybe I'm not on the right meds for my disease.  I spend my days off either watching tv, sleeping in or goofing on the computer, as well as the time I am home, some days I am home from work by 1pm.....my hubby gets home about 7:30 now, so that is plenty of time for me to clean up the hou...

I believe honesty is the best policy.  I feel that I need a different antidepressant, as I am having suicidal ideation (no worries about me acting on it I won't do that to myself again).  I feel pretty stable mood wise, like not angry or anything and feel happy but having thoughts about taking pills (again no worries about me acting on it).  I am going to call my pdoc tomorrow and see if we can't get something else for my antidepressant.  I don't think the wellbutrin is working any more.  I guess that is part of being bipolar is working with my psychiatrist to find the right balance of meds.  I think we have found the right balance of the mood stabilizer but the anti-depressant I think we need a different one. I had my 2nd sleep apnea study last night, again with the wires out the wazoo, they put this gel type stuff in your hair that is nearly impossible to get out.  You have to use extremely hot water to get it out and even then it doesn't all come ...

I thought I would explain why I started this blog.  Back in August 2012 I took some sleeping pills and had to be rushed to the hospital by ambulance.  This was my wake up call to my bipolar disease needing regular treatment.  I felt inspired to share my journey with others in hopes that someone may benefit from my blog.  I wanted to help someone or people get the help they need or maybe inspire them to change the way things are going in their life.  It took a lot of guts for me to start this blog as in general I am a really private person, but I felt that others needed to hear my story, so that is how this blog came about.  I called it waiting for sunshine because in essence that is what I am waiting for in the ongoing treatment for my bipolar disease, the clouds to part and have a little sunshine in my life.  I am to that point where my life doesn't 'suck' as it did before I got back on meds and treatment with counseling and a psychiatrist etc....

Wow, 3 posts in a week :-)  Today is my day off, I have had to force myself to get off the couch/computer and do dishes and put laundry away.  I slept in until about 10am, which felt good.  It was much needed, yesterday physical therapy kicked my butt.  Usually it's been my lower back that's hurting, now it's my upper back and boy does it hurt.  I found out my xray results finally, I have scoliosis of my neck (pretty sure I have it in my back too as I was told I did in Jr High when they had the nurse come and check us out).  I don't think it causes me any pain at the moment other than my residual car accident pain. My car is still running good, not bad for $850.00. My hubby added some fluids to it, like antifreeze/coolant and windshield wiper fluid, which is kind of a funny story, the day I totaled my car he went to walmart and picked up antifreeze and windshield wiper fluid for my car :-)  Gotta love his thoughtfulness.  I am on several bip...

 YAY!  We found me a car!  It's a 1997 Ford Taurus, it is a pale blue color.  It runs great so far and is a very nice ride, definitely has more power than my malibu 4 banger had :-).  Only one issue so far, I stopped at Maverik (gas station) to get a drink this morning and it wouldn't start when I went to leave.  Hubby thought it was a loose connection on the battery, so I wiggled the connections and it started.  I took it to Auto Zone and they said the battery is bad.  Rob thinks they were just trying to sell me a new battery.  Rob cleaned the contacts on it and added water to it, and it's working fine so far (fingers crossed it will keep working).  The car does have a dent in the drivers side rear door, but it's not that big.  Also have come to the conclusion that when I am super anxious about things I throw up.  :(  I was nervous about the car starting today when it was time to go home.  I tend to obsess over...

Wow, has it really been 2 months since my last post?   Sorry for being MIA once again, all I have to say for myself is I'm bipolar lol.  Things have been going fairly well.  I am on different medications that seem to be working pretty good.  I am on Geodon, Wellbutrin, 1/2 dose of Seroquel and Trazadone for my Bipolar.  The seroquel and trazadone are supposed to help me sleep.  A week ago monday I was in an automobile accident, some idiot cut across 2 lanes of traffic OVER double yellow lines, and I was in the turn lane and didn't see him in time and we hit.  My car is a total loss, so that sucks.  I still owe money on it so it's not like I can go buy a new car with the money we would get, because of my bankruptcy the money has to go directly to my trustee.  Joy for me.  But that will reduce the number of payments I have to pay to the trustee by about a year, so 4 years instead of 5.  So hopefully on Thursday we will be ab...

Wow, sorry it's been so long.  I have been under a lot of stress lately and just haven't felt like blogging.  I am currently trying to find a different job.  I have decided I no longer want to be a dog groomer, it causes me way too much stress and anxiety, and it's not fulfilling.  So I have been putting my resume out there for Veterinary Receptionist positions.  So far have just had 1 phone interview.  Not sure why but haven't heard back on any of the other ones I have applied for.  I am torn as I know that if I quit where I'm at they may possibly have to close their doors, but $100 a week just isn't cutting it, things are super slow, it's been almost a year that they have been back up and running, I would have thought things would be busier, but they aren't.  I have to do what is right for me.  I can't continue doing something I am unhappy doing, it's just not a good idea. I met with my counselor yesterday.  She wants me to work on b...

Today has been an awesome day, I feel fantastic and I haven't had the normal 'crawl out of my skin' agitation that I have on a daily basis.  I think it must be in my head as I just started my new meds yesterday.  It is probably too soon to tell if they are helping me or not.  One thing that the counselor I talked to yesterday said that is critical is for me to tell them exactly how the meds are working and if they are causing me any side effects, etc. Which I totally and completely agree with, it was side effects from my medication that got me into the mess I got into in August of last year.  The Neurontin made me feel high which was something that I didn't like.  So I quit taking my medication instead of talking to someone and telling them the side effects.  I did talk to my primary care physician about the side effects once or twice and he recommended that I find a psychiatrist to talk to. Which is something that I never did up until my suicide attempt...

Today was my first visit with my new psychiatrist.  Let's just say that I actually feel like we accomplished something which is NOT something I can say about my old psychiatrist.  We changed my medications to Geodon from Zyprexa, she instantly told me that I was on sub-therapeutic levels which basically means I wasn't taking enough to do any good. Not to mention that Zyprexa causes Diabetes and I am already at high risk for it since I have insulin resistance, pcos and a familial history of it. JOYOUS!  SO glad that I was doing that.....NOT.  It really irks me that my last psychiatrist didn't listen to me.  This new one I met with her assistant for about an hour and he took down my history and basic stuff, then I met with the psychiatrist for about an hour.  She is going to be awesome sauce.  She also was concerned that I haven't dealt with the trauma in my life (physical abuse from sister, loss of grandparents, date rape etc), so we are going to dea...

I tend to focus/worry/have anxiety a lot about tomorrows and all it does is makes me a nervous wreck and super anxious.  I tend to not let things go that happened yesterday too.  Again another source of my ever lasting anxiety.  I really need to remember that I can't change the past and I can't control what happens tomorrow, but I can control what I do and what happens today.  So I definitely need to start living in the todays instead of the yesterdays and tomorrows. I have essentially had the last 2 days off and have gotten what I think is a lot done, I have done 3 loads of dishes and some by hand as well, and have cleaned the living room, washed the stair wall and vaccuumed the kitchen (yes we have carpet in the kitchen) and vaccuumed about half of the stairs.  To some that may not seem like a lot but when I am struggling to get out of bed in the morning it is quite the feat of what I have done so I give myself props for getting as much as I have done d...

Things will work out, no matter how hard things might be, just keep on keeping on and keep on trucking.  I love this quote as if you dwell on the negative it brings you down, I honestly think it takes more energy to focus on the negative than it does to focus on the positive.  I have been trying awfully hard lately to keep positive even amidst my down times and even amidst trials that have come my way. I am a big believer in prayer, that prayers are answered and that prayer can help no matter what situation you are in, I may not say my prayers as regularly as I should but I know I feel so much better when I do. I know that sometimes I may not receive the answer that I want/hoped for, but everything happens for a reason and I know that they are answered according to God's will. Today at work I was super excited as my dog that stays till 445 didn't show up, I know I shouldn't be excited as it's lost income (a whopping $10) but at the same time I finished my other g...

Today I got flowers and a get well balloon from my hubby's coworkers, I think that was super duper nice of them and it made my day.  I thought it was very thoughtful of them.  I really like the company my husband works for, they really take care of the families and the workers.  I think I over did it just a little bit yesterday as my back is really hurting today. Today I met with my counselor, we discussed my 'obsessing' about things and she said I do have an obsessive compulsive tendency, joy yet another label to throw at myself, joy for me.  We discussed issues from my past and the person who caused them.  I am supposed to write said person a letter (which I won't send) but a letter full of how what they did/said etc affected me.  That and we might do a 'chair' exercise where I pretend that person is in a chair and I get to speak my mind and 'yell' at them if you will.  Sounds interesting.  She told me to warn my hubby that we are going into...

What an awesome quote and how true it is for me right now.  I tend to obsess and focus on the yesterdays a lot.  It's something I have always done.  I am really trying not to as it takes away from tomorrow and today.  I tend to not let things go, especially if it is something bad.  I got bit by a dog pretty bad on Saturday, it was a puppy not even 4 months old yet, he is VERY aggressive and has already been in quarantine for biting a child.  In my personal opinion he is going to require a TON of work and I don't even know if work will help him, he is that aggressive.  All I did was try to get him out of a cage, and he nailed me good, no growling no warnings.  Those are the worst kinds of biters. I must be doing somewhat better.  I have been playing my hubby's Nintendo 3DS for the past few days.  A year ago I would get so darn frustrated with the games that I couldn't see straight, now I have been enjoying them immensely, have been pl...

Sorry I haven't written for a bit have been dealing with tons of anxiety.  Saturday I injured a dog I was grooming, it jerked as I was shaving it's face so I nicked it''s eyelid and bruised it's eye, then another dogs face started bleeding while I was grooming it, I had my vet (dad) come look at them and the one dog (who's face started bleeding) had a corneal ulcer so bad it popped the eye, but it wasn't anything I did.  But it still caused significant anxiety for me.  I hate anxiety with a passion. Okay that was written this morning, I cut another dog today, in my defense she was extremely naughty and wiggly. I am seriously thinking of giving up grooming, it causes me so much anxiety and stress I don't know if I can keep doing it.  I don't know what to do as I don't want to hurt/inconvenience my boss, but at the same time, I feel like I am not good enough to keep doing it.  I have so much anxiety that I drink a ton of water, and am actually ...

<----------  Very awesome quote.  If you don't learn from your past you will just keep repeating the same mistakes.  I am grateful that I have been able to learn from my past and that I can progress and grow from it.  I have learned so much in the past 7 months in regards to my Bipolar Disorder.  I have learned there are many different ways to manage the disease it's not just take some pills and expect to be all better, it's not an instant cure.  It is a combination of therapy, pills and compliance with the things my counselor has taught me.  It is not something that can be cured, just controlled. Today my one and only groom didn't show up so I had an early work day.  I came home and cleaned house, did some dishes and cleaned off the counter in the kitchen.  Feels great to get so much accomplished.  Hoping to get the laundry folded, hung up and put away as well.  I like it when I have productive days.  Wahoo got the laun...

Anxiety is gonna be the death of me.  Seriously!  I drink water and/or diet coke when I am anxious, the more anxious I am the more I drink, it's a vicious cycle.  Yesterday I filled my 52oz mug at least 8 times while I was at work :-(  Luckily it was just water, but I was in the potty every 15 minutes.  I don't know what I was so anxious about, it just happens.  Today I was feeling anxious but I walked around the building (inside) instead of drinking.  It is 2:38 right now and I've only refilled my mug about 2x today.  It has taken a lot for me not to keep filling it but I am trying awfully hard to not drink so much, yesterday I literally was water logged I drank so much water, I could feel it sloshing around, and I was nauseated from drinking so much water. So I think I have been doing a little better in the past few days besides the anxiety.  I feel happier, and feel pretty good.  I have to say that I am grateful for my sister. ...

Sorry I haven't posted in the last week, been kind of in a slump.  Have been dealing with depression and the bad thoughts that brings (don't worry I have no intention of acting on the bad thoughts, have just been having them) I am doing well today though, functioning good, I have done dishes, rearranged our living room, and done some laundry including hanging it up and folding it which is really good for me.  I have been trying hard today.  I am almost out of my 3 month medications which is good seeing as how I got them in December.  Which means I haven't missed a dose in 7 months now, GO ME! Work is going okay, I wish we were busier, but what can you do, I can't make the phone ring and can't make people call in for appointments just have to have faith that it will all work out for the best. Tonight my church's relief society (women's group) is having a meeting, I haven't gone to one yet in our new ward as I have social anxiety about going by mysel...

Today I had a visit with my counselor.  We talked about rational mind, wise mind and emotional mind.  She did a mindfulness exercise focusing on my breathing today.  I also talked to her about my being sad, and while I was there it kind of hit me that my job is a source of my sadness and overwhelmedness at the moment. I work alone, well my boss comes in about once or twice a week but always after I have finished for the day, so doesn't really help out.  I don't have a guaranteed payday as it depends on when he makes it out there, and I am expected (since I live closer to him) to go and feed the shop dogs 7 days a week.  I have now arranged for my paychecks to be transferred to our account as they bank at the same bank, so if he can't make it out on Wednesdays (which are supposed to be paydays) he can just transfer the money instead of making me wait a day or two for my paycheck.   I am not even making minimum wage for the hours I put in, and I know it's ...

In case you didn't know I am a cheetah fanatic, one of my absolute dreams is to go to a place in Africa where you can lounge around with and pet Cheetahs.  Anyhow, my email addy is cprcheetah@comcast.net, and someone in my ward (congregation) asked me yesterday if I liked cheetahs and I said yes, he said that he had a picture he took in Tanzania when he was there last year that he would like to give to me.  He came by today to give it to me.  It is matted and will fit in a 12x16 frame.  What a nice gesture, it made my day.  How considerate of him. Today I feel a little bit happier I really am trying to be anyhow.  I had to go back to Hobby Lobby today to get a refund as the checker charged us $29.99 for something that only cost $2.99, it took 3 people 3 x of going through everything in my bag for them to figure out yep the cashier screwed up.  Why they don't have the electronic scanners I have no idea, but they manually input everything.  She ...

So I had an eye opening experience today.  My bishop (clergy) called both my husband and I into his office today, I thought for sure that it was to give us a calling (job in the church).  Boy was I wrong.  The bishop noticed that I was sad recently and wanted to know what he could do to help me.  My husband after he met with the bishop (we met individually) asked me if I had been taking my pills as for the last month I have been down, depressed and negative.  I have not missed one dose of medications that I can promise.  I am about out of my 3 month supply and will need more soon.  I guess that since my hubby and my bishop have noticed that I must seem sad.  I am a very shy withdrawn person and keep to myself in public places, I have met a few people in the congregation but I am not one to go up and talk to people.  In fact this week the Relief Society (women's group) had an activity and I didn't go because I didn't want to go by myself. ...

So today made day 4 that I have exercised in a row!  Woot Woot!  I feel so much better, yes my joints cry as I exercise but it seems to be getting easier/better.  My goal is to walk 2 miles (Walk At Home DVD's) every day.  I have lost 5.6# in the last month and know that most of it has come off this week, that is even with me eating out and eating popcorn last night.  My dear sister Jen and I went and saw Identity Thief last night, and then went to Applebee's for dinner, it was yummy and the show was hilarious with an awesome ending. Today is valentines day, my hubby and I don't normally celebrate it overly much other than just saying Happy Valentines Day to each other.  We are going to go out to eat at 5 Guys Burgers N Fries as soon as my hubby gets home from work.  My dad is having hernia surgery tomorrow.  I am having some anxiety about it as he is almost 70 years old.  I love my dad to pieces and am praying and wishing for the best po...

I was at walmart this morning when the gravity of what I did nearly 7 months ago hit me like a train wreck.  I started crying and just felt depressed about it.  Why was I so stupid?  What was I thinking?  It really hit me hard.  I can't believe I did that.  But at the same time, wow, what an eye opener it has proven to be.  It helped me seek the help that I was avoiding.  It was a mistake that will shape my life forever.  I am grateful that I was able to use it as a learning experience and that I was able to get the help that I so desperately needed.  I hated feeling the way I did about myself and just in general.  I was miserable and very unhappy. I snapped at my husband more often than not and put him through a living hell.  I am so sorry for that, it was not my intention to hurt him in any way, shape or form.  IT is hard to not let my past define me, but I am trying on a daily basis to learn from it and to press forwa...

So today I decided to exercise.  I did a Walk At Home DVD and walked 2 miles.  It instantly put me in a better mood.  It is one of the challenges my counselor gave to me the time before my last visit, however I got sick with a cold so I didn't do it, it was hard as I am grossly out of shape, but I pressed forward and did it. I just realized it has been 6 months (ok actually closer to 7 months now) since my attempt, 6 months that I have been taking my pills EVERY day without fail and 6 months that I have been on the road to recovery, 6 months that I have had regular visits with my counselor and psychiatrist.  What have I learned in the past 6 months?  To live and let go, how to better manage my anxiety and how to use coping skills to get through things.  I am so grateful for my husband who has stood by my side through my mood swings, and through my anxiety/panic attacks and for him being there for me, it means more to me that I can ever say.  He is ...

I feel like I have fought hard to become a better me.  I am proud of who I am becoming.  And overall I think I am winning over my bipolar disorder at the moment.  I don't think I would be "Winning" if I wasn't following the things that I need to do, such as taking my medicine, visiting counselor and psychiatrist, and implementing the things that I have been taught.  I am grateful for all the tools that I have learned and glad that I have learned them.  I know that my anxiety is lessening as time goes on, but it also depends on my stress levels as well.  I have found a direct correlation to my anxiety and drinking soda though, if I drink a lot of soda in a day my anxiety skyrockets.  If I don't drink a lot of soda my anxiety is manageable.  Just have to limit my soda which is not an easy task for me, I am an addict plain and simple. We were/are supposed to be having some massive snow storm, so far it's left maybe 1", I am knocking on wood as I'...

Why would anyone want to forget important lessons we learn in life?  I really like this quote as I have learned so many lessons over the course of my life and am grateful that I have been able to learn them.  Yes some of them have been difficult, and more challenging than others, but the fact that I have been able to learn from them is immensely important. If I didn't learn from them I would keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again which isn't good.  It's important to learn from our past, and I love the "Forgive and Reflect" such a powerful statement. By forgiving ourselves of our past we are able to move on instead of holding on and letting our past keep us down.  I know for me my past is powerful and I have learnt a lot especially over the past 6 months since my incident.  I have learned that I am in control of my moods (when I take my medications) and that I may be bipolar but it's no different than my hubby's diabetes it's a disease ...